Unemployment and marriage

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I am married to a kind and lovely undiagnosed aspie guy that I love very deeply. We have a great relationship, we connect and enjoy same kind of things in life. We are both middleaged and I'm NT. We are on a stage of our marriage that it is time to start to have children. Problem is that my husband doesn't work and seems to have huge problems in finding a work. It's not that he doesn't get a job, he has high education and most certainly would find a nice dayjob anytime. ( He has a academic background and he is making a careerchange into "normal work". ) Problem is that he doesn't get himself into applaying jobs. I do get it, it is a big thing to change career although idea is his own, not pushed by anyone else. I do get that due to his selfesteem problems he has difficulties in believing himself that he would get a job and be able to keep it. I do get that the longer it takes the more difficult the start will be, he has been at home now for over a year.

This work thing is not just about money either although we would need two person's income especially if we do have kids. I would be crucial to his self esteem problems to solve this. And the fact is that he certainly would need the social life that comes with a job since he has no friends. And for our marriage, I don't think it's fair to anyone that only one person goes to work, pays for everything and the other partner just sits at home and doesn't even do housework. And no, he certainly is not happy either to the situation since he does have a view that a man in the house should be a providor.

I am willing to do what ever it takes to help him out, but I am running out of ideas.

When I met my Aspie husband he was unemployed. And he was depressed because he was not able to find a job. Back then I had a job and in my free time I took in typing work for some extra money. He is a programmer, so he was a good typist. I asked him if he could help me with the typing, that way he would get some money and he could help me get more work. He felt a little ashamed because he was doing something that was way below his level, but he did it anyway because he had nothing else to do. In the meantime I continued helping him send applications. He felt so good doing some work, being able to get some money on his own and to pay for the things he wanted himself, that his mood started to change. A couple of months later he got a job doing what he loves: programming. That is just my experience, but maybe you can try something like that. Maybe he can find a way to work from home so he can get his ego busted.

To give him some experience of success, that would surely work. He is in a kind a bad self esteem situation. He has ph.D. and he sees himself not competent to even intern jobs. I would like to help him out with the job hunt, to do applications etc. but he wants to do it himself ( so doesn't do anything, but sits in front of the computer looking stressed). I know it doesn't help to get upset at him for not doing anything, still that is exactly how I feel.

My husband became the primary caregiver to our son after he was born. Would that be something he could do, if money's not the problem?

I answered your somewhat duplicate thread

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postp4769507.html#4769507

No, it doesnt help. And only makes things worse, because you are increasing his anxiety levels. Why dont you take a time out from that? Go somewhere during the weekend. Have a good time. Do something he enjoys (I know that's hard, my husband does not enjoy doing most things), work on your relationship, on feeling good together. Then, when you are back, try to talk to him again about the applications. Let him know that you want to help. That you see he is stressed about that and you want to help lower down his stress levels because he is affecting you both. Maybe you can print the applications, and you can ask him the questions and write down the answers. Try to make it like if it was a game. You can even suggest responses. And tell him he should pursue what he wants, likes, loves, feels capable of doing, no matter what his university degree says. Hope it helps

Just make sure you can support your children by yourself with a decent standard of living. Your partner will likely never be a stable breadwinner. Breadwinners go out and grab the best job they're able to, whether they feel confident enough or not. They just know they and their families need to eat and a roof over their heads. Sounds like you want to start a family when you're 100% busy rearing your husband.

Sorry for the wake-up call, but children is not a game, it's a huge responsibility where both partners have to be ready to make any kind of impossible sacrifices, including going out to earn a living even if it's scary. He may be a wonderful man, but he's not nearly ready to take on a family. So I repeat: for the sake of the children to come, make very sure you can support them by yourself. Having HFA doesn't mean we have to be treated with silk gloves all the time and exonerated from obligations. And what is it with housework? He's too aspie/depressed/unconfident to do laundry and iron your work shirts?

If you are able to, stop acting as his enabler. As long as you support him, he'll never make a step.