lost and considering ending things..

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well, i'm not around here very often. i found WP the last time i was at my breaking point, in 2006. i'm there again, but this time i'm not seeing a way out.

the 'culture' at my work is changing and i have to conform and do things that have always been impossible for me, or go. i'm not the most employable of people. i did worse than poorly in school. i have no formal DX, and no idea of where to start.

during and after 'class' at work on thurs. i had a almost complete meltdown. i spent the rest of my day going over all the things i have to clean up prior to ending my life. my thoughts got a bit better by the end of the day, but i still keep cycling back to that.

i know. i'm in the US. i'm not starving. i don't have to worry about some warlord, etc....

honestly, i think i'd be better off mentally if i did. i wouldn't be having my life hinge on the catty bullies at work.. at least i'd know my place in the world..

Last edited by wolfchik on 26 Aug 2012, 6:57 am, edited 1 time in total.

Think about whats going on with you. You obviously dont want to kill yourself that badly because you wouldnt feel the need to 'clean up' prior to doing so. Use your aspergian traits to step back from yourself and see things in black and white, without the feelings getting in the way. Identify your problems and work on their solutions.

I suck at this but just so you know, the world needs more of you, not less <3

-says drunk chick who says if you come to Florida I'll find some way to prove to you that you are SOOOO worth it. I rule at logic and given enough time I rock at persuasion.

I suppose it's easy for one to get the impression they are trapped in their current job, however this isn't really the case. When it comes to changing jobs or careers, most individuals, NTs included, fear the unknowns that come with the risk of change.

Here is a list of clinicians who might be able to help you:
http://www.aspergers.com/asplist.html

If I were you, I would start looking for another job if you are so unhappy at your current place of employment. You would have an advantage over other applicant as you are currently employed and companies seem to prefer employed applicants to unemployed applicants.

your last line in the post included the phrase "my place in the world". and that hit me really strangely/strongly as i read it. just early yesterday, a song from the past popped open in my mind. the song is 'A Place in the World' by Mary Chapin Carpenter.

it had come to me because someone just before played a song i had never heard and it reminded me of a feeling i used to have when listening to 'A Place ...'

so Saturday morning, i had put it on a music thread here in WP. here's a link to that posting..
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postp4866035.html#4866035

pretty strange that i would see those words again in a few hours... strange enough to make me drop a line to you here.

maybe not for you, but music has helped me a lot. you can use music you like or look into new genres. a friend of mine has been introducing me to stuff that has really taken away some dark edges in my life. not something i can exactly thank her for... but it has done a lot of good.

i feel strongly that this chance connection is part of our life system flowing just below the surface of our existence all the time. i can sense they are there, if i just pay more attention and then do the right action with them.

there will be really smart people replying here at WP with great pratical ideas for you. consider them! pick and choose the logic that can work for you.

work and many people and life problems will always have suckage potential - you have to deal with them/work thru and around them.

so... i'm just an outdated medicine man telling you to stay tuned to the cool stuff in this voyage... at 30something you got a lot of track ahead, keep your mindeyes open and enjoy the ride.

wodakodah... walk in harmony girl

I'm sorry that I responded when I was drunk, that's always embarrassing...

Regardless, I actually meant it. If you meet me in Daytona Beach for an evening, I'll find us a couch to crash, we'll take a hike or hit the beach, and/or we'll partake in whatever recreational 'medicine' you enjoy, and if you let me I'll discover something truly amazing about you that the world simply cannot do without.

People often suck. Work often sucks. Sometimes life just sucks in general. Sometimes life has to suck REALLY FRAKKING HARD to get me to make a change - maybe you can use this point in your world where life sucks monkey balls to make a change you didn't even know you needed to / could make.

I've been thinking a lot about that lately. Seems people seem to think that if you're not in danger or you haven't suffered a big loss in life or something you have no right to be feeling miserable.

Like that 'first world problems' BS. "People in the world are starving or worse, so whatever you're dealing with get the f**k over it".



it's not always that simple.

Well said! I like you

I just noticed this post...there isnt any replies from the original poster, is she ok? I really think we need to make sure she is ok and didnt feel like she was blown off. There are many warning signs in this post...it seems many didnt see them very well? Im very worried.
there are obvious cries for help here.

I have been kinda worried too, but she was online here yesterday so I am hopeful that since she knows to reach out, she would if it gets dire. Unfortunately I'm crap at stuff like this, so all I can do is fret. If you're around, wolfchik, you're always more than welcome to PM me. I can't ever offer much, but all of it's yours.

How have things been, Wolf?
Did you manage to figure anything out?

Please don't do anything rash. Suicide is often described as a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Obviously, I know nothing about your situation, but perhaps there is another division that you can transfer to or as others have suggested, try looking for another job. Change can be scary, but if things are as bad as you describe, it could hardly be worse.

My own example might give you some hope. It isn't as severe, but it is somewhat similar: After a major change at work, I was very unhappy. The projects were awful and run by idiots and I was doing a bunch of stuff that I didn't want to do. I didn't consider suicide, but I did consider keeping a whiskey bottle in my desk. I looked around and found another group that looked interesting. After doing a small job for them, I found that it was a perfect fit. I started working for them full time and have been about as happy as it is possible to be at work ever since.

I wish you luck and hope that this blows over soon.

Mike

Well, a "She Wants Revenge" fan can't have it all that bad.

Funny thing about suicide: that too, is something you must be motivated for.

Therefore, a compromise. How about just not doing it?

What could be worse, finding out what happens later? I bet it will be more interesting.


The world does suck. So take revenge on it - stick around. There is nothing left to lose.

Why do we get so caught up in our 'work'?
I sit in front of a computer for 8 hours a day and keep grocery stores from losing their computers.
But that isn't me. I'm the charming, confident person who talks to the people at the grocery store as if they were an old friend.
I'm not much of a computer geek, as the young guys at work always remind me.
But that's what I do for a living.
I'd rather sell my photography and jewelry.
Or work as a curator at a museum.
If you lose your job, you don't lose your 'self'.

Wolfchik, hope you're okay.
Phone a suicide helpline if you still have those feelings.
It does get better, you know that from your last period of desperation. I'm sorry you're feeling so bad.

Actually if you do a suicide prevention course they will teach you that ''tidying up your personal affairs'' is a warning sign.



Wolfchik- I can totally understand how much work can get you down. I have been in your position in your old job and also in my new job. When you feel like you're failing at work it makes you think that you will never ''succeed'' in life. However I do highly recommend looking for a new line of work. Especially while you're still employed. It will improve your chances of getting a job, especially if you've been there some time. Work is not worth getting yourself down over, there is a strong element of ''it's them'' so don't entirely blame yourself. While I still get down about my new job, it was soooo much worse at my old job, and in this job I at least have some glimmer of hope.
Try not to obsess over your work, it's probably actually not nearly as bad as you think.


And be sure to reach out to people when you're feeling down