Excited for our marriage; Terrified of the wedding

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About 2.5 years ago, I met the love of my life on Match. He's a social butterfly, but eccentric enough to embrace my eccentricities. He can't understand what it feels like when I have panic attacks or find myself in a crowd looking for a closet, a bathroom, or SOMEWHERE where I can be alone for a few minutes....but he does get that it is a very real issue that I have that is part of who I am and it isn't going to go away. I'm never going to be really good at maintaining eye contact with people when I talk and I am definitely not going to be the one teaching our kids to catch a softball.

A little over a year ago he proposed and I accepted. I love him so much and am thrilled that I am going to be his wife. Our wedding is in 3 months (June). I am excited. Obsessively compulsively folding origami cranes to decorate with because it is something I can control. I am terrified of ACTUALLY being the center of attention all day though even if a lot of the people there are my dearest friends and family. I'm nervous that I I will have panic attacks and not be able to live up to everyone's expectations of how the day should be. I know that it's MY day, but everyone certainly does have expectations. I try to explain this to my fiance, but he just keeps reassuring me that I will be with my sister and best friends before the ceremony and for the rest of the day he'll be right there beside me. It's reassuring, but I'm still anxious about it. I've been having nightmares and poor sleep for a couple of months already: one in particular I remember: I got to the wedding and none of my bridesmaids were people that I actually knew! (And it was pouring rain and my dress was not the one I picked out.)

Do any of you that have married have any advice for how to get myself through the day with poise?

(Note: I posted this in the love and relationships forum, too, but I really want advice from experienced adults who have made it through their wedding day so I thought I'd repost here, too, in case it yields better results.)

Hi

We got married two years ago after being together for 13 years and having children together. The reason we left it so long - you can probably guess - I hated the idea of it!

Was easier to do as a family as the children were very much centre of attention The ceremony itself was small a a registry office with only immediate family and the very shortest of vows. As hoped, the children provided ample distraction. The 'do' was in a pub, no speeches etc, just a buffet, no first dance, just a nice afternoon in the pub garden with nice food, drink and close friends.

I didn't know I had AS then. Despite having the children to hide behind and avoiding the things I panicked most about (the dancing/speeches and toasts), plus a family member did the photo's... there WERE moments that I hated. I am not sure this really helps you, but I survived it and we had a beautiful day.

FWIW, I was asked to be a bridesmaid a few years ago for a friend. It was an absolutely huge wedding and I am ashamed to say I bowed out in the 11th hour. I hated the idea of peole looking at me and having to smile and be socialable all day. I feigned illness. If I had known about my AS then, I could have explained to her better. At least I can justify it to myself now.

This sounds familiar to me! I was very anxious about the ceremony as I couldn't bear the idea of being the centre of attention and having people look at me.

The only way I could cope was to try and put it into perspective - the ceremony itself isn't actually very long, and the important thing is that it is your opportunity to make your commitment to your loved one - and in the eyes of God, if you choose a religious ceremony.

I did what I guess is a classic Aspie thing, and focussed on the small details rather than the overall picture, and tried not to obsess too much about the ceremony itself, and the social aspects. I made my wedding invitations, table decorations etc, and took control of seating plans and other organisational stuff to keep me occupied!

I also looked on it as a lovely opportunity for family and friends to get together - although I was the bride, of course, the day didn't have to be just about the bride and groom. Our wedding became more of a social gathering for extended family - which meant people were happy to chat to each other and catch up, without expecting me to do too much socialising.

It helped a lot that my family know that I am very shy and pretty reclusive too, so they didn't expect a huge wedding and understood that I needed a low-key day. Saying that, it was a special day and I am so glad I went through with it.

Good luck and I do hope you find a way to cope with the big day itself

Thanks!! yes, I guess I am finding myself obsessing over small details rather than the bigger picture and it helps. As soon as we got engaged, I had insisted that we start folding 1,000 origami cranes to decorate the reception with. (We are not of asian decent, but like the legend that if you fold 1,000 that you get a wish granted and it is a symbol of luck and monogamous commitment.) Then I started folding paper flowers for on tables... I may be over my head in origami projects, but at least it gives me a focus. And I suppose if I keep my focus on my husband to be and others' roles that that will help me not feel so self-conscious.

Do you take anything for anxiety? Your doctor may be willing to prescribe a small dose of Xanax or a beta block for you, just enough to get you through. I get a tiny scrip of Xanax filled when I have to perform or fly in an airplane. If you don't normally take such things, experiment with a half dose during the week before the wedding to test it out.

I do take fluoxetine for anxiety. I will ask about Xanax, but I am concerned that that will mean that I can't have a drink at my wedding? (I don't plan on drinking a lot, but a couple would be nice.)

A bit of an emotional breakdown last night: apparently my parents are pissed that I only wanted about a dozen of my close friends invited to the bachelorette and not all of my aunts and cousins and close family friends.

And they think I need to invite all of my aunts, uncles, and cousins to the rehearsal dinner as well: even the ones that don't need to come rehearse. This would put at least 100 people at the rehearsal. (My future in-laws are paying for the rehearsal dinner and will NOT understand because they are not inviting everyone under the sun to the rehearsal dinner.) Not to say that my parents aren't helping a little with the catering for the actual wedding, but it's not going to cover it all and there are plenty more expenses that we need to pick up.

Basically, I found this out when my Dad called and went off on me on the phone, "What the hell is wrong with you? And why are you alienating people?" Then I proceeded to get hysterical, hyperventilate, and not sleep all night. So frustrating...