Drop off / pick up at kindergarten

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How do you deal with it? Our youngest just started after the summer, and I am the one stuck with the pick up/drop off responsibility this time around. What do you talk about? What is it appropriate to ask? How long should the interaction with the staff usually be? Do I have to introduce myself to the other parents? Do I have to chat with the other parents aswell? What is it expected to ask when a child has been in someone elses care the whole day? Do you have any special methods for remembering faces and names of those you meet and greet?

The first day, she was there for 1-2 hours, and so was I. Luckily we both survived. The second day I were there for 20 minutes, and my kid for 3-4 hours, we both survived again, but I were exhausted the second day and had to sleep for 2 hours when my wife got home (Partially because I had five different social situations within a few hours that day, which just took all my energy).

On an average day, I am bound to bump into other parents, being forced to participate in conversations with both the staff and parents. How do I prepare/cope? How can I best endure this every day and still retain an ounce of energy when the day is over?

It is kind of silly, but this summer it has almost been better for me to stay at home taking care of our kid, than to drop off / pick up at our intermittent nanny. I expend more energy on the greeting and goodbyes on both drop off and pick up, than I do the entire day taking care of our kid, so the whole "having a nanny to get some down time"-thing kind of backfires. I really don't want to experience the same thing now when she enrolls in kindergarten, hence this post.

Summary:

• How do you deal with it?
• What do you talk about?
• What is it appropriate to ask?
• How long should the interaction with the staff usually be?
• Do I have to introduce myself to the other parents?
• Do I have to chat with the other parents aswell?
• What is it expected to ask when a child has been in someone elses care the whole day?
• Do you have any special methods for remembering faces and names of those you meet and greet?
• How do I prepare/cope?
• How can I best endure this every day and still retain an ounce of energy when the day is over?

Why would you need to interact, if it were me, the only interaction would be with my child. You need not interact with a teacher unless you have a specific question, or they ask to talk to you. Just a polite greeting should do.

Of course, I have been behind a school bus where it seemed that every parent was on the bus long enough to say hi to every student then sing 8 verses of "The Wheels on the Bus." So I might be out of touch with the norm.

I'm not a parent but I often collect(ed) my nephew(s) from nursery (what we call kindergarten here in the UK so the cultural expectations could be different - YMMV!). Regardless, this is roughly the process I have observed when doing this so maybe it will help in some way:

How do you deal with it?

Tell oneself it's only as social a task as you want or require it to be. If you decide that what you need is to collect your child without engaging in social chit-chat with the other parents then this is acceptable. Make sure you arrive precisely one or two minutes before class ends so you can just grab your child and go. Certain types of (normally female - no sexism intended but it's true, the men usually just wanna get their kid and go home) parents in these kind of situations may form a social group or clique together and may try to engage you in chit chat, often of the "Keeping up with the Joneses" type. Unless you feel strongly inclined to join in then avoid it, these kind of cliques are often toxic at the best of times. There may also be nice groups of parents but telling the difference is beyond the scope of this thread imo.

What do you talk about?

If chit chat with other parents is unavoidable then it is perfectly acceptable to stick to trivial conversations about parenting matters and *nothing else*. Don't feel drawn into these conversations unnecessarily. You can end these conversations with a "Well it was nice talking to you about (X) but we have to get home to Mommy/Daddy/go visit Grandma/go shopping now. Goodbye!" or something along those lines. Topics of conversation with teacher might include - What your child has eaten today - What child has learned today - Depending on age whether your child has used the bathroom etc - How well behaved your child has been - Any homework which may have been set - Any after-school clubs and social activities which may have been organised by the school. Some of these topics might be discussed with other parents too. Topics to AVOID: Religion, politics, sports teams, other people's parenting skills ("Oh you do [X] that way with your child? I think [Y] way is much better!").

What is it appropriate to ask?

Anything from the answer I gave to the last question is probably an appropriate topic of conversation. Not much else is appropriate UNLESS you have already become more than an acquaintance with any of the other parents. Then normal topics for the appropriate stage of friendship and appropriate to the other person's cultural sensitivities would become acceptable.

How long should the interaction with the staff usually be?

I'm not sure *entirely* how things work there so I'll explain how it works for us here. The kids stay inside until parents/carers arrive. I arrive and knock at the door, a member of staff confirms with me the name of the child and goes to get him. When they come back with my nephew there is some small talk about the kind of topics mentioned above. This whole second part of the interaction need last no more than 20-30 seconds. Any longer and the staff will start to appear uncomfortable as if they want to do something else.

Do I have to introduce myself to the other parents?

You don't *have* to but you may be viewed as slightly "rude" or "standoffish" if you do not. Failing to introduce yourself to the other parents is a LOT less important in a busy city type school compared to if you live in a small town where people know each other more/are generally more friendly and chit-chatty. In the second circumstance it may be fairly taboo to ignore the other parents. Sadly again this applies more if you are a female parent - the other moms will be more likely to care about this than the other dads. This isn't sexism people it's just my experience. Feel free to shoot it down.

Do I have to chat with the other parents aswell?

Pretty much the same things apply as in the last question. It may be beneficial to get advice from a neurotypical friend who could perhaps go with you one time and give you a reading on the kind of dynamic going down at your particular kindergarten so you feel more confident in your reading of the situation.

What is it expected to ask when a child has been in someone elses care the whole day?

Same list as before: - Has child been good/played nicely with the other children/behaved in an appropriate way if your child is autistic or has some other developmental issue - What child has eaten - Has child used bathroom recently (if child is very young or still training) - What child has done/learned today in school

Do you have any special methods for remembering faces and names of those you meet and greet?

The method I always use to try to remember faces and names in any situation is as follows: When introduced I try to think of a pre-existing friend (or perhaps a celebrity) with the SAME NAME (this part is important) as the new person. In the mental picture the new person is disguising themselves as my pre-existing friend. The disguise is *really* hammy, like out of a B-movie costume department. It looks ridiculous and even with the costume it is blatantly obvious that this is the new person and not the old one! Nevertheless it is detailed enough for you to be able to tell who the costume is supposed to be. The more comic details that can be fit into the image the better this works. The point is to try to elicit an emotional response in oneself upon seeing the new person the next time ("Oh haha, he was trying to dress up as John! His name is John!"). I actually totally suck at visualising stuff but nevertheless I have used this technique to varying degrees of success and am certainly better at remembering names when I do this that when I don't.

How do I prepare/cope?

Resign yourself to the fact that some of the people there may judge you regardless of what you do or say. Some people are judgemental and there is nothing like other people's children and parenting skills to bring out the judgemental in these people. Aim to identify these people for what they are and steer clear of them. If you ever get asked what you earn/what your partner earns/what you do/what your partner does then you have found these people. They are toxic, excuse yourself and check out! There are probably also some nice people there with whom, if you are interested in social stuff,
this might be a good opportunity to find a new friendship. Again that part is probably outside the scope of this article.

Obviously this task is never going to be *easy* but I think if you are able to be there for as short a time as is required and avoid the toxic fellow parents then that is most of the REALLY unpleasant part dealt with. Remember: You're there to get your kid! With the exception of a real small, friendly town you can probably get away with next to no socialising and chit chat if you want

How can I best endure this every day and still retain an ounce of energy when the day is over?

Personally I am quite good at just thinking "f**k it" in these situations and ignoring all of the other people and their BS and just getting what I need to do, done. The bare minimum you need to do is get there, exchange the vital information with teacher/staff and leave with the child. The rest is optional, if you don't care about people you're not invested with thinking you are rude then this doesn't need to be stressful. If you do care I'm sorry but I don't have any advice for this part

Thanks a lot! Really detailed and to the point answers. I will have to read it a couple of times more to make it stick, and then perhaps I can reply more specific.

This wouldn't work were I live, not with kindergarten. They have kids ranging from 1 to 3 years old, and no classes. They do however have a core schedule. I have to deliver before 09:00, and I can't pick up until 14:30, with 07:00 as the earliest and 16:30 as the latest. The way I did it today was to come exactly 09:00 to avoid the parent-rush (most have jobs that start 07:30/08:00/08:30/09:00, and have to account for atleast 5 minute travel from the kindergarten). As long as I come between 08:56 and 09:00, I feel fairly certain I won't meet more than one other parent or so.

When it comes to picking her up, I guess 15:05 to 16:30 would be the "risky" times, so picking her up between 14:30 and 15:04 would be best bet for not meeting parents in the workforce. That leaves the parents outside of the workforce of course, which I have no knowledge of, and can't take into account until I have delivered/picked up a few times.

I really don't mean to avoid the parents, they may be wonderful people, I only aim to make my day as predictable as possible, and with as much energy retained for daily chores instead of wasting it on unnecessary social interactions.



Thanks! Really helpful because I have no clue when people get uncomfortable in a conversation. 20-30 seconds of interaction when they come back with my daughter seems like a fair amount.



I'm a dad, living in a small town. We just moved here a few years ago, so I am not that into this community, but I am guessing/fearing it would be viewed as "rude" if I don't introduce myself. I do try to smile and nod my head, but I would be really uncomfortable reaching out my hand and introducing myself, since I've had a lot of bad experience with that. It seems everytime I initiate that ritual, others seems to laugh it off as too formal, but when others initiate it, everyone around thinks that it was the appropriate thing to do. I really have no clue when it is ok to extend my hand for an introduction and when it is not.



Bathroom is a non-issue at the moment, but last diperchange might be the best instead. After-school social activities organised by the kindergarten will be announced in informational sheets at our kids wardrobe, so no need to ask about that, but if the topic is raised, I will be sure to be prepared for it. So basicly;

• Last diperchange?
• What she ate at 14:00?
• Did she learn anything today(walking is imminent/songs/games)?
• Did she play well with the others and behave ok?
• Did they take a trip outside today?

My wife told me a similar method, only she assigns them caricaturial features. "Frank has a big nose. Frankly he has a big nose. That sure is a big nose on frank. Frankly, Frank has a big nose." I used that method, together with yours, to remember one of the staffmembers before I even read your post actually. She is named the same as a friend, they actually have the same type of hair, this new person has larger teeth. So basicly what I am thinking when I see her is; Ahh, that's Laura with funny teeth-costume.


I wouldn't agree with all those people being toxic, they may just be clueless like me, or looking for that "it's a small world"-connection by finding out you work at a place they know of, or know someone else that works there, that you might know. But I will definitly try to care less about what others think about me. It's easier said than done, because I've come to the realization that I do care because I care what others say about my kids father, and I do not want them to hear mean things/rumors about me.


I am looking to expand my social network, but mostly for my children. I seek to be on friendly terms with parents of my childrens friends.


I will keep this as my mantra when I drive towards the kindergarten; "I will just pick up my kid, exchange vital information, and leave.", perhaps it will be less taxing then.

Thanks again!

When I used to drop off and collect my daughter from nursery, I worried about the interactions with other adults. However, strangely, even though I have social anxiety, I seemed to be the one with the most to say to the other parents, whilst we waited for our kids, in the hallway. It really wasn't necessary and I often said too much. They probably thought I was a 'life and soul of the party', confident type or wished I would shut up. All I needed to do was exchange pleasantries and the only person I should have ever needed to speak to, in any depth, was my daughter's keyworker (and only if there was anything specific to ask).

So, today I remembered to ask how she slept at naptime, but I forgot all the other questions. However, I now know the name of another staffmember. I'm sure I will get the hang of it eventually. 3 days in, and it's already less scary. Thanks for tips'n'tricks.

The bad news is that in some ways all of this will gets more complicated as children get older. You have to start arranging play-dates with classmates and engage in additional activities that involve all the parents getting together. I have just had to force myself to accept the idea that I am totally awkward at all of it. I let the teachers and other parents that are willing and able give me a little guidance know that. Plenty of parents and some teachers don't respond, but all it takes are a few that do to make your life much more pleasant.

Every time a teacher has to explain something to me or seems to detect that I don't know what I'm doing, I jump at the opportunity to tell them I don't know what I'm doing and let them know that they (along with my wife's help) will eventually get me "trained."

My wife comes to my rescue and does a fairly good job of jumping at every opportunity to make contact with other parents. She then arranges play-dates for our children and just uses me as a messenger since I do the pick up and drop off. I don't know how I would cope if she wasn't able to do as much as she does. I am luckily a bit of a foreigner and can blame a lot of my awkwardness on that. There aren't many stay-at-home fathers at my children's school, so I already stand out among all of the mothers.