Love and/or lust

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There are couples married or living together for which it is difficult to establish exactly where love begins or ends and lust is the only glue which keeps the couple together. To have love you must understand the other in his/her inner recesses, without pretending to middle in these recesses or to intrude in Other’s interiority or pretend to exact a change. This is particularly true between ASD and ASD and NTs.

To have lust you must understand the other in his/her inner recesses too. Of course, lack of understanding can be aided with the judicious application of lube. The latter applies for love, too.

Well I was burned by that concept recently-had deep feelings for a person,felt in love and just couldn't express it-put this person first before even myself and that person didn't feel the same and lusted and consummated that lust on a single encounter with another person 3 years younger and 70 pounds heavier after it was inferred the other person had a problem with age difference towards me. Still hurts!

I have never had a wife, and presumably (I am seventyeight) I will never have one. Only now, a little late, I understand what the problems are. I ignored, until a few years ago, what ASD means. Now I have some utopic idea of how a love&lust relationship should be. I think that lust should never suffocate love and that most couples (ASD or NT or mixed) are founded on lust more than love. though I admit that lust often feeds a little of love or attachment (gratitude at least, if there is respect).

Has anyone else ever noticed that, just as the world's greatest "experts" on raising children have never had children of their own, the world's greatest "experts" on marital relationships have never been married?

Sorta like an auto mechanic who never owned a car ... or a male gynecologist ...

I didn't want to talk about marriages, but about stable relationships. In the past and now in large parts of the world marriages are arranged by families or other agencies.

This is about this subject:
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/12/0 ... r-than-sex

How many couples do you know who are only held together by lust? It doesn't seem like a very lasting glue.

Yet, lust without love/compassion IS what too many individuals do try to use for sustaining a relationship. Either they can't accurately define their own lust as lust (rather than as 'love) or they're unable to know the difference in the first place...and to know that long-term/life-term takes both: 'lust' to spark it and 'love' to create 'permanent' conjoining. btw, It seems a little funny how much emphasis is put on situations of 'lust-without-love', but not much discourse on 'love-without-lust'. Even in situations of 'love-without-lust', most often the result is the same: the partnering is disbanded at some point.

Paolo, how are you?
It is very good to see you are still posting your interesting thoughts and quesions here...I have seen several familar faces (well, avatars) and remembered some good conversations!
Friendship and companionship I have seen in older couples sometimes. Maybe those qualities aremore important among the old. And support, and tenderness.
Perhaps these are aspects of love.

And sometimes after a decade or two, or three, you just get comfortable together.

For some couples it's easier to just stay together after all those years rather than start over, especially when things aren't bad, there's just no "oomph".

Love isn't always passionate and it can have it's different depths over the years. What starts out as overpowering love, longing, desire to know every bit of each other burns down like a fire to a low flame and coals. It still gives warmth and you still need it, but it's not so intense that it's all you can think about. When the fire burns so hot and bright during the beginning, it can illuminate all those recesses and you can see everything without probing. Eventually, you know things you don't want to know, and because compromise is needed, you just ignore them. Sometimes one person has to ignore things, and sometimes the other person has to. It's a survival mechanism, and it doesn't negate love.

_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

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