"Why Aren't You Married?"

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How do you answer this question, posed not by close friends and family, but by people you've just met? I was talking to some men I had just met at a bar (they were trying to pick me up but they were way too young for me) and then this came out. I just froze and then mumbled something about being divorced (which I am).

I know they were most likely trying to be complimentary, but even 5 years after my divorce (and I married late, too), this question still unnerves me. I think because it assumes things about me and my social status based on only my appearance. Yes, that's how people work but it makes me uncomfortable.

I'd love to give a polite response to this, one that doesn't reflect badly on me ("Oh, you know, never enough time," or "Just never met that right fellow").

ETA: I put this thread in this section because I'm primarily interested in how to handle this when one is "way past normal marriageable age" (I'm 44). Love and Dating seems to be predominantly the under-30 crowd and so wouldn't always have to deal with this, I think.

I guess you'd have to ask yourself " What kind of impression you would like to put forth"

I'm not interested, I don't care, You wouldn't be able to handle me, I'm frikkin crazy you get the idea

just a few that come to mind

"I just got out of jail"
"Your not the droid I'm looking for, move along"
"My girlfriend and I haven't decided"
"Buy me a drink and I might tell you"

Theres more but what do you want to say or imply?

You could just re-ask the same question of them "Why aren't YOU ??"

I guess I'd like to convey that it's an uncomfortable topic for me, but not to imply that I'm uptight and stuff. I like your jokey responses, though (but gay marriage is legal in my state so I can't use that one).

I guess I just have to get over the fact that the default supposition will always be that there's something wrong with someone my age not being married (which is what that question implies, to me).

I get the same type of questions and responses to the fact that I'm not married also. I guess the main thing is what your response to the question "says" about your current attitude is more important than what actually went wrong imo

You could have a ,....men are all dumb jerks. I'm just high maintaince or I don't care .........attitude.< to name a few

I guess the main thing is how the question makes you feel about yourself and current situation.

I just read on Yahoo that married people are down to just 51%, unfortunatly its part of a back story that you need to be rich to increase your chances
http://shine.yahoo.com/financially-fit/ ... 00744.html

MV, I'm a public librarian in a small, very conservative Texas town. Here most people are married with families long before they turn twenty-five. The way I've dealt with this situation is to explain to those who know me--the people who count--that I have AS, and I need a lot of time along; I couldn't live with anybody full-time. What may make it easier for me is that I've been in a stable relationship for years.

There are actually a lot of men in this area who have never been married, and who do not appear to be homosexual. We're considered odd, but then I am odd--at least compared to the norms. I think people are more inclined to tolerate me because they are very impressed with the way I'm able to do my job.

As far as people I don't know and only have cursory dealings with, the subject of relationships doesn't usually come up.

The person it bothers most is my girlfriend. When it does come up, I ask her why she'd want to take a chance on ruining something that works so well.

Oh, I have no interest in being married or getting married, really, but I also don't know how to say that without sounding defensive (people just assume, if you're a woman, that you want to be married and have somehow been selected against).

Just another square peg in a round hole situation, I think. Probably I'll just keep mumbling about being divorced. Maybe I'll have the fortitude to say something snappy, someday. "I've been waiting for *you* all my life, lover!" I just get hit with that absolute Aspie literalness at the worst times. I wish I could do coy or flirtatious, naturally.

ETA: Dunnyveg, thanks for your response, too! I think the societal expectations (from what I can perceive, anyway) are different for women. Even these days, which is so funny to me!

My dad and his GF(before he passed away) would celebrate their aniv every year, Every time the thought of getting married came up they would both decide to get a bigger TV or a new mower or take a better vacation

They were together 25yrs he and my mom were married 12, myself 10

To me being in a good relationship (and not alone) is much more important than a ring and a piece of paper any day

This question(why dont you have a partner considering my age) usually comes along with the why dont I just shave my beard and several other intrusive questions.

I try to make the most non-sensical answer possible and make it clear they arent going to get another one.

Right now Im "saving up to join an amish commune and Im letting my facial hair grow because facial hair is seen as a good thing on amish culture" if Im able to come up with something better on the spot I just say it

"we were young, we were very much in love but we could only communicate through a time-travelling mailbox at my lake house would probably work for you"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a7HMYEReTaM

Oh, I agree, I just have trouble finding people I'm attracted to, enough to take it to that next step.

I guess I was looking for something, some response, more charmingly deflect-y than, "I just don't believe in marriage, for myself."

Just say "Oh, I was married but now I just wanna have fun."

I'm caught off guard when people ask this. Once I made sarcastic remarks about how I have to get rich first. Actually, that may not be far from the truth, whether I like it or not.

http://shine.yahoo.com/financially-fit/marriage-chances-rise-salary-195200744.html

I've thought back on times when maybe someone was paying attention to me but I didn't pick up on it at the time. I probably didn't seem all that nice and I don't know whether I've hurt anyone else's feelings, and that's something I'm afraid of. I'm not even exactly sure what "nice" might be other than somebody else's arbitrary judgement. I have some friends on Facebook that I never even knew they liked me.

I just don't see how I could afford to start a family. It's pretty much that simple.

I need some kind of employment stability before I'd even consider getting married.

Could be something like that might be an easy reply in these crazy economic times.

20 Answers to the question, "Why aren't you married?"

1. "Because I'm still single." (Duh!)

2. "The conditions of my inheritance stipulate that I remain single until my __th birthday." (... always the next one, btw... )

3. "The little bracelet on my ankle makes loud noises if I am out of the house after dark."

4. "Farm animals don't get jealous."

5. "All of my cousins are already married."

6. "Marriage is the common cause in all divorces."

7. "The prophesies have yet to be fulfilled in my lifetime."

8. "You haven't asked me yet." (Works best if the other person is a blood relative.)

9. "I want my life to really mean something." (Works best if the other person is a stay-at-home parent.)

10. "I'm waiting until I'm your age." (Works best if the other person is old enough to be your grandparent.)

11. "Just lucky, I guess." (Works best if the other person has been, or is going through a messy divorce.)

12. "Why aren't you happy?" (Works best if the other person is married.)

13. "When did you last have sex and enjoy it?" (Works best if the other person has been married more than 7 years.)

14. "One of my personalities is already married."

15. "I would have to stop dating."

16. "Are you going to pay for the wedding?" (Always a show-stopper.)

17. "The voices tell me not to."

18. "I have yet to encounter a potential candidate whose intellect equals or exceeds my own."

19. "I'm overqualified for marriage."

20. "Every person I've been engaged to has died under mysterious circumstances."

^^^^
reminds me of Letterman's top 10 list X2. really like the "works best if "

Not sure I can help with the response, other than to say they most likely aren't really looking for a genuine, serious answers (so pick one of the hilarious ones above!). This question is asked of females of any "'dateable" age, in different forms. If younger, you would get asked "why don't you have a boyfriend?". They are just trying to pick you up, to say they would expect you to be spoken for. IMO it's just a line that guys use because they don't have a better flirting tactic. They don't really mean anything by it except "you're attractive and I'm hitting on you".

Damn fool question! Why aren't you x? Oh, you're a doctor? Why aren't you a professional wrestler? Sheesh.

Okay, deflecty but still charming.... How about: 'I would be, but George Clooney stopped returning my calls.'