Strip Clubs

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My boyfriend is going to a strip club for a friend's brithday in a week's time.

I was invited by the friend who is having the birthday which I didn't know at first. You see, my boyfriend told me he was just invited not the both of us. He is going by himself, while I go to another friend's party with people I don't know.

Just thinking about him going to a strip club is driving me nuts. We have been going out for 4 years and I can't handle the thought of him eyeing naked/half naked girls. His last work christmas party had strippers at it and he was telling me in great detail about how they pulled beads out of their arses. Lovely.

Anyway, how do I deal with this in a mature manner? Need advice.

Just be sure that he's getting all of his needs met with you before you make any demands.

Besides, he's not your husband, so what leverage can you use against him?

Well assuming that you have a happy, full and healthy relationship then I think that it is natural and normal for you to feel upset about the idea of him looking at naked / half naked women.

While I think it would be unreasonable for you to demand that he does not have any dealings with any other woman on this earth, for example he might work along side women, have a female dentist, have female friends or meet random women who are in shops selling bread etc.

But I do think that it is wrong for him to deliberately choose to put himself in temptations’ path, I think you should consider sitting down with him and explaining that you feel uncomfortable with the idea of him filling his mind with images of other women's bodies and other women doing lewd stuff.

I suspect that you feel hurt about the idea of him having a fantasy about some other woman who does sexual stuff which is different to what the two of you do or even the same sexual stuff.

I assume that the two of you are happy to discuss sexual matters, I would suggest that you tell him that if he wants to have sex differently then he should talk to you about it. But to paraphrase Alex Comfort I would like to remind you never to do anything which you are not totally happy doing just to please your partner (You are not his sex slave !).

But make it clear that in return for being his partner, being willing to talk about sex and being willing to make a reasonable effort to make each other happy and satisfied that you demand his exclusive attention when it comes to sexual things. So you would be perfectly reasonable to demand “No porno movies, no porno mags, no strippers and no cheating (in thought, word or deed)”.

The two of you need to work out by mutual agreement what is a “a reasonable effort to make each other happy and satisfied”. I can not tell you what this will be, it is up to the two of you as adults to work that out.

Okay, this is only my opinion.
Believe it or not, some men actually don't like to go to strip clubs, either because they don't like to or because it feels creepy and exploitative. Plenty of them are just fine with it, though, and you are dating one of those. (By the way, strippers for a work party??? Where does this guy work, the mafia? Or maybe you just live in a place with weird zoning laws? That tends to have a big influence on how mainstream the sex industry is....)

If he doesn't find it reasonable for you to tell him not to do stuff, he's not going to be happy being told not to do stuff... not to mention having to tell his friend he's not coming to this party, why he's not coming to this party, etc. and then being told "Oh, you let a woman tell you what to do.." blah blah is only going to make things weird.

So if you've already discussed this, just let him do what he wants to do and pretend you haven't noticed. Also consider that turnabout is fair play, in addition to being an excellent educational tool.

Besides, four years is a long time, and he is not going to run off with a stripper or anything.

Sorry if I sound jaded.

I would talk to him about why he didn't want you there. I'd always share sexy stuff with my girl.

it sounds like he doesn't really know how you feel about it, if he went into detail about stuff he saw at his work party last year. maybe tell him how you feel and let him know why you feel that way (i.e. is it jealousy? disdain at the objectification of women? his delight in the smuttiness? the fact he is leaving you out?).

if you let him know how you feel about it, he may decide not to go (or he may invite you along if that is what you wanted). or he may still go, in which case you'll have a good idea of whether he is willing to work around your feelings in this matter.

at the very least, you can have an open-ended conversation about this from both perspectives and come to a better understanding. he may have desires or emotions that can be discussed as well as your own feelings.

I don't think you have to worry about anything happening with a stripper. Strippers don't want the guys they dance for, or drink with there, but they act like they do. What they want is the guys money. Make sure he only takes a certain amount of cash and if you share a bank account with him, don't let him take the ATM card.

If a guy wants to look at naked women, he will. Whether it's at a titty bar, porn movie, skin mag, what have you. He was invited, so it's not like he's going there by himself or anything. It's more male bonding than anything else.

If it worries you that much, I say get him back. Throw a party for a girlfriend at Chippendales. Even if it doesn't make him worry, it sure will be fun for you!

First reaction:

That's a big huge fat red flag right there. He's been dishonest and devious in arranging to go alone. You have every reason to be bothered by this behavior.

You don't have anything to worry about as far as what might happen at the party, but his behavior with regard to scheming to go without you is highly suspicious.

It may not be a big deal as far as this party goes, but if he's willing to lie about something as small as this, what other things is he willing to lie about?

I'd be asking him point blank why he told you you weren't invited when the friend says you were. If you can't get a straight answer, I would advise letting him know in no uncertain terms that you won't tolerate it. Give a liar in inch, and they'll take a mile. That mile would be the rest of your relationship, how ever long that lasts, until you finally put your foot down.

Don't tolerate a lie. Ever. For any reason.


Second thoughts:

There is one other possibility though. Sometimes when a friend invites another friend who has a significant other will assume when they say, "Why don't you come?" that the friend they're asking will also assume that he means both of you. In other words, the friend having the party may have meant both of you, but didn't say so specifically, so you're boyfriend might have just assumed only he was invited.

Invitations to events with strippers are often misinterpreted for this reason. One might assume that because it's a party for a male, and there will be strippers, that women wouldn't be invited or even want to be there. People have varied attitudes toward parties like that. I've been to parties with strippers where women were obviously not welcome, and others with mixed company. Out of all the ones I've been to, the hosts are usually pretty clear about whether it's all male or mixed. Not always though, and when they're not clear about it, it's not unusual for problems like you're describing to crop up. I've see it many times. I've known people to break up over it.

I would be talking to the friend throwing the party. The one who said you were invited. Ask him straight up if he was crystal clear that you were. If he thinks your boyfriend could have misinterpreted him, give your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt.

From there, you just have to deal with how comfortable you are with it. Would you go with him? If yes, then just plan to go. If you're boyfriend has a problem with that, that's a red flag. If you wouldn't go, and don't want him to go either, but he still wants to, then you two have a lot to talk about. You'll have to decide whether you can live with something he likes to do that you'd rather he didn't, or ask him to respect your discomfort and not go, or, maybe you two just don't belong together.

In the end it'll probably turn out to be no big deal, but if you don't talk it over and figure out what's really going on and why it's bothering you so much, it'll become a bigger problem. People do break up over stuff like this. Sometimes it happens because of bigger blow ups that come from not talking about it. Sometimes it comes simply from realizing you both view this topic so differently you just don't belong together.

Sometimes it just fizzles.

I'm going to come at this from a slightly different perspective, as I see absolutely nothing wrong with strip clubs and would be perfectly fine with a significant other going to one on a special occasion.

First, definitely figure out the miscommunication issue regarding him telling you that only he was invited. Find out if he just misunderstood or was lying.

If he flat out lied, I'd be having some stern words with him if I were you.

Second, if he just misunderstood, then perhaps consider going with him instead of going to the other party where you don't know anyone. For many couples, a special event to a strip club in which both partners attend adds a wonderful level of spice to the relationship, gives you things to talk about and muse over later, and can be generally fun all around. Obviously if you are extremely uncomfortable with the idea of attending with him, then definitely follow hyperlexian's advice about discussing how you feel, but you already know the invite has been extended to you, so if you think you might be willing and able to get around your discomfort and your boyfriend is amenable to the idea, then give it a try. If it does go that way, and you both agree to go together, also agree that if your discomfort gets too bad then he'll be okay with taking you home and won't hold it over your head later. You can feel good that you at least gave it a try, and who knows - you may not need that ride home as soon as you might think.

If conversations with your boyfriend go well, yet you still don't feel comfortable going to the strip club with him, you'll at least know that you have alternate plans to keep you occupied in the meantime. No matter what you decide - strip club, party, stay at home - make sure you relax and enjoy yourself no matter what. Pick the route that makes you feel the most comfortable. If you agree to let him go to the strip club alone, make sure you find something else to occupy your mind besides dwelling on his activities during that time.

Just a waste of money.

All very good advice, especially this!

Even though I have no problems with strip clubs, I also agree with this.

Take it from a different angle, let him know that you love him dearly and you understand that he should go to the party. Gain his trust and tell him that you would like to hear how he got on there without being judgemental, you cannot take man out of being a man, we all deep down have that animal instinct. It is all part of the learning experience, people have to make their own decisions.

What I suggest is to sit down with each other next day and just chill and discuss it.

It's a shame you're so mismatched with each other in that way. I doubt whether any partner of mine would have tolerated my watching strippers without it messing up the partner's most tender feelings for me. Even a "small" thing like enthusing about a woman's partly-exposed breasts would have pissed them off. Some of my other female friends have also complained to me when their partner has tried to share such a thing.

I empathise with those women about this kind of stuff because I would feel a similar feeling of betrayal if a partner of mine became a stripper. Even if she was just showing a bit of tit at a party, like many women do, I would feel gutted, and I would feel I had to distance myself from her.......it would wreck the relationship. So I would understand if I went to see a stripper and was dumped for it.

If you too feel that you can't cope with the feelings of sexual betrayal that you get about this man's behaviour (it seems that you had no say in the matter), then I think you need to tell him how you feel.....if that doesn't work, increase the pressure gradually by warning him you're serious, and eventually threatening to leave if he hurts you again like that. Then, if he still won't listen, dump him.

I think it's all horses for courses. Some folks don't seem to mind quite a lot of mild emotional infidelity in a relationship, others do mind, some even find a bit of sexual jealousy to be a turn-on. So you have the choice of getting used to his ways or accepting that you can't and freeing yourself up to find somebody who puts your delicate feelings first and his porn attachments last. Just ask your next suitor all about his entertainment preferences, and if they don't meet your standards, don't get involved.

I'd suggest talking about it together and going through the conflict of opinions to both reach a better understanding.

All good advice and greatly appreciated I had a talk to him about it, it boils down to "what is the problem with visiting a strip club?" (his view). He visted the strip club and I was feeling miserable all night. The friend's reason for visiting the strip club was to troll a very conservative friend of ours so they say (he ended being denied into the strip club because he was wearing shorts). My friend (who was having the party I went to) told me not to worry, that "you've been a relationship long enough, (insert boyfriend's name here) won't do anything". The purpose of strippers are to make a show, flash their tits/ asses in men's (or women's faces) etc. It's more he has his attention on them than me (as selfish as it sounds). I'm consider myself pretty enough but it just makes me feel insecure *shrugs* :/