Giving something back?

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I had a falling out with someone over TWO years ago over something minor that I accidently did which caused the other person to make a mountain out of a mole hill because they did not approve. They then decided that they did not want to have anything to do with me pretty much by pushing me to the side. They had also told kept telling that they appreciated my apology which I had said 100 times but they were done. Not long after, I bought my own place and was getting ready to move out of a family member's house. The other person heard through the grape vine by talking to the family member who said that I was moving. Long story short, this person planned on giving me a set of hand-me down dishes that belonged to one of their family members before them. When it came to giving me the dishes,however, they or one of their associates bothered to dump them off on my family member's front porch and take off again. This was rather than contact my family member or myself by e-mail or phone. Instead, they had only left the dishes in a box with no card or not of acknowledgement in wishing me good luck. This was back in 2009.

In present time, I had sent a them a message on facebook last month asking for their e-mail address since I wanted to send a holiday letter to them since it had been two years and felt that the ball would be in their court. Rather than give me the e-mail address, they wrote back with a short message and said that it was good to hear from me and that they hoped things were working out for me independently. So, I decided to attach the letter to them in private message on FB instead. She did not bother to acknowledge that I had sent it and never bothered to contact me further. Even with things being two years ago, I really feel that the other person is continuing to hold a grudge against the accident that never meant to happen.

In getting back to the dishes, I really feel that if she is going to continue to hold this sour attitude that there is really no point in keeping the dishes. I am even tempted in taking a card board box, packing them up, and then taking a cab or riding over with a friend and then dropping them off and taking off again myself without as much contacting. I have also thought about leaving them with one of their friend's children who happens to live in an area not far from where I live. However, is that a good idea? If not what are some other options that I could look at?

Just leaving the dishes on the porch seems like a cold gesture. I wouldn't want to keep a gift that was given without warmth or friendship. It would be a sore reminder of a person who has severed all contact. It wouldn't be beyond me to take the dishes and return them in the same way they were given - as you described - and it sends a message. At the very least, I'd donate them to someone else just to get them out of my home. Then I'd move on.

Well first of all, I would let this whole thing go. Sometimes in situations like this, the problem is a whole lot bigger than what you perceive it to be; meaning that you think this person is shunning you over something you have done, however accidental it was. You may never know what the bigger issue is, but the point is should you care?


If you deliver the dishes that way, you will open another grudge situation. I would donate the dishes to a thrift or second hand shop, and let someone get some good out of them. You could send them another letter, saying you have done so and why, without being mean about it.

Someone else suggested two options to me earlier this afternoon instead of giving them back. They suggested to take pictures of the dishes and post them to Craig's List or given as a present to someone else who I might need or want them.

She said that if I happen to sell them to use the money to go and purchase new dishes elsewhere that I am going to feel comfortable. Although these are nice dishes, I don't feel that I should be using them as they really had hurt me.

So now you have some ideas. I wouldn't want to use the dishes of someone who had hurt me. Each time would just be a painful reminder, IMO.

I was greatly disappointed when I was rejected the way I was, because I thought they were a better person than that with common sense. When I first heard about the dishes, I thought that I was getting a nice set of dishes that were in a box that they had been un opened and were going to be given to me a house warming gift and everything was fine. It was also strange because I had spoken to them on the phone a week and a half earlier and they acted like everything was fine and they were happy to hear from me. Why I had even planned on extending an invitation for them to come to my house warming party which was planned for the spring of 2010. When I saw their actions otherwise in later 2009 though, it made me decide not to. I mean, they were lucky that I took the dishes and even wrote a nice thank you note. They did respond acknowledge my thank you note by writing back and mentioning that they were proud of me but I did not respond back. This was when I first moved in.

However, I am not going to sit and wonder why they chose to reject me while I am not going to make false assumptions and accusations but I know that I was hurt and rejected. While I am still hurt and talking this scenario over with my counselor, I know that I also can't let how someone handled one situation ruin my life. At the same time, I don't need something to remember her by if she is going to be bitter like that.

I should also mention that I saw this person in the late of 2010 and happened to be parked on a local street at a red light with their windows down while I was standing at a bus stop. Although I said hello and they said hello back, the situation was rather awkward. They didn't seem all that glad to see me even though they tried to front it like they were by putting on a phoney smile and attitude. It was very brief but it was enough to make me realize that we were not a good pair because of our different personalities.

I hope I didn't just answer my own questions about this situation.

I think you just did. I have a problem letting go of hurtful situations when they happen, and I tend to over analyze them until people around me are sick and tired of hearing about it. But that is how I process things, and maybe you are the same?

I have the tendency to have a hard time letting things go. In fact, I am still bitter and hurt about something that happened two years ago. Anyway, I had talked with someone else who said that they didn't think it would be a good idea to give the dishes to someone else. They really felt that it would cause an even bigger rift between us which would cause an even more fighting. They suggested to hang onto them for a while and to enjoy the dishes since a new set like that can be quite expensive. They also suggested giving them away to someone who may enjoy them.l

Personally, if a person has hurt my feelings and I don't want them in my life anymore, I get rid of any reminders of them because then I can heal faster from it.

You must choose to do the thing that makes you feel the best, when all is said and done.

I looked at the dishes earlier this evening and I felt that an awkward situation was present. In fact, I was talking to a close friend about the dishes and she suggested that I either give them to goodwill or to someone else who might want them. She also suggested checking out a discount store like T.J Maxx or Target since they have nice things that are not to pricey.

She also related to me by mentioning that she chose to give something away that someone had given her who she didn't click with and had icky feelings as well. I was very happy when she mentioned that because it made me feel better.

You could always return them, but instead of doing so the same way they were given, you could attach a note or even do it in person, simply stating that you don't feel comfortable accepting them. You don't have to show animosity, and it opens the door for a potential discussion should they feel like trying to mend any hurt feelings or clear the air of any past history. Even if you don't stay friends, it might decrease any worries you have about how they might feel regarding the gifting of the dishes in general.

I would give them to their kids that live nearby (did I read that right?). Put them back in the box, and go knock on the door, and say "so and so gave me these when I moved in to my place, but I don't need them anymore. Thank you." and then I would walk away.
I would be worried that they might one day ask for them back, and be upset that I sold them.

Another tempting thought would be to keep the pieces you need, and drop the rest out the window and take pleasure in them breaking. Then when you use the pieces you keep, you can remember breaking the rest rather than the friendship that went sour.