Finding the balance

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Now I am at the age where I look back at my life rather than forward, it would seem I've had an abundance of gifts, but achieved little. No doubt the people who find it easier to get on in life are the communicators. Communication has never been my best assett. Sure I've overcome a lot, but there are still remnants of my locked up younger years. Perhaps people see what I am not aware of.

The thing I find difficult is the problems make it difficult for me to find uses for the gifts I would like. For example it is very difficult for me to sell myself. I am not seen as the kind of person to be a leader. I overcame a lot of things associated with Autism and Asperger's, but even so was not accepted. It was as though I couldn't find a place of balance, except on a tightrope. Even though I overcame so much the place of balance was still difficult to find.

I had been feeling a bit guilty for not having made more of my life, and you must believe that I tried very hard over the years. Now I am inclined to think considering my beginnings I haven't done so badly. But the lack of balance, and over compensation for the earlier rejection can make other people around me insecure. I cannot accept medicority.

I still believe very strongly it's not where you are in life, but how far you've come.

Thanks for inviting me to this post.
I can relate in some ways to what you have expressed, especially the emotions behind the words.
Oh and I believe you that you've tried very hard.
If you wish tell us more about your gifts, your struggles and your life in general.

Hi slave, I'll come back to you, but have you seen my part of the would be novel The Beautiful Land in the Art and Writing section, plus The Wild Goose. They are both auto-biographical in some ways.

mntn, the early rejection in my opinion has made me an overachiever. I might be content to be at Rembrandt's level, but not out of simple ambition or pride. It is perhaps less than fortunate I chose to paint portraits. Nobody apparently wants to see even a beautiful face looking down on them, unless it is a commission. I'll post some landscapes for your judgement. But in any case being a painter is difficult. I have been told that a successful artist earns about £8,000 UK a year. An artist at the very top of their profession can earn about £27,000. I get pension credit, which means I'd need to earn £15,000 to make it worthwhile selling at all. Some years back I had a solo show, which was received favourably. I got my money back with one sale.

So, let's forget about painting. There are other areas of attainment which I have pursued with the same determination and probably level of ability as portraiture. Starting off as an exceptionally timid young man I grew in confidence and boldness. The problem has been that I got to be better than my so called elders and betters. Perhaps you will understand my inability to accept mediocrity when I say they still did not accept me. These people saw me as a threat.

You may appreciate by now that I am looking for my life to have meaning, rather than getting rich. Wealth is not money. I feel a lot of that meaning has been denied me. However, as I think about it, very recently, it occurs to me that our lives matter in terms of what we have been through, not so much the achievements, which can be realtively easy for some. I think of the mongol child who dies young and is deemed to have been useless. I cannot believe that such a life is meaningless. All human life is precious. The suffering of those people in the Cambodia killing fields matters, and in some ways their suffering is more important in the greater scheme of things than the great successes we see with those who consider themselves to be so, so important.

Hi slave, I need to think about this some more. Anyhow, it seems to me that producing anything of value creative wise, I mean original is going to mean a struggle in some way. I think Baudrelaire wrote something about that. Have I spelt his name right. I can tell you at times I've stood at the easel trying to find every last bit of strength within myself.

Grebels

Nice to meet you here. I have thought the same thoughts although it am almost 50 now. I don't own my own business, and I don't make money like some people. I do have credentials and do well in my field of accountancy.

How does one measure success or achievement? To me it is being well read in the classics, I appreciate classical music, play classical guitar, study philosophy and read great authors. I have a wonderful wife and daughter and provide for them. I have wonderful hobbies and I am talented in electronics, building radios, roller skating, bicycle riding.

I don't know that I will ever leave my mark in this world, or write a book that everyone will read? But then I don't like to stand out and so I doubted. I like Baudelaire, Aristotle, Rachmaninoff.

I can relate to selling yourself. As an accountant I work for a private company. I find it difficult to sell my services. I don't have the mind or drive to be all about the money.

Bill

Hi Bill, I hope you don't mind me saying that I could envy you. I have always been restless, always with something else to go for.

slave, one thing I've done over the years is to push my limits. I could do this with painting by copying a great master, Bourguereau. I've never got to his level of attainment, but there is so much I have learnt from him. By pushing my limits I put myself in the place where answers have to be found. I have to break new ground.

Thinking of what makes somebody creative how about this for an analogy. Think of a bunch of random iron filings. Maybe the neural wiring of creatives is a bit like that It is somehow managing to bring everything in to order that is the creativity. I could say bringing confusion into order. So maybe the NT has no need for that, they have nice ordered lives as it is.

Good points Stone_Man.

I think it's possible to go beyond thinking in terms of success in society's eyes. I'm 58 and don't feel even remotely successful but it doesn't bother me as far as I know. It may sound a bit simplistic but I just just enjoy being by myself most of the time and following my "special interest". Maybe earlier in life that wouldn't have seemed like enough but now it does.