need advise...scared and now alone and so confused

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I am jumping in here fast...just praying I will get some good advice.

I am almost 50 years old and female. My husband went to work 8 months ago. He kissed me goodbye and said I love you. Then he went to work and died.

I have never been on my own. I have trouble understanding this death. He dies over and over because I don't always understand he isn't at work. Then I remember he is dead and I cry alot. Then life distracts me and I forget for awhile and do okay.

I need help...but don't know what help. All I can say is I need help. When I was 3 years old a doctor told my parents I had autism. My dad said that he took me home and for a whole week spent 15 minutes a day trying to get me to look at him. He said I never did respond to him and he said that I was a stuck up little brat. He said I didn't have autism and I was just a little snob. My mom said I acted different because I wanted to be like my baby brother and so I was babyish.
I didn't speak much or at all. Was told I had autism but my parents say no I don't. And they are scary. And also it says to honor your mother and father and I have to make sure I don't look weird.
Now I try to live alone. And I miss my husband at times a whole lot. He would leave notes and lists. He would go to the store and he did almost everything.
Now I am breaking. I have a job and it is getting very hard to function. I call the doctor yesterday to say help. The lady wanted to know why I wanted to see the doctor. I didn't have the words why. And I told her I didn't have any words but I want to see the doctor. I could only repeat " I want to see the doctor". But they wouldn't schedule me cause I gave no reason. My brain was way too scrambled for words. And I had not prepared ahead of time to say anything else. So I hung up and got frustrated.

But I worry and wonder how long I will keep this job. I always could leave and changed jobs a lot. My husband was the money maker...my money was extra and nice when I was able to work.

I read the posts here today and it seems diagnosis is not easy and bad people are psychologists. And I don't care about the diagnosis. I just still am stuck with I need help.

I can type much better than speak verbally. So the odds of me getting help are going to be in this place where typing is the way to talk.
I am saying a lot and yet even in typing today... I can't seem to get words.
Hoping someone understands...I need help. I can't seem to get to next level of words to say or type.
Can anyone hear? I would appreciate it if you read and understand this. I am not understanding too many things. Afraid I will be locked away somewhere. Like living in a house...just need help.
Not anti social...just don't know how to talk to people. Friends are not understanding me as I keep saying I need help. They just ask with what. I think I have the wrong words. Does anyone have this problem and how do I get right words to explain so I can have help?

I will start by saying that I am very sorry to hear about your loss. I can't imagine how you must be feeling.

I keep rewriting my response because I don't want to make it too complicated for you. I know you are having a rough time and I do not want to add to that.

Call your doctors office back. Before you do get out a pen and paper and write these things down - this way they can't ask you questions that will trip you up:

I would like to make an appointment with the doctor so I can discuss some health concerns I am having since the passing of my husband.

I would like to make an appointment for (afternoon, late afternoon or morning, whatever your preference is write it down - if none in your time preference is available state your next preferred time)

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If you successfully make your appointment you should find some good reference sites about autism/aspergers that can do your talking for you. Print out the pages so that if you can not find your words during an appointment, you can hand him the papers. That is how I introduced it to my doctor - I apologized and said I sometimes don't explain things well so I printed out some things I am concerned about. This way he didn't assume I thought he didn't know anything about it - I used it as a tool for me to make myself clear.

I had printed out a symptom list from a site and highlighted points I wanted to make especially sure he knew I wanted those specifically addressed. We then were able to talk about those areas and I was prepared in advance for it.

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If you get emotional.... remember you are still adjusting to the loss of your husband... and you are allowed to be emotional. Even if he reacts in a bad way... YOU ARE ALLOWED to feel how you are feeling. No one has right to make you feel bad for your emotions. For your concerns... or for your issues. Everybody needs help once in awhile.. even those hard nosed doctors! So please keep that in mind while talking to people.


Please know you are not alone... that many of us here (including me) understand your fears and your struggles. We are here to listen, offer advice and to just plain offer support when our own words fail us.

I also communicate best via text... Please keep your head up and know you are in my thoughts. Keep us posted ok.

**virtual hugs** (The best kind in my opinion )

The loss of a spouse is devastating. Are you comfortable writing down that you need help with anxiety attacks following the loss of your husband and handing it to the receptionist? Then writing down your thoughts for the counsellor? Traditional grief counselling may require too much talking and sharing out loud, but I don't know for sure.

I don't know your background and can only offer what calms me down in 24-hour spaces of time. I write letters to God and then shred them because I am paranoid about people reading them. I write down my anger, fear, confusion, etc. It helps me work out short-term solutions until I have hope again to realize mid-term and long-term life changes. It has become my morning habit and keeps my mind from going in a tail spin.

I have also developed a nasty codependency habit over the years (I'm not saying this is the case with you!), and I'm emerging out of that through though the help of codependents anonymous. I prefer the online version to going to meetings. They help me venture out and do tiny things for myself that are out of my comfort zone but never out of my safety zone.

I will keep you in my daily prayers.

okay....I think I got one other thing now with words. Thank you for responding.

I look weird when I get emotional. I am afraid they will lock me up if they see me.
After he died, I tried to leave work one day. The police came and everything. I don't exactly know what looks strange...but I know that I look different because they wanted to lock me up. A friend came and rescued me and I am so glad. They allowed me to go as long as she stayed with me.
So I am afraid to look emotional or get emotional. This is a problem because I stuff till I break. And then I stay locked in my house and do my things that calm me until I get strong enough to control the outward appearances and to be functional mentally.

I do give them writings when I go...they usually don't read them which is frustrating. They sit there holding my paper asking me quesitons and I say..."it is in there" and point to the paper. But so far they have not worked with me...yet I keep trying and if I see the doctor....will do that again.
I have held a job for 8 straight years which is a record. I always work...but usually crashed and would quit between 1 and 2 years. I would always be able to get another job in a month or 2...but times are changing and that won't happen anymore.

I am on year 3 of this job. And I love the job. The boss is tricky and scary and not very nice. This is the hard part. I work extra hard to look normal.
Yet no one seems to know how hard it is to lose a husband after a 27 year marriage. I only had 2 weeks off when he died. And I went back to work.
I did get intermittent FMLA because I used up all my sick days. But when I get emotions....my mind just leaves. And that is something that I have not been able to fix or change in all these years of trying.
And my emotions may come out in spinning circles or whatever pops out. Later on after I calm down I am able to realize, "uh -oh" ...but it is too late....I have already screwed up. My boss does not like that. She wants to put me in a hospital.

I know I am rambling...hoping that I can clarify what I am needing eventually. No point in going anywhere till I figure out what I need help with.

And for me talk therapy is torture. I am a mover. And after 2 sessions with a grief counselor...she discharged me. I think I ran out of the room because I just forgot myself after sitting there for an hour. I ran because I was thinking this should be done. And I have difficulty remembering to tell others what I am thinking. And so I thought that...and ran out of the room and out the door. And as I ran circles in the parking lot...I realized I goofed and I just said it is cold outside. And this lady just thought I was nuts.
I am not crazy...tho at times I appear to look crazy. I am not stupid...yet times like this week I have mostly times that I can't verbalize or even get my thoughts correct.
Yet I know that stress causes my things to flare out more obviously. And I am not able to have the strenght to hide so many things.
I hurt and miss my husband. And have to do things I never had to do before. And hold down a job. And look normal. and wonder why looking normal has to be so hard. And wonder when normal will just come for me so nobody will lock me away if I look different.
Okay...this writing is helping. These are big problems and they are real problems. And maybe it is all of these things. Just so many things at once. And when life was calm I still would break at the smallest changes. Now I have nothing but huge changes. Maybe there is no hope or help for me. Maybe I just got to pack up my car and run.
I just don't have enough in me to know rationally and safely what to do. I really don't want this...I am responsible typically. I just can't seem to do all this without the help of my husband.
I don't know... I think I am so afraid because when people see me with emotions....I don't look like others.
And that is my first obstacle....what do I do? I have never looked normal with emotions. I laugh at funerals...not cause I think they are funny....so I never understood it. I was so happy I did not laugh once at my husbands funeral. I was the most normal ever on that day. I just screamed and cried like everyone else. I ran and hid...but that was okay...no one caught me doing that.

Hi, hope you're still here. So sorry about your husband. I came onto this site today because my closest life friend died six months ago and I am going bonkers with lonely sadness today. Meanwhile, I hope not everyone thinks you are strange when they should know that you are grieving. Now, if you are wondering whether you have some form of autism, it migt help to find out so that ignorant people stop considering you weird or crazy. I don't know where you live, but possibly contacting a group you find online could get you a referral to some experts closer to you?

Wow...I am really so sorry you lost your friend. I know that sad and lonely feeling. I keep worrying I will lose my friend since my husband died. Nothing can replace a person in your life that knows you and accepts you and loves you.

I truly thank everyone that made a response. Each time I wrote a piece it helped me move on to the next thought. So I finally became unstuck.

I can think clear again. I just needed some peices out of my head to get some clarity. I could tell I wasn't even saying things that made much sense...yet the urge to get something out was so strong.

I am deeply grateful for that you did respond because I was hanging by a thread and not even able to understand what I needed.

But I think I just need to know that I will not be locked up because I am being misunderstood by people that have not seen someone like me.

So maybe it didn't matter before if I was diagnosed. My husband made sure I was okay. But now for the first time...I have to be able to learn how to fight for myself. And if I keep being stubborn about fighting to be normal...and not accepting of what I most likely have....then I will always be at risk for being considered crazy...and getting locked up.

I know what I need now. I need someone to tell me that I am autistic....or if not....tell me what is wrong with me. I need to know sot that I can explain to others so that they don't misunderstand me...or that even if they do, I can get help explaining that my difference is not crazy...it is just the way I am. And I am fine...just maybe sad and stressed...but not crazy.

I don't know why posting has helped so much....but it did. And I can't thatnk you enough. The kind words were hugs to my heart. No one called me crazy and that meant a lot. So I continued to fight my scattered thoughts...and at least I am clear.

NOw that I see the problem...I have to figure out a solution. I hope that will be an easier step. I will try to find experts close to me...hoping there are some. But so glad to be out of the fog.
Thanks again everyone....so so much.

I am sorry for your loss. And I think eight months ago is the very recent past.

I am self-diagnosed being on the Asperger's-Autism Spectrum, and I am comfortable being so. I think it is a personal choice whether a person chooses self-diagnosis or pursues something more formal.

As far as reducing the chances of being thought crazy and getting (temporarily) locked up, we have had a couple of discussions about keeping an autism card in your wallet, maybe immediately behind your driver's license.

"I AM ON THE AUTISM SPECTRUM.

"I have sensory and processing issues.

"I may not understand your questions.

"I may not be able to answer right away."
.
.
"If I need help please call __________ "

Here's a link to a previous discussion if it helps
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postxf204974-0-45.html

I am sorry to hear about your loss. It is double devastating to loos the person who helped you keep a "normal" facade.

I do not know if you can use any of the things that I write, take what you can and ignore the rest - English is only my second language so I am not as eloquent as the native speakers.

I do understand where you are coming from, my husband through the last 18 years left med about one year ago. It has taken me almost this whole year to realize how abusive (emotionally) he was. I know it is not the same - but he left me at a extremely unfortunate time (for me).

It took me at least half a year to deal with sorrow, and I still sometimes miss him (or the man I thought I had). It is difficult suddenly to handle all the daily stuff on your own. I am forcing my self to be more social than I "naturally" would, because I know it is good for me to see people and not isolate my self.

Take a look at "meltdowns" if you are not familiar with them, it might actually be meltdowns you are suffering from when being emotional. If it is meltdowns you need to learn how to recognize when and why they are coming, that can help you handle them.

Can you get a friend to walk with you to the doctor, somebody who understands autism and aspergers? or maybe it is possible to ask at the local autism help center (I do not know what it is called in your country). Somebody who can talk for you - NT people can be very ignorant about aspergers, also doctors.

If you can get a diagnosis it would probably be a good idea (easier to explain, possibilities for some types of help etc.) there are lots of advice around WP on how to get through a diagnosis. I got my own diagnosis this year, by a psychiatrist specializing in autism. He was very skeptical at first (I guess I look pretty "normal") but was not in doubt at all after a short while.

I am having huge difficulties keeping my job (and I am only working 2/3 time). I started the job just after my ex. left and a lot of difficulties emerged eg. I have to drive 1 hour each way to get to my job, I have never had to drive to any job before and have never driven much. I am finding out that when I am driving 1 hour I need another hour just to "handle" the driving afterwards (not a very good explanation, it is something with being overwhelmed by all the impressions that I have to process when driving). What I am trying to say is that you need to find your own strengths and weaknesses - it is important if you want to survive alone.

I am having difficulties with dealing with paperwork (he did all the paperwork), phoning people, and generally getting things done (there are lots of other issues influencing my ability to do this, but it is still a problem for me to get the cleaning done). I guess that I have to make some routines and lists.

I think the autism card is a good idea.

Get help! - from friends, family, autism centre, WP, doctors, church or what ever works for you.

Yes, there must be some place to help... again, no idea where you are but GRASP in New York City, AANE in Boston, etc. migt know... I think there are links on their web sites or even phone numbers for consultation (aane.org, grasp.org)... autismhangout.com, etc.. There are even services throug them that help out, such as with paperwork...

By the way, hi! and thanks for YOUR kind words. Often writing is a learning experience and helps sort things out in our brains... Hope you are hanging in there.

I'm so very sorry about what you're going through. I'm also very bad with words so I often don't have my needs met. There are plenty of kind people here who will try to help you out and if I can sort out my own thoughts enough to think of suggestions, I'll definitely post them for you.

You're not alone.

I am sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how difficult this is for you. I understand how some people really don't get it.

I wonder if maybe you could check into online counseling. I have been thinking about it myself, since although I do not have major issues with talking, I feel more safe typing.

Thanks for some ideas. I forgot about the post until tonight and I checked and was really surprised by more replies.

My friend and my sister called the doctor office. It turned out I didn't get in trouble for not talking! Yay!! That felt good!
All the office people have to take a training class now so that they won't do anything like that again to me or anyone else.

My friend and sister let me know it wasn't good of the lady to not schedule me.
By the time this all worked out...I didn't want to see the doctor anyway since now I am afraid of the lady on the phone. People tell me not to be afraid...but she was a scary lady. But hopefully she will be nicer.

Maybe something in my pocket is a good idea. I don't carry wallets or pocketbooks because I hate the feel of a strap on my shoulder. But I keep a license and wallet in the trunk of my car...so if I am driving that would be good.

I will have to think of words to write on the paper if I need help.

And to the "helles" person. I want to say I am sorry you are struggling so much too. Phones are a nightmare. I hope you get help for things you will need too.

Because of this day...friends have tried to find help for me. But no one in my area seems to do anything but children. Each call they made, the place or person would give them another place to try. And all these weeks later...there doesn't seem to be anyone.

So bascially....I just know from that day (I posted this topic) ...I have to be careful. And meltdowns are exactly what I have. I got better over the years and have less intense ones. But I still have things that make me look different. And I have to be careful not to get caught...or to have a card with names and numbers of people to call if I get picked up.

I never heard of online counseling. I am curious and will check that out.
Also want to check out the discussions on keeping an autism card in my pocket after typing this. Though I can't say that since the doctor that told my parents that is probably dead and I don't know his name. And I sure can't find anyone today to help me. and I wonder if it will cause problems if I am diagnosed. I just didn't have to deal with all these things.
I had a professor in college call me after I graduated and told me she thought I had autism. Again...this was before autism was known. I still have her email. We keep in touch with an email every few years.
Maybe it is time to email her. I thought she was crazy for thinking I had it when she told me since I didn't know much about it. I was polite to her...but wondered why she thought something like that.

I know more...lots more today. So I am understanding more why she said that. And understanding that I would probably by the definition of autism...be considered autistic. But I want to look on other posts to see if anyone talks about being diagnosed. I think I saw some topics on that and will check them out.
Thanks everyone for your responses. They help me with ideas and it is cool to see nice words said to me.

Hi dunno,

First I wanted to let you know how sorry I am to hear of your loss. I have never been married, so I can only imagine how hard it must have been to go through sudden aloneness.

I also wanted to let you know that I think you are a very strong person because you are learning so much In such a short period of time. All while having to deal with a level of emotional complexities that would have me stymied.

I wanted to also let you know that I was formally diagnosed this year and that my aunt for some time had tout that I had social communication issues. Mine only improved because my family acknowledged my problems without really having had a diagnosis. And I was forced into learning how to do conversations (I did not enjoy it at the time but am so grateful).

My point is, that since I had a diagnosis, I got recommended help for my executive functioning issues. And for social things too. One of these days I would like to meet someone who is interested in me long term, even if it just to become a solid friend. I have three but none live remotely near me.

I hope the best for you.

Where are you located, OP? Town and state. Maybe we can help find local resources. A support group or even just other WP members.