Undiagnosed with marriage trouble

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I'm 30 years old and becoming convinced I most likely have asperger's. I'm horrible at reading any but the most overt emotional displays, get overwhelmed not being able to process group social situations and I score pretty high on the web based tests i find. It would explain a lot, like why my wife went crazy trying to pick up on me at the store I worked when she met me. She had to try repeatedly til she asked for my MySpace and I began taking the initiative.

We've been together 3 years now and she's really had an impact on me, but now things are falling apart and I don't know if I can put it back together. She says we're too disconnected emotionally and don't go out enough. It hits her double hard when she talks about these things and divorce and I have no discernable emotional response, inside I'm being ripped apart but she can't see it.

I've never talked to anyone about my suspicions regarding AS and I'm not sure if coming out would even help, as I've told her during one of these talks I've never been good at expressing my emotions and she responded "then maybe I made a mistake".

I'm really confused on how to move this into a better direction and feeling pretty desperate to save my marriage. I'd appreciate any insight or advice anyone can give.

You sound kind of like my BF. It takes a lot of working togetehr to get past this. You HAVE to tell you that you have AS so that she can understand. I was ready to break up with my BF because he was also the same way and sometimes ignored me or wasn't affectionate. But he told me his condition, and then I had to decide if I was willing to stay and work it out with him. DO NOT WAIT FOR THIS PROBLEM TO GO AWAY; IT WON'T! You have to tell her and tell her seriously, if it helps tell her through online chat. Once I knew he did feel and I couldn't see it, I worked with him. If I feel like I am not getting enough affection, I just make the initiative because he will forget or won't know what I want unless I clearly state it. I understand him more now that I know. Also, she is complaining that you guys don't go out. Ok, an easy thing is to MAKE AN EFFORT; SHOW HER THAT YOU ARE WILLING TO DO AN EFFORT TO MAKE HER HAPPY.

Take her out to see a movie, go take a walk followed by coffee, cook togther, have some meaningful sex. And do not forget to tell her you love her. My Bf did not say anything when I first dumped him, but he later told me he suffered so much and I gave him another chance, now that he knows I need him to show emotion, he does. You have to tell her that you do not want her to leave, tell her you need her! If you say this and it still doesn't work, then at least you tried.

33 here and just found out I probably am full-fledged aspie yesterday. Actually, in the xth argument about much like what you described, I yelled "because Aspergers!" at her, she looked it up on wikipedia, and then burst into tears. She then made me read it, and despite knowing I had some of the Asperger syndromes (but who hasn't? I used to say), it turns out I have a lot (90%) of them. We still have to work this out but knowing what you're dealing with is half the battle, I guess.

What Evy7 says sounds recognisable, too, that's what I've been told a lot of times. Yet it's not as easy. Every day from work to home I come by a flower stall. Every day I think "I should buy her flowers she really loves it when I do that", and every day I make up another excuse so I don't have to stop and talk to someone I don't know.

This post is entirely out of whack and I apologize. Will try to edit it back to sanity. She has bipolar w/o meds and I think my robotic tendencies give me an advantage with her highs and lows. She really balances me with a lot of spontaneity and randomness while adoring my deep interests in so many strange things. I usually think to pick her up her favorite candy when I'm out, to the extent I had to stop because it's gotten stockpiled. I always try to make dinner on my days off and try to send her off with breakfast if I manage to wake up early enough. I make what I think are real shows of affection to her also. I tell her I love her often, but I don't think the way I say it has much meaning to her. I love to cuddle with her, but she hasn't seemed receptive to it lately.

It seems even as close as I think we are I still miss out on a lot of her cues and contexts. Things hit a bad low when she asked "how did this happen", I guess in the context of our disconnect and I asked "how did what happen?" She complains about our not going out which I'm not opposed to but I have a lot of difficulty planning an enjoyable night out, even though I know she's not asking for much. When she takes initiative it seems I unconsciously obstruct despite being willing and usually enjoying our time out.

I've taken a lot of online AS tests and they always point towards AS. I've picked into the Ashley Sanford book and a lot of the men referenced seem a bit worse off than I do, though I think compensating has a bit to do with that. The book also seems to focus a lot on what the NT wife has to do to adapt but I think I need to make some adaptations myself and I don't know what or how. My wife also has issues with blaming herself for nearly everything so I'm not sure if offering this book would sound more like "here's what you're doing wrong" rather than being a way to cope with my 'eccentricities.' I can live with being friendless, and I can live with never getting into a better industry if I have to but I can't live with divorce and losing this amazing person who makes me feel genuinely loved, nurtured, admired and actually human.

Oh, things went a lot better last night, but I still haven't had the nerve to broach the subject just yet.

Def look into couples therapy, and some therapy for yourself. IMO, I wouldn't go for a diagnosis, that's time you could be better spent working on the issues at hand.