How do you know if you ever want children or not?

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For a long time I used think I did not want to have children.... Then I realized how many women deeply wanted children, and that if I did not want them then our relationship was doomed. I have softened to being more ambivalent about children. I think it would be great in the right circumstances... having enough money to support a family, good career close to home, beautiful wife who loved me for me, etc.

I have been told that to find the right woman, I need to know exactly what I want, and having children is a big issue. I would say I am not ready for children right now, but may be one day, but I don't know if and when that would be. My mother has said to me a few times that she knows me very well, and doesn't think I am cut out for fatherhood or would enjoy being a parent. In some ways I completely agree, I just don't want to be alone my whole life and never get married. Also it seems like life would be limited in some ways being childfree.

On the other hand I think it would be tough on the marriage having children, and my aspergers would put a strain on the marriage at the best of times, let alone with kids involved.

I guess I don't want to set myself and a marriage up for failure (I've heard the grim stats on AS male/nt female divorce), or lie to myself and get into a situation that isn't in either party's long term best interest.

I think kids are cute, and I do have a place in my heart for kids. On the other hand, I have spent very little time around them, and I do not know if I could or would want to handle the lifetime commitment of caring for children above anything else.

Help!

I definitely don't think lying is a good idea, or allowing yourself to be put into a situation you are unhappy with. I do think that a lot of men change their feelings over time. When I started dating my boyfriend he was 28 and said he wasn't sure about kids. He is now 33 and has said he would like children. I am a bit ambivalent I went from really wanting children to not wanting them, to wanting them again and now I am not so sure. Like you I worry about my ability to look after my children properly. I am also terrified of being left to bring up children on my own, as I do not think I could cope with that.

Perhaps you can tell anyone you are dating the truth. There are of course women who don't want kids, or women who are unable to have any. I think it's reasonable to say that you are not sure about kids and that you were waiting to see how you felt when you were with the right person. In the meantime, perhaps you could spend more time with kids if you have any in your family but bear in mind that everyone likes their own children a lot more than other people's.

I knew from my early 20's that I wanted a family. I was never one of those people wanting to hold other people's babies, but I knew I wanted my own. If I was being totally honest with myself, I am sure on some level I knew I would never have many friends (even though I didn't know I was autistic), and I also knew that I did not want to be alone, so that was my solution-have a family-the only way I wouldn't be alone. Things aren't always completely planned. I was in my mid to late 20's, and my recently ex-boyfriend was in his mid 30's, when I found out I was pregnant. I had not planned on telling him. I had been planning on relocating to a different part of the country, and I planned on leaving w/o telling him, but a friend convinced me that it was his right to know and that I had to tell him, which I did. He chose to move with me halfway across the country to get a new start. We eventually got married and had several more children (not necessarily in that order). The child I was pregnant with is a teenager now, and we are still together. Ironically my husband thought he couldn't have children due to a childhood accident. I adore my children-but it's not for everyone. They are all at a minimum touched by autism (1 is diagnosed w/autism and another probably will be), but it works for us because we "get" eachother. We generally don't always understand the rest of the world-but we are a unit, and I am extremely close with them. Sometimes people worry about having autistic children, but I think having NT children would have been much more difficult for me.

There's definitely something to the concept that it is different when it is your own kids. That is not to say that there are not times when I stand back and think to myself-how could I have had all these kids-what was I thinking-school functions, weddings (eventually), etc, but I wouldn't trade it. It is definitely a lifetime commitment-even when they are grown. My youngest is in preschool, so I have a ways to go.

You still have time to decide. As I said my husband was in his mid thirties when we had our first child. I would say that when you are dating you definitely need to be honest about your wants and needs, but things are never black and white. My husband is at the very edge of the spectrum to where he really only has a few traits, but is far enough into the spectrum to where he understands me. I only realized within the past couple of years that I have autism, and as a result have tried to interact with him in a more positive way-but it's definitely work. For right now, I would just give it time. If you decide you would like for it to be an option, it would probably make sense to find someone who feels the same way.

I have probably kind of aimlessly rambled on, but I hope it helps a little.

There are many people, both men and women, who decide not to have children. I think as long as you and the person you're considering spending your life with are in agreement about your feelings on the subject, you should be fine. For example, maybe you and the other person aren't really sure what you want but are leaning on the side of not having children. Your views may change as your relationship develops and time goes on, but if you keep an ongoing conversation about the subject throughout the relationship you can discuss new experiences as they come up and find out if either of you are starting to have different opinions or desires.

I do not want to have children, I still need to focus on raising myself. Some people are sure they want to have children, some people are not sure, some people say they don't but end up having one, some people are absolutely sure they do not even in the future, ehem.

I know I don't want children any time soon, I don't look highly upon young people who have kids so early and are not ready. Every one in my family had their kid at 20 or less so I am proud I broke that trend. But I Admit, lets say I was 40 and I had my life completely set up, I don't know if I am 100% against the idea of having kids. How would they turn out? I think if I had an NT daughter, she might kill me by the time she is 15 haha. If I had an aspie, I would be glad that he/she could having an understanding / support earlier on than me, if I had a more classic auti, I do have experience with that, but life could be difficult at times, especially when he / she would need some one to take car of them as an adult.

I was an only child until I was 12, then my mom has had !4! children from then until her last one so far a year ago. I lived with three of them until I was 19, so in a way it was like I had kids, so I am done with that. I was good at taking care of them, sometimes I felt the most responsible with them. For instance my first brother who is more classic auti, we would be in the restaurant, we would be stuck crambed in a booth, he would panic and refuse to stay there, he couldn't explain why, he would run away out the building to the end of the parking lot, he would sit down and be fine by him self and talk about things he likes. My step dad would "train"him at home and force him to stay at the table every night (It never worked anyway), I would not force him to do that. My parents said he'd be happier if he learned to stay, I said he is happy doing what he naturally does and finding his own peaceful spot. I think that since I can relate to him, just not all the severity, I might do a good job raising such a child, I just am not going to. When he was a baby, I felt scared holding him, but I wanted to hold him. When he would first go to sleep at night, I would feel scared something might happen, some infants inexplicably die in their sleep so I was afraid of that.

That was with my brother, now with any other baby or infant, I do NOT want to hold them! I Don't want to touch pregnant people's stomachs to see if the baby is kicking. Babies are sometimes cute, but I don't want to have much to do with them. I have a cousin who is a kid, before I was moved out, i found it so anoyying when I would come home and no one told me he'd be in my room playing my Xbox taking over my whole room, I would have to sit down and wait downstairs till late at night and wait for him to be done.
Ouch my thumb tips hurt I am writing on my phone again, this makes the boat commute time go down.

I know of several married couples (including my brother and his wife) who have no children, and will not have children. They have dogs, their jobs, hobbies, their house, and other family and friends and have a full life. Not ALL women want to have children, or are capable of having them. This is definitely something you can work out by being honest with yourself, being honest with potential significant others, and finding out what your goals are for yourself and your life. You can have a rich family and friendships without having kids of your own.


There is also a book that has questions you can answer with someone you are considering marrying that covers many aspects of life, it is called The Hard Questions by susan piver. I think it is available pretty cheap used because it came out several years ago. Maybe reading thru it and going over your ideas about you want would help clarify your goals for your purpose.

I have always wanted children since I was five years old. It was just something that was in my head. I have always liked babies and kids. Then as an adult I decided to not have kids unless I was with the right person and then I have been unsure if I wanted them or not. I went back and forth to wanting them and not wanting them. What made me decide to just have one was my husband telling me everything be okay and he help me raise our child and he will let me know if I cross the line with my parenting and to let him do the punishments since I get too tough. Plus we have his family nearby and my parents are moving back here so they be around to help out.

Knowing my limitations, I could see how it would interfere with my parenting but with my husband and my parents, I'd be okay. Plus everyone kept telling me I would be a good mother but I often wonder how the heck can you tell who be a good parent or not?

I even want to have more kids but two the most we would have.

I suppose that if you get accused of being a paedophile in your life, if you have to HAVE that type of trauma in your life, then you will know for sure that you won't want children just as I don't.

Myself and my husband decided not to have children.

It was something we've discussed on a number of occasions very openly, right from very early on in our relationship.

For me as a woman, because there is a time limit, it was important we reached a clear decision.

In the end it's boiled down to he's decided he doesn't want them, and I've decided I don't want them enough.

He had said if I really really wanted them we could.

I think this has worked out great for us; I really enjoy our child free lifestyle, and the older I get I would say the more I enjoy it. I have had some regrets but the older I get, the more I feel we've made the right decision.

I know for some women this is a deal breaker, so if you find someone where you both feel you might want to spend the rest of your lives or at least child producing years together, I think it's important that this is discussed frankly early on.

I do wonder how many people just end up having children because that's what everyone does, I suspect there may be a number of women who are at the least ambivalent about having children; I have met some.

For the record I do like children, but I currently think I definitely wouldn't want to be caring for one full time. I also strongly feel it is very important a child should feel wanted and loved by both it's parents where possible.

Most of my friends didn't really decide; they just got pregnent...

For as long as I can remember I've just known that I wanted children. It never occurred to me that there might be an alternative lifestyle.

I met my husband when I was 16 and he was 21. We married 5 years later. A couple of years after that, we decided to start trying. To be honest, we hadn't ever really been trying to prevent it either. We never took precautions; perhaps a sort of rhythm method, no contraceptives. We've never had the 'do you want children?' discussion, because I think there was just an assumption, by both of us, that we did. We decided to start trying when our finances were good, but had I got pregnant before then, it would have been fine too.

However, nothing happened (explains all those years of taking risks and no 'accident'). In the end, it took 8 years, 4 shots at IUI and a successful shot at IVF before I finally became pregnant. I know it was the right thing for us.

We had wanted one more child, but it's not to be. I was quite mournful when we were given the news that it was unlikely to happen again, but I've moved on. My daughter says that she doesn't want any siblings, so that's a bonus. It's not how I had envisaged things for us, but it's good.

I used to assume that I'd get married and have kids. But I think that was largely the "american dream" I was sold in my youth.

I did get married... and fairly rapidly got divorced as well. it was brief, and for me, traumatic around my identity and my view of the world. So much so that for a while I just had to agree with myself that kids weren't an option, at least not then. It did eventually cost me a long term relationship, but that's where I was at the time. (All long before much of anyone knew much of anything about autism).

I've since done a lot of self work and I'm ready for kids again. But I'm 50 now, (well, in a few days), and it's even more difficult now to find suitable partners for that project. I haven't given up. But it's looking more and more like I'll need to create an unconventional solution if I want to make it happen.

I've never, even for one second of my life, wanted children. The idea of someone being dependent on me horrifies me, I can't even take care of myself all that well. I'm 53 now and have no regrets at all – if it were possible for me to have children now, I still wouldn't want any. Women who don't want children are probably in the minority, but there are some of us out there all the same.

i cant think of anything more horrific to me than being a parent. i use all of my energy and attention getting myself through the day in one piece and i cant every imagine shareing my living space with enyone ever. pluss when i hear a screaming baby i have to leave imediatly and get as far away as possible.

Geez, I wish I knew myself. My parents had me when they were 18 and 19 and my Mom told me when I was growing up not to make the same mistake she did, so I feel I should not become a parent until I'm sure I want to be one and can handle it. At the same time, though, I'm not really sure anyone is ever really prepared for parenthood, per se, even if they think they are.

My last long-term relationship ended because he really wanted kids and I was unsure. Now the guy I have been dating adamantly does not want kids and I am still unsure. I feel I'm never going to be able to commit to any relationship, unless I can get this figured out.

I can not stand babies in even the slightest bit. They scream, mess themselves, scream, whine, scream, and everybody expects me to find their oily squirming drooling stench-ridden nonsense adorable when they look at me from across a room. I hate babies.

However, I love kids. My sister's kids are absolutely awesome for the most part. The youngest is still in her bratty "I'm the baby" screaming phase even though she's 6. But I have a lot of fun with them and we're always out in the yard playing games or making up adventures in the house. And then my sister comes rushing in and sweeps them off to church, or to their rooms because she doesn't like them playing too much, or calls them away when they are watching me play a game because she loathes video games and doesn't want their brains to rot. This is all very much her right, of course.

But it makes me sad to know that when I die, that's it. My named bloodline ends at me. My family's last name ends with me. I have no brothers, male cousins, or uncles. Generations of people were born with this last name and blood line, and it all ends with me. They all managed to find a way to continue on, and it stops because I'm socially incompetent.

That may be my drive to want to have kids, but I'm aware it's a pretty awful one. So no real loss.