Setting boundaries with a close friend

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I have a friend who I have known for eight years and we are rather close. Although we are in the same age group, this individual has a more severe disability which cause them to function at the level of a ten year old child. They don't always understand when someone sets boundaries and why they can't keep doing what they're doing.

In this particular case, this person tends to call me on a daily basis of five or six times in one night if I don't automatically pick up the phone to call back or pick it up when they call. I have even told them several times not to call me more than two times a night a half an hour apart. I then said that if I don't pick or call back on a certain night that I was busy or didn't feel like talking. Most recently, they had started accusing me of not like them anymore because I was too busy. So, I tried setting another boundary with them by try calling me a few days a a part on a twice a week basis. They said they would do it but then whined by telling me that they just wanted to hear my voice. However, they did not listen to my boundaries and so I had gotten another e-mail accusing me of being too busy for them. So I sent an e-mail basically stating that if she didn't seem to respect my boundaries that she would be required to e-mail me instead and not call at all.

Was that a little harsh? If so, how should I have handled it?

I love them dearly and enjoy spending time with them. At the same time, I feel like I have to bend over backwards to please that person and allow them to have their way. I also hate having to treat them like a child when they act like that.

Hello!

Let me begin by my saying that I know what you're going through right now, because I am going through the same thing with someone in MY life that just doesn't seem to get the message, no matter how diplomatic (or undiplomatic) I am about it.

They get into an endless loop where they microanalyze their past failed relationships, are so desparate for love that they drive anyone who might want them away, and totally ignore the counsel of the wise as to how their lives could be different, if they just weren't so doggone pushy. Like yourself, this person literally has me at the end of my wits!

You're doing nothing wrong. You've been overly accommodating for far too long, were forced to set boundaries, those boundaries are being ignored, and they have forced you to the point where you have been left with no other choice but to cut off communication. I know you hate to, but, like myself, you've been forced to pull away for your own survival.

Believe me, I know it's hard, but you MUST stand firm, for your OWN sake. The bottom line is, at the end of the day, you have to take your own continued sanity into consideration. Otherwise, people walk all over you - forcing you into a straitjacket, and to be medicated to the point of utter disregard for the world around you.

Like you said, you're basically dealing with a child. Since they refuse to respect your boundaries, you are being forced to TREAT THEM like a child.

Stand firm! They just might respect that. If not, at least YOU will have peace of mind, which is the most important thing of all!

Peace of mind, and your own existence, is worth fighting for. Trust me on that one.

Have A Great Day!

Rob

To give a brief about this friend, they currently live at home with their parents who have been extremely clingy with their child. Right now, they live in an area where there is no public transportation either and it's near the edge of a rural community. They pretty much stay home most of the time and do not get out much. When they make friends, there is then room to call all their friends on a continuous basis every single day. Like myself, the other friends have to set their own boundaries but I think I will worry about my own boundaries for now. While I understand that they are lonely and want to hear another voice and I understand and respect that, still I really feel that they need to learn to respect other people and their boundaries.


Anyway, they will be going to a vocational program which will be several hours away from where their parents live now where they will be given independent skills and as well as some other ones. While they are there, I am hoping that the staff there will be able to teach my friend what is and what is not appropriate. They will be leaving within the next few months and I hope things will work out while they are there.

I think that you dealt with the situation in a mature and assertive fashion, healthy for both parties. Having not fully come to terms with setting boundaries, I find your well-explained example helpful.