Arguments in relationships

Post Reply New Topic

Hi everyone

I wanted to hear how others go with arguments within their relationships...

I have always argued with people I live with - from when I was young with my parents and siblings, to my relationships, to my ex long term relationship, to my current one.

I seem to totally lose all sense of myself in an argument. First, I definitely am hypersensitive to criticism and this can spark an argument often as I feel so intensely hurt, that I need to discuss it with my partner in order to continue to function happily within the rship.

I also have trouble getting myself out of certain emotional states also - from depression, to excitement, to feeling threatened, to feeling angry, etc. I just have accepted that once I am in a strong mood, it is going to take a LOT of work and a LOT of time to snap out of it. I hate it!

During an argument, I feel threatened by something, and hence become angrily defensive. And I try to talk rationally and to make sense of everything. I can't seem to do anything but "logic it out", but this only makes it worse, as once we are both emotional, we can't hear each other's logic very well, and I can't connect with his feelings at all. If I don't understand the logic, I can't understand his feelings. And then I just stay so angry for so long even though I can see things are getting way out of control. I can be yelling, throwing things/kicking things, crying, etc. Definitely not me at my best!! ! I also gt very caught up on "fairness" and hypocrisy. I can't handle it if he is angry at me for something which he does himself.

I find the best thing to do is to get some distance from him in order to calm down a bit and really "listen" in my head to what he has said and to calm my emotions down. But then if there is ANY hint that he is angry at me still, it ruins all of that and we are back to where we started. I am very scared of anger and become highly defensive myself. And then if it gets too bad I just shut down and can't talk at all, or I end of having a panic attack. I often feel so misunderstood and unfairly judged.

These arguments ruin my relationships and I don't know what to do! Any insight or advice or understanding?

Am I really the only one?

I argued in my last ones and my husband says I argue with him. It's usually over facts or asking questions and wanting to know why to everything and I am a "prove it" person. I always want to know facts, not opinions.

Ah yes, I know what you mean. Although I want to know opinions AND facts lol I am definitely a question-asker, and annoy many people with it. I am trying to understand people through these questions, and always get misunderstood along the way.

My main problem is my emotional overreactions though. I wish I could control them, but they erupt before I can exercise any conscious control over them and then I am just stuck within them

I have always fought with my partners all of my life. I'm now married and fight with my wife if I become depressed, I can't help it, abit of space usually sorts things out.

My wife also lives with depression, I somehow end up catching her depression (Empathy) and we might end up argueing over nonsense.
Trust me, relationships are a challenge for me, with a mind that has the potential to go on and on, I feel nothing but compassion for my wife for putting up with me.

I sometimes fight with a close friend, and it often arises from feeling attacked or by me taking things too literally. In addition my friend often thinks I am being argumentative when I am only trying to either understand or to be understood.

When I do get angry, I do sometimes go places emotionally that are counter-productive and things just escalate. At those times distance does help, but it is sometimes perceived as withdrawing or not caring and seems to sometimes make things worse. With my recent discovery that I may have aspergers, we can hopefully learn to deal with my traits... but maybe I am being optimistic.

You're not alone. I would fight with my parents over fairness issues ( I'm one of 3 kids) . I was great at sulking and holding a grudge. I would also yell, throw things and slam doors.

These days I tend to go for the non verbal responses. I hold my feelings in and if it gets too much I just shutdown.

Wow! Your first post completely describes me...and I thought I was the only one! I can not take it when being yelled at (he says he's not yelling...whatever) and I just shut down. I'm also sensitive to criticism and feel very hurt. And I just had the "logic" discussion with him last night! Let's hope it worked! Fairness is also a big issue for me but I don't think I'll ever win that argument.
As far as advice...I'm still learning too. But I'd like to have him also meet with my counselor to learn about this, so he can hear it from a pro that I am NOT making this up. Sometimes when I'm not too overwhelmed I can just let some things go. I recommend doing that whenever you can. I'm extremely stressed out right now and so the littlest thing sets me off...and of course he can't understand that and says we should split. Another Aspie friend of mine says the best way to deal with stress is to avoid it...I agree! But sometimes that is just not possible. I think if you take enough time for yourself at regular intervals it helps to keep perspective.

yes. we're logical, we're fact based. we're also bunches of chemical reactions going on.

so run some experiments( QuanitifiedSelf etc) on factors correlating to your unwanted emotions. e.g. people you saw, situations you were in, sunlight amount etc etc

in particular run 30 or more day trials of:

no caffeine (caffeineevaluation.blogspot.co.uk)

no alcohol

no sugar
"Unfortunately, refined sugars upset blood sugar levels, creating a jagged cycle of energy surge and crash."
http://www.livestrong.com/article/10507 ... z28YJncnVt
Do the energy ups and downs cause emotional ups and downs also?
http://www.lowcarbfriends.com/bbs/gener ... st15782704
http://www.healthboards.com/boards/add- ... tions.html
This is a fun site you'll like I think! http://www.sugarstacks.com/shakes.htm


i.e. stop putting stuff over your blood-brain barrier.

See what works

Living clean may be your answer.
It will be worth it. You'll still have fun.

Since my husband and I are both Aspie, we tend to get into exhausting "discussions." Sometimes it will be over something he said that came across wrong, or he will think that I am angry at him when I am tired or not feeling well. This inability "read" him has caused most of the disagreements between us. Often he will misread me and think he is right and that I am just disagreeing, or whatever. But I have found that if we are getting into an escalating emotional state, we have to agree to walk away and come back to it later. Or else it just goes on and on until we are both exhausted.

try using REBT (read an Albert Ellis book) or CBT (moodgym.anu.edu.au is free) to see how your thoughts go the wrong way

for instance rather than
if he is angry with me it is awful
say in your head
it would be nice if was not angry with me, but it's not the end ofnthe world if he is

Most of the ten years I have been with my wife, I did not realise I fit the AS profile. As far as I was concerned, if something made perfect sense to me it should also make sense to everyone else unless there is something wrong with them or I was not explaining it very well. We have always had the same problem of having a disagreement about something minor escalate into a serious argument about, essentially, communication. In my mind, there was actually something seriously wrong with her in these situations (despite the careful mentions by her of not having these issues with anyone else she would have a disagreement with). I am ashamed to say, with hindsight, I acted in a way which must have appeared and felt very cruel. I was "right" and until she could explain otherwise in a way that made sense (to me...which is rarely did for reasons that are becoming clear only now). I genuinely felt that I was acting in the best possible way to 'fix' the communications problem I saw. Now I realise how wrong I had it I feel a great deal of guilt as I realise I was the one behaving in an atypical way but didnt realise it. I cant change overnight but am acutely aware of this whenever we do have disagreements now.

yep NT women very, very different from us. See e.g. www.thefemininewoman.com/ hard to believe, but I think it is for real. my wife of 26 years similar.
- sometimes does silly things just to get interaction with me
- doesn't want solutions to problems, just wants sharing on them
- huge appetite for emotional intimacy; impossible to satisfy; thus a source of tension. she is helped by knowing male and AS brains are different, get worn out by it (i tell her it's like doing quadratic equations all the time)
I think we need to commit a lot of (inefficient, seemingly) time to marriage to enable it to survive well.
my marriage is currently really, really good