Simultaneous Progress and Regression

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Background: I'm 26 and I've been single for 6 years. Some of those years were by choice, some because I didn't live up to others' standards, and some because I couldn't find anyone who met my own standards. I've never had a "normal" (non-emotionally-abusive) romantic relationship. I found out I have AS about 3 years ago and have been working continuously since then to improve my social skills, blend in, and live a normal independent life.

I'm off work this week because of the holidays, so last night I decided to go out. A friend of mine is a DJ and was playing at a small club with mostly stoners and hippies for clientele - nice people, very accepting and happy and calm, so I knew I'd be in a "safe" place. I've been out plenty of times before in clubs like this one with no real problems with overstimulation or freakouts.

I noticed a very attractive man who appeared to be there alone, so after hesitating and overthinking for about an hour, I finally approached him and started a conversation. This is the first time I've ever started a conversation with a stranger in this type of situation and I was very nervous, but I quickly realized that I had nothing to fear. The man was from Germany (I'm in Prague) just in the city for 2 days on holiday. We hit it off immediately and spent the rest of the night talking and kissing. Several of my friends and even a few strangers told us we made a really nice couple, although we had just met, and neither of us could argue. I had no trouble feeling awkward or dealing with body language, which is something very rare for me.

It was really lovely for a few hours, but then it started to become too much. I haven't had much close physical contact with anyone in these 6 years, and I'm not used to it. He wanted to kiss almost nonstop, and he was kissing almost entirely with his tongue - not much use of the lips - which was really extra overstimulating. Finally he said he had to leave, sleep for 3 hours before driving back to Germany, and I found myself incredibly relieved that he was going, even though I was sad I probably wouldn't see him again (though we did exchange contact info).

I felt like I should be happy with my successful night, but instead I felt drained and overwhelmed. I had had only a few drinks over the course of the night and it was now 7 am, so I was completely sober but everyone around me was intoxicated in various ways and their behavior was really freaking me out. My closest friend (my safe person who always knows how to take care of me when I'm in a bad state) invited me to go to his place to rest for a while before going home alone, and I accepted. We walked for a ways along with some of his other friends, who were laughing hysterically. The sound of each laugh hit me like a physical blow to the ears and I started really getting stressed. I kept thinking that I could hold it in and stay in control until the friends left and I was alone with my safe friend, but suddenly it all hit me and I lost control, in the middle of the street. I clapped my hands over my ears and started crying and hyperventilating. Fortunately, my safe friend knew just what to do, held me for a few minutes, calmed me down, persuaded his friends to be a bit quieter, and stood with me while I watched some pigeons for a few minutes to relax and get back in control.

The rest of the day I was totally fine. No problems. I spent some time with my friend and we talked and laughed and had a great time. But I'm still really shaken by what happened this morning. I've never had a breakdown in public like that before - only when I was alone and no one was watching. I feel like I've come so far; my social skills are getting really good, I have tons of friends I feel comfortable with, I can be in social situations with no real problems, and I live totally independently. How is it possible that I could break down in the middle of the street - and as a result of a GOOD thing like spending an evening with a guy I really liked and connected with?

Has anyone else had a similar experience? Any advice or thoughts would be welcome. Thanks.

I get like this all the time. You were overstimulated. My remedy is to cut the night short, but I can understand why you didn't want to do that (it sounded like a lovely night, other than the overstimulation). Alcohol can help, but it can also make things much worse for me, and it's hard to know which way it's going to go so you're basically playing roulette if you go that route.

I'm 44, so the social pressure to go out is less for me. Still, it's already impossible for me to date, so I at least try to make the effort to go out to meet people, but I still get overstimulated very easily.

Yeah you definitely spent all your sensi bucks at the club and didn't save any for the trip home. The secret is to budget, or know when you're broke and it's time to call it a night.

I tell my friends I have a filter I can put up to sort out all the chaos and let me act like a normal person, but after a while the filter gets all clogged up and I have to spend a few hours alone cleaning it out before it will work again. The filter was totally used up for sure.

The thing is, I knew I'd be better off with this particular friend than alone, and he said he wanted to go home and take me with him, so I figured I could wait just a little longer and it would be worth it. But because he was intoxicated and having a great time, even though it was freezing cold outside, he stood chatting and laughing with his friends for about half an hour before finally leaving, and then at the last second two of his most inebriated and noisy friends decided to walk with us, so it postponed my peace by even longer...

On the other hand, even with the minor breakdown, I think it was probably worth it. He made me feel better so quickly, and I had a good day after that. If I had just gone home, I think I would have spent the whole day feeling rotten and being down on myself for needing so much special treatment. It was like he repaired my filter and brought it back to 100% in less than a minute.

You know, it's times like this I wonder how people like my mother could possibly deny that I have AS. If she had been there, she would have said I was making a scene for attention. You work your ass off to appear normal almost all the time, and instead of being impressed, people assume that you're fine and if you behave inappropriately you're doing it on purpose.

Yup-- that's about how it is. You work your butt off to do what others take for granted-- and they take it for granted. You fail-- and you are bound to fail sometimes-- and you're horrible, because they can afford to take it for granted.

That's why a lot of us simply don't bother. Why you hear so many people say relationships are just too much trouble.

Because NO ONE can be on-stage 24/7 without dropping a ball-- or all the balls-- due to exhaustion.

THEY can afford to be off-stage some time other than when totally alone-- THEIR off-stage behavior is inherently acceptable, THEY get pleasure and relaxation from things that have been OK'ed with the Majority Stamp of Approval.

WE don't have that luxury. That's something THEY will never understand. I've tried to explain it to my spouse, in-laws, family-- people who really care. They don't get it. They CAN'T get it.

I hated the very thought of this when I was younger. Older and wiser-- my advice is, learn to be OK with the isolation. You don't need intimate relationships. You certainly don't need a spouse/sexual partner. You need a loose circle of casual acquaintances-- people who can, say, drop you off at the airport or water your cat while you're on vacation or set you up with connections for a job interview.

The LAST thing you need is people who share your mind, your body, and your life 24/7.

I would agree with you when it comes to the majority, but I have to admit that this one friend of mine, although 100% NT, is also completely understanding and accepting of me as I am. I never pretend with him at all, and it never bothers him. True, it's not a romantic relationship and he has expressly said that while he thinks I"m amazing and loves me absolutely, AND he finds me incredibly beautiful, he doesn't feel any physical connection with me. I don't know if it's just about chemistry or if it's because he finds the way I behave unappealing.

But if you can find one good relationship with someone who likes you even when you're not on stage pretending, it's totally worth all the crap you have to wade through to find them. I need my alone time, but I also get very depressed if I don't have someone to be close to, so simply not bothering with relationships is not an option for me.

That's the best way to explain it Aharon, Thank you.

I know with me, I need "resty times" every hour or so when I'm out, just to breath and stare at a dark spot for a break. I am a bit of a herbalist by hobbie and in my hand bag, I have a little pouch with a smokey quartz crystal, lavender, rosemary, mugwort and damiana which i breathe into. I normally go to the ladies room and stand next to myself in the mirror, or go find a quiet spot outside. I MUST not stay up all night or I will probably feint or something horrid. My body cant handle the stimulation for that long at all. I always seem to dissapear early on in the night (if out in the city or like), relieved to be in my safe little home. My friends don't understand.
I'm 27 and never could handle clubs or the sloppy drunk folks, lucky for me I had artistic friends who just like to stay up and paint/draw and get cosy with deep chats on earth systems and the universe n such.

I think if you do social things, in little doses, it can be nice. And I always have a big healthy meal before I go to keep my strength up and choose red wine to relax and sedate myself a bit OH and I wear very soft hemp or cotton clothes that I layer a bit so I'm always warm and comfortable......as for meeting men. sounds terrifying...I cannot do small talk very well at all haha Some look offended and walk away, I'm afraid of what my face is saying haha...oh dear..

Seriously though. In this world of pain and tolerance us kind live in, we have to treat it like a survival plan. My advice, be as healthy as you can! food is medicine and rest is a must. Try a bland organic diet with lots of root vegetables, greens, avocado, whole grains and fish. They nourish your nervous system and ground you. Do as much relaxation work as you can, like yoga, silence, nature walks and alone time. Google skullcap tea, its a tonic for the nervous system. It has saved my life twice. I drink it often. These things really help me in day to day living .

Actually, I have to say that I rarely have these sorts of problems anymore. I think through a combination of practice, encouragement and help from some wonderful close friends, and keeping to "safe" places where I know I always have help if I need it, I've managed to build up quite a tolerance for clubs and "nights out." I only go out when I know the DJs playing, and since most of my friends are DJs (they are such open-minded, understanding, excellent people) that gives me plenty of options. They all know about me and how I can become overstimulated, and they all take care of me when necessary. I used to stay out all night on a regular basis without difficulty, though lately I don't do it as often simply because I'm too tired from working all week.

I almost never talk to people I don't know, though, and certainly not without being introduced first, so that was a first this time. I was attracted to this guy and somehow pushed myself to just talk to him, and it paid off. He has gone back to Germany but he emailed me saying he wants to meet me again soon. I'm so proud/impressed with myself for managing this. On the other hand, I'm really concerned that this one night completely used up my tolerance and I was such a mess afterwards. So much so that I broke down right in the street, which has never happened. Obviously this guy does not know about my AS. I can't tell someone I've just met, I have to wait until they know me a bit, otherwise it will freak them out and they won't understand. When most people hear the word "autism" they either think of kids banging their heads against the wall, or mental retardation. Normally I'm only interested in people I already know, partly because I know that they already accept me how I am and I don't have to worry about their reaction. With this guy, I had to pretend I was ok even when I wasn't, because there was no time to explain and I didn't know how he'd react. So when he finally left, I just collapsed and couldn't handle anything. I think maybe I'm better off sticking with people I already know.

Untill someone comes into YOUR comfort zone. Why should you have to leave yours? Stay where its safe I say. I awesome you can go out and have fun with your friends , Thats a huge plus!. And If the German guy wants to meet again, you'll have time to prepare

Me on the other hand?.....I have to go job hunting , gahh...

I liken your situation to a workout routine. It's easy to go to a fitness place for the first time and feel that the weights seem lighter than expected, so you add more weight and do more reps. It's the next day when your muscles hurt like hell when you realize you overdid it.

Enjoy the club, relax and have a good time. Get to know your satiety limits before really pushing against them. Pushing is good, because that's how you can grow, but not if you push too hard, too quickly.

It's also really great that you have a friend like that who can be there for you.

Well I've been doing the club thing for years now, so I know exactly how well I can tolerate going out all night. The new thing is all this attention from men I'm suddenly getting. I mean, I've been lonely for a long time, but I didn't want strangers walking up to me and trying to make moves on me. I don't know any of the proper ways to tell them to go away. And when I do actually like someone, as in this situation, I don't know how to handle it.

The guy really wants to visit me again. He wanted to come this weekend but I told him it's better to wait one more week. This week was extremely stressful and I'm not prepared to deal with that much social interaction. We've been talking a lot via email though, so I think I'll be more comfortable next time I see him.

I'm having another sudden confusing problem though. Two weeks ago I had an amazing day with my best friend. He has a girlfriend but there's been something between us from the start, we just try to ignore it because he wants to keep his current relationship going. Sometimes this hurts, but his girlfriend is really nice and I'm glad he and I can be such close friends. On this occasion we nearly kissed (I stopped him because I didn't want to let him hurt his girlfriend). The next day he sent me a message saying "we need to talk about us." I wrote back yes, we do, when do you have some time to talk?

Then he basically disappeared for a week. He wouldn't respond to my messages and I was worried something might have happened to him. I kept sending him messages hoping he'd respond and at least tell me he was okay, but I got nothing for several days.

When I finally saw him I was really upset, and he didn't understand why. We eventually had a huge fight about it and there's still tension between us just as a result of this. I told him that when you tell someone "we need to talk," you'd better be prepared to talk, and you can't just disappear and leave the other person to stew and worry and wonder. He told me that I was being "childish" for thinking that "we need to talk" means it needs to happen soon. He said he only meant we needed to talk *sometime* in the future, like leaving a memo saying "when you have a chance, let's discuss this issue." And he's angry at me for making him feel guilty for disappearing.

Please help me figure this out. Am I wrong? I'm open to that possibility. But every time I've ever heard the phrase "we need to talk," it always means as soon as possible. Why drop that on someone and then not follow up, leaving them to worry?

In most cases, "we need to talk," means with a quickness, but not everyone uses it that way. It's easy to assume the most likely meaning, especially when it corresponds to your own feelings on the matter. I used to get quite upset when my interpretations of a situation didn't match the reality (read: other person's meaning) of it. It caused a lot of blow-up arguments with a now-ex-boyfriend of mine. I had to learn how to hold my emotions in check until I could verify that what the person meant was how I interpreted it. Responding based on your reasonable assumptions is natural, but if you are wrong in your assumptions, or if you over-react, reasonable or not, your reaction can cause unwanted friction.

Miscommunication happens, but it's his response of saying you're acting childish that throws up red flags. Either you have in fact over-reacted to some extent and he's trying to bring attention to it without getting too upset himself, or he's covering up the fact that he screwed up by misdirecting the focus of the blame. It's possible that it's a little bit of both columns A and B.

This is where you have to play social detective. Look at your relationship with him, how often "miscommunications" like these occur, how many messages did you send him during the week, does he normally ignore messages, etc.

If it's a one-off, then most likely you have misread the situation and he's trying to be a patient and nice friend despite you making a mountain out of a molehill. Apologize without saying "but" and trying to explain yourself. (This was a lesson that had to be drilled into my head about giving apologies.) Assume that you probably are in the wrong, make quick amends, and happily move on.

If you really believe he's covering up his own blunder, then you can either stand your ground or take pity and let it slide. Everyone makes mistakes, but you also don't want people walking over you either. Pick your battles carefully.

This last possibility is a last-resort scenario, so take it with a HUGE grain of salt.
If miscommunications like these happen often, then take a step back and really look at it with a fine-toothed comb. There are people in this world that use this as a manipulation tactic called gaslighting. The other person may not even realize they are doing it, but it's not a good position for you to be in. I am NOT suggesting your friend is doing this, especially if he really is a good friend. I'm just putting it out there as something that the red flags are possibly highlighting.

Also - This sounds promising. Just be sure you don't do like I do and getting too attached. I'm a sucker for doing that.

I asked another friend of mine (one who is VERY successful socially) about the situation and he said I've acted perfectly reasonably.

1. "We need to talk" does almost always indicate some level of urgency, otherwise the person wouldn't say it until they were ready to talk on account of the negative feelings such a statement usually brings up.
2. It's true that I sent him more messages than I should have - apparently if someone doesn't respond, they're either unwilling or unable to, so you should just let it go and hope they contact you soon. I can see the logic in this. However, since in several of my messages I said very clearly, "If you just want to be left alone, tell me and I will do so, I just want to check that you're alive and okay," he should have responded to at least one of them to reassure me. I was clear that I would give him space if he needed it, he just never asked for it. I was not unreasonable to expect a direct answer to such a direct question rather than him expecting me to be psychic and "just know" what he needed.
3. He is behaving childishly for refusing to accept that our problem stems from a miscommunication rather than from ME personally doing something wrong.

The friend suggested that if something like this happens again, aside from not sending more than 3-4 messages without getting a response, I should send a simple message saying "are you dead?" Apparently this is his tool - it seems most people feel a moral obligation to at least answer that message with a "no" so at the very least I would know he was okay.

This is the first time such a problem has occurred. Before this we never had an argument. It's my belief that he realized that night that he has stronger feelings for me than he thought, and he feels guilty about it and afraid of what will happen, so he is reacting emotionally to that rather than to what we're actually fighting about. The friend I talked to tonight agreed that this is probably the case. He also smugly added that "the honeymoon is over" and warned me to be prepared for our relationship to be very different from now on.

So I guess I just have to give us time and see what happens. It seems we're okay now. I managed to end the argument with a simple statement of "I would never hurt you on purpose, I don't think you would ever hurt me on purpose, there's no reason for us to be angry at each other, so since we obviously won't come to an agreement on this, let's leave it behind and accept that we just won't always agree 100% on everything." He agreed and we haven't argued about it since. I hope we can keep in a positive space from now on. He's a very important friend for me.

Oh good. You did describe him as a really close and cherished friend, so a positive outcome is great to hear. I honestly didn't consider that he might be just as flustered by the whole thing. I keep forgetting that not everyone in the world is mean. (I've had too many mean people in my life this past year - I think it's tainted my outlook a bit.)