27 Year-old Son with Asperger's Rules His Mother's Life

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I recieved an e-mail from a woman who read my articles on Asperger's. She was asking me for advice about how to deal with her son who is an Aspie, but seems to make her life rather miserable. Here is my reply in the form of an entry in my new Vlog.

http://blip.tv/episode/5954374

I can relate somewhat from the other end, as I am close to his age.

I think the most pressing need is to identify the issues are that are holding him back from becoming more independent, which are likely many of the same that are irritating her. I think it's also important to consider that the very fact, he is still at home and she hasn't kicked him out, is indicative of a certain relationship between them, which may well have had a pervasive influence on his development. Not exclusively a negative influence, but I was also parented very intensively, and I'm beginning to wonder how much this strong and supportive parental influence masked underlying issues and deficits that would have otherwise been handled long ago.

I did live on my own for quite a while, when I was attending graduate school, and took care of my own finances, cooking, cleaning, etc. However, I was not successful in my program due to social issues, and so now I have had to move back in with my parents. Us aspies are often precocious and ahead of the game growing up, but then when we realize that the career world does not live up to our high expectations, and we can't easily live up to its expectations, we feel that something is deeply wrong.

This disillusionment is common among even people off the spectrum, though due to their greater flexibility, they seem to adjust faster. However, it seems that people without AS go through the worst of this upheaval earlier, when their peers also are, whereas for a "mid-20s teen" it's harder to catch up because most of one's education/career peers are ahead socially.

Also, in my case, I have a physical health issue that started around puberty and greatly decreased my frustration tolerance while increasing my obsessiveness even beyond what it would be from "just" Asperger's. To alleviate this required extensive treatment with antibiotics, various supplements, etc. over many years. I have heard that puberty is rough for many on the autism spectrum, sometimes even going as far as causing seizures or reactivating other serious disorders that were formerly under control. If a person is smart and studious and lives in a familiar environment, emotional issues like depression, irritability, etc. can be ignored (by the person himself/herself), until then when he tries to live on his own, they "catch up".

So if that woman does have her son move out, he should definitely have a therapist of some kind he can talk to, plus the mother should think about whether some of his behavior may be letting out some tension that must be eased before he can succeed in the world. Otherwise, when he leaves his familiar environment, he will likely get into arguments with his employers--due to inflexibility or overstepping boundaries--and burn bridges with friends, etc. I could imagine that some on the spectrum may actually be prone to getting into violent fights if they go out in the world before they have gained a measure of control over their internal and external environment.

I would also encourage him to keep home/career life balance. I realized a while back that I was expecting my career life to be kind of both a career and a hobby at the same time, which wasn't healthy. Encourage him to pursue things like exercise, art, etc. that can act as outlets, so he doesn't need his work to be an outlet (or can even be an "inlet", in the sense that it makes him have to give up/compromise).

That's all I can say...

I agree with a lot of what you've said. And I should make it clear that I do realize different people have different needs, especially when it comes to Asperger's.

But I do think him leaving the house could be the right catalyst for him. Without knowing where she lives I couldn't do more research for her and I hope she's inspired to try to look for that help.

I am his age. I used to be an issue but got better....

I'm still living with my parents & I'm 29 & I have a lot of the same problems he does with his mom. The idea of him moving out sounds good in theory but it is waaaay more complicated than that. I'm have physical disabilities that make it extremely difficult for me to find a job in my area & I cant drive due to low vision & there's no public transportation here. I can not get any kind of assistance or help other than Social Security Disability. I'm not seeing a therapist or docs or psychs because they were no help at all to me the 5 years I spent seeing them(they just wanted to keep me on high doses of meds because I wasn't negative or difficult or complaining if I was zoned-out of my mind but I could not think of function} & they cost me & my family a lot of money & I still have debut from them that I'm paying off. It is NOT as easy as you make it sound for lots of Aspies to get housing & other assistance; lots of programs are facing major budget cuts. It's very hard for some Aspis to find jobs even if they don't have any other disabilities; they have problems with interviews due to their awkwardness or saying the wrong things or showing the wrong facial expressions or gestures, they don't have friends that can help them network partly due to their awkwardness, their sensory issues make it difficult for them to be in certain types of environments, they may have problems handling things due to ADD/ADHD, OCD, learning problems or executive functioning. Kicking an Aspie out when he or she has no other places to go & lacks street smarts could cause em to be homeless & become prostitutes or criminals or end up deadI undcerstand that the mom is frustrated & I understand that my mom is very frustrated but but being kicked out with no other options seems extremely callous of a parent

But there is a catch there because a parent loves. But when your parent passes away your going to be thrown in the same situation but at a possibly much older age. In fairness your own need to stay home might be driving a wedge between your parents and ruining their lives. But then again the first thing on your mind is probably what you need.

I feel very guilty about that but I don't have any other options. I thought about running away or killing myself years ago because I felt like they would be better off without me but I didn't because I know it would hurt them & they want what's best for me. I am trying to become more independent. I made a bit of progress in lots of areas a few months ago when I was in a relationship. Having someone I turn to made me more motivated & less afraid to try & talking to her helped me sort things out. I never excepted or wanted ehr to help me with my problems but having her in my life allowed me to deal with things better. Perhaps what that guy needs is someone who's supportive of him, listens to em, encourages him ect. Being pressured to move out would make him feel unwelcome. My mom used to threaten to kick me out a lot as a kid & teen when I had my very many Aspie meltdowns; she threatened to send me to juvi, put me up for adaption, send me to military school, have me live on the street, & she used to say how she would have to get me euthanized after she dies because I'm helpless & cant do anything. All that did was lower my self esteem & made me afraid to try so I stayed very dependent. That guy needs guidance & support instead of being pressured to move out or being afraid of being kicked out which would make him feel like a helpless loser

I don't really feel like I understand how people write such long answers based on that letter. From what I've heard in the video, it doesn't really tell much about the mother, or the son and what their real problem is. I think until anyone here has any real knowledge about that situation, all that can be done in this thread would be discussing ABSTRACTS about a frustrated mother and a ruling son.

<< Moved by member of moderating team, from adult autism issues forum (more likely to reach the right demographic here). >>

That's about 90% of any online discussion to begin with.

True.

Oh, I don't know about that.

This isn't an abstract concept to me:

No one's life is ruled who doesn't allow it.

That might be the problem, or the mother might have subjective emotions of feeling persecuted/ruled, which'll interfere her from dealing with her son. That's why I didn't want to deal with abstractions/talking from personal experience. I think there'll always be a fraction of people who'll see autistic behaviour as 'ruling' or 'mean' due to lack of knowledge and knowing how to interpret it, even when they have no objective reason to.

Right. I get that my philosophy could cause some debate too. For me, that concept is pretty cut and dry though.

If a person can accept that, I could constructively discuss their problems with them.

If not, I'm not much help and probably ought to bugger off.

Mind you, the person that needs help is the mum, not any of the debaters on this thread. You should ignore me because I a. talk rubbish, b. project from personal experience.

Well the mother's problem might hit close to home for some people for any number of reasons. So if they equally benefit from any discussion that the video spawns I'm all for that.