Young, Attractive & 'Society'.. with Crippling ASD??

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Where do we fit in??? I would like to hear from other Aspies like me who share these similar traits and trials... any advice???

My mother used to be a model,
I think I am attractive enough.
My family is rich and my mother is famous.
Yet, same as you, I have a bad case of ASD (not yet officially diagnosed, but I really truly believe it is impossible for them not to see it now)

We might have it easier being pretty,
sometimes,
but at another times I know it sucks so much you see others like you being
pampered, loved, successful..
and you can just watch it.
Because ASD does not let you cross the wall to there where they are.

The way I deal with it is,
I am trying to realize the impermanence of things: fame, beauty, relationships, money..even own body.
And I am trying to transcend my existence.
For spiritual purposes ASD is rather an advantage.
And I like miracles, too.

It's like being born rich. One less excuse to feel depressed. I mean it's better than being an autistic midget with cauliflower ear (the excuse that I currently use for not talking to anyone) in the physical attractiveness department. It gives people an incentive to at least try to get to know you. However you also need to be extra-vigilant for ones who merely try to take advantage of you. (Personally I feel I am a very easy target for opportunists because of an inability to "see" intent.) So every cloud has a silver lining, but it is sill a cloud about to rain on you.

Yes they are out there but I don't think the opportunists are as much trouble as people think for me or for my mom when she was younger. It seems like that would be an incentive for people to try to get to know me, usually being the best looking person in the room, yet it doesn't seem to work out that way.

Like for example my mom has AS and when she was in her early twenties she was 5'11" and more gorgeous than me, and she was society as a kid, but she couldn't get a boyfriend just like I can't!! ! I'm definitly not rich, just have class, but I find it surprising that someone like my mom who looked like a supermodel wouldn't be able to find a boyfriend but my sister who is NT has had way too many of them (my sister is really gorgeous but not like my mom was)

Even at my last job I really opened up to everyone and made myself really connect w/ people, I was approachable, but all of those ugly, underclass NTs preferred each other for some reason and still I was left out?? They talk talk talk ... like they just "chomp at the bit" (as my mom puts it) and nothing they talk about is important or logical but I still stand there anyway and pretend to be interested.. all of that effort and still nothing to show for it

My question: what do they want, anyway??? If not beauty or class or intelligence... then what? Why do they prefer each other even if all of them are unsuccessful and why do they just talk about their unimportant lives all of the time as if that is all that matters in the world? Like the fact they went to Wal Mart yesterday is more important than current events?

The thing is there's such a thing as "too beautiful". Some guys can get intimidated by extremely-good looks. Add in intelligence to that, which seems to be a common view among NTs about AS sufferers with no mental impairment (the absent-minded professor), and most people would call you "out of their league". Or just plain "uptight" and "boring" sometimes comes into the picture a lot. This is the guy in me talking. The thing is, you have to learn to "dumb it down". You have to learn to "fake it" for these people. Otherwise they will just see you as pretentious. Or an alien. It's not lying, it's being civil. That's just how society works.

hmm... that is a lot to take in but I do really want to understand ( I eventually do need to get a boyfriend!!) So if they want to talk a/b how they went to WalMart or McDonalds yesterday just pretend that I talk a/b that kind of thing too??

I'm not like you - I don't have looks, money or class.

But I know that those who do have all 3 of those things are held up to a much higher standard. They are expected to be perfect.
If you are all that and have something like ASD - because it's not a visibly obvious condition and they can't see it, they expect you to be perfect and you won't be given the same amount of leniency that they would with normal people - it's a lot more pressure in social terms.

so many good points! A/b finding a half way decent boyfriend and a/b the extra social pressure when I feel like I "should" be the one everyone kind of "looks to" in a social situation but then I turn out to be such a disappointment to other people, and then another person has to take the lead b/c I couldn't.

Even though I can look at someone and point out twenty flaws in them instantly, no matter what they are going to be much better socially than I am so I just instantly cower. Not fair

But I really stand firm w/ what I commented a/b Aspies being proud of their differences, sure of themselves, and expecting others to accept their differences as much as we are expected to accept NT differences. It kind of makes me sick to hear how so many with ASD on here brag a/b how they can "pass for NT just fine" and everyone saying how much they want to learn how to act NT better, or learn how to "cure" themselves, or how much they wish they were NT... no, learning how to function in a neurotypical world is not the same thing as wanting to BE neurotypical

I can relate. I'm a guy, though. I have NVLD/ASD, and I've been told numerous times I'm good looking, and people have even suggested I try modelling. That and people think I'm "smart" too, but the curse of NVLD is your actual abilities do not match how smart you are, but because people perceive you as smart, they expect a lot out of you.

I think to other people, on first glance, they see me as someone, well, that they'd aspire to be like. Who's got a great hand of genetic cards. But then after talking to me for 5 minutes, they're like "oh, wtf, something is off here." Also, in my case, too, I sometimes appear shy, but then other times am very outgoing, and will just talk to like any random stranger in front of me. So it confuses people. Then, I wear preppy clothes, and have sorta "nerdy" interests, another point of confusion.

I can't give advice really, but it's one of the curses of ASD. You can be otherwise qualified, and seemingly for unknown/trivial reasons, you'll be dropped down a bunch of levels. From what people tell me, I should be like, a movie star who goes to MIT and works for NASA and writes for the New York Times, but in real life, I'm an unemployed loser who lifts weights and goes ice skating everyday. I feel like ASD, unless you're damned lucky/skilled, pretty much puts you to a lower "lot in life." Many people see ASD, and see the giftedness that comes with it, both in skills and sometimes arguably in looks, and put high expectations on you, because a few other people with ASD succeeded. It's tough to argue with people your chance of becoming the next Speilberg or Einstein is the same probability that they have of it. And they won't listen when you tell them that something like, say, driving to a new place, is incredibly hard for you.

I don't know what I'm trying to say, but I feel like being good looking and having ASD is it's own set of challenges.

you brought up so many good points and I can totally relate. Like about when they think "oh what the f**k something is off here" .. on my last job a young attractive twenty something was training me for just about twenty minutes( it was her specialty so they made me go to her for it) anyway she was totally accepting of me onto or even above her "level" until she told me to do something myself. I completely lost confidence and backed down, and her expression toward me changed 100%. Like from that point on she felt sorry for me and talked to me like I was ret*d!! !

a/b how you said you confuse people b/c you are shy one minute and outgoing the next. I am the exact same way and people get taken back by that a lot. And when I say something kind of random out of nowhere.. it catches people off guard I know. It just takes so much energy to actually have to think a/b anything before I say it so I just end up being the person who never ever talks.. but then when I open my mouth something stupid always comes out and no one looks up to me anymore. And yeah about clothes, I wear all designer stuff which matches everything about me; looks, flirtiness, class, charm.. except it doesn't match how I sound like a five year old every time I open my mouth

You are right that being attractive w/ ASD does have its own unique set of challenges. But its nice to be looked up to sometimes.. at least for the first five minutes. I am unemployed too, I feel like a loser too, I am smart but no genius either, I hate driving no places also.. but at least we are good looking and I think that counts for a whole lot more.

If there was an actual cure I'd probably do it. It's called a disability for a reason, no matter how much one tries to sugar-coat it. I have an inefficient memory, a disorganized brain, and skills that are usually inappropriate for where I am in the current state of the world. Good looking? I really do not know if I am, because I lack the ability to tell if the people who told me are lying. But I do know that nobody really thinks a guy who is as tall as a 10 year-old girl is attractive. I've held jobs, and that is the only place where people look up to me. They seem to see me as Yoda; I'm weird and tiny and I walk and talk all funny and I usually stay away from everyone on the weekends, but once I start fighting I seem to lose all the awkwardness, and I actually say stuff that makes sense once one is able to "translate" it.

I'm also a foreigner, and I milk my autism. As a foreigner one is not really expected to fully understand all of society's practices, and oftentimes I make people explain stuff to me without being called "stupid" much. The whole "Was that wrong? Should I not have done that?" line from Seinfeld is an extensively-used line. I say and do a lot of inappropriate things, and most of the time people think it's funny because it is due more to naivete rather than ignorance.

I don't see myself as part of society. I'm in my late 20's and I never really pursued what society would call a "relationship" where you change your relationship status on Facebook. I thought the pursuit of it was something expected of you by society, and I didn't really think it applied to me. I don't see myself as a "loser" either, because you have to play the game in order to lose. I'm sure I would lose if I did, so I'd rather not. I talk to people not with the intention of getting to know them better, but just for the sake of talking. Everyone eventually stops replying anyway, as I have learned, so it's no use planning a prolonged interaction. I can converse with everyone by listening and nodding, and pretending to be interested in the things that are important to them. Asking questions and learning something new from everyone. It's not lying, it's being civil. (I cannot, however, converse with multiple people at the same time.)

It's a different world for us. We can either learn to play by their rules, or sit back and watch them play the game themselves.

I'm attractive and extremely obsessed by my appearance because I realised that it is for me the only way to attract people and to socialise .
Otherwise I would certainly be ignored . I'm too anxious to approach people and I'm certain if I was not good looking I would have been the eternal wallflower.

I'm handsome, at least that's what my mom tells me! lol
I've got some class, I dress nice most of the time.
I'm not rich. I live in poverty. My dad makes below poverty lvl income,
where as my mom (whom kicked me out age 16) worked her way from lower class to upper middle class in order to care for my wonderful little sister.
I'm highly intelligent, although I never finished school.
Didn't need it, the socializing was too much for me to focus.
I taught myself nearly everything I know.
At the same time I was quite the silver tongue devil in my day.
A trickster. Almost sociopathic to an extent.
I completely disappeared from all my childhood best friends.
When I did appear It was to use them for emotional support or, ahem, drugs.
Which I had a problem with for years.
Now I've gained the control to control myself.
And I'm alone. I haven't a real friend in the world.
All of my friends are on the computer.
Which admittedly I have quite a few close internet friends which I plan to meet some day.
I've never seen a close relationship with anyone outside my family.
My father is cold and distant like I am, and cares more about his hobbies and collections than socializing.
My mom is loving and caring, and has forgiven me numerous times for my mistakes.
The rest of my family ignores me and is usually afraid of me.
At least, I think. IDK
I'd take close friends, over my good looks and braininess any day.
I can create wonderful art and have a high inclination in tech.
But for what?

It is naivety for me too. I have always been sheltered to the extreme and I am still laughed at for all of the things I havn't experienced that others have but also I am grateful that I havn't experienced these things b/c they just seem like what trashy people do.. like I've never been to a party or tried drugs or alcohol.. anything like that. Of course I don't tell people that b/c they just laugh and think I'm wierd

I have had a few foriegner friends so I know exactly what you mean by hiding your understanding behind your foreigner status. They were all in the habit of pretending they don't understand things when in fact they probably understood more than I did (having ASD).

I am sure you're a great fighter b/c we Aspies are so dedicated to and good at the things we love to do. Like me riding horses (dressage), it is the only time I get so focused I forget to be anxious or afraid of people so every time I ride it is like a mini vacation, away from having AS and of course the horses don't know I am 'different' so they are very accepting

Really you are so lucky you can hold a job and even be looked up to at work! Work for me has always been just as bad as school was. You probably have it easier b/c as you said you actually like to talk to people, and that makes them accepting of you b/c you are able to connect.

But I disagree that we have to play be their rules or we cannot play at all. At my last job (it lasted a whole 6 weeks-something I am proud of but it was hard. I dropped down to 99 lbs and half of my hair fell out) But I found that the more I was myself people actually began accepting me and connecting with me. They had to! b/c if they didn't find a way to connect with me they would just be uncomfortable/ackward whenever I was around. Besides I am extremely 'lovable' -people love to love me (that HAS to be the only reason I wasn't fired by the second week!! ! : o

Regarding the dressage thing, I can relate, too. For me, that thing is figure skating. When I'm on the ice, other people might as well not exist. I mean, I've had social problems at my rink for sure, but still for the most part it is a refuge. When I skate, I'm not forced to talk to anyone. That and I can play my own music over the rink speakers. The best times at the rink, though, I've had public sessions where I was the only one on the ice, that's just heaven to me.

As far as liking talking to people, to me it just makes me more socially dumb. Skating is an example. I'd just go up to more experienced skaters and ask how to do stuff, when they didn't wanna be bothered. The worst case was I asked people when they were being coached at $80 an hour. So I'm outgoing but just make a dunce of myself and probably in other people's eyes I have the social skills of Peter Griffin or Phillip J Fry. That all being said, I've learned to skate from annoying others asking questions, so screw it.

I actually tell people that I don't drink or do drugs or eat McDonald's. There are a few who would try to get you to do it, but usually saying "no" 6'000 times works. (I think they have a feeling that you think you're better than everyone else because you're a "straight-edge" and they don't like that.) But usually they appreciate that because they have someone to drive them if ever they are going to get hammered-drunk for the night. Or they need someone to go on a diet with them or a workout partner.

As far as working though, I am currently not looked-up to at work. (In my last one I worked as an instructor at an MMA gym, so go figure.) Right now I am known as the underachiever. The guy who is "smart as hell, but pretends to be dumb". My attitude is like that of Peter from 'Office Space". I just barely get the job done, avoiding any extra effort as much as I can. People only look up to me here for my certain set of skills. Martial arts and a working knowledge of exercise physiology. They "look up" to me because they know that I would probably give them the fight of their life. You wouldn't want to mess with Yoda, but he isn't exactly in a current position that you would want to be in. They usually come to me when they have questions about how to become more physically fit, or sometimes when they have personal problems and they need my unique perspective on things.

I don't like talking to people just to talk, by the way. I only talk to people when there is something to talk about and there are ideas to exchange (like this discussion right here). But if it's a "how was your weekend", "let me tell you about my dream / how drunk I got last night" I just nod and pretend to be interested like I am supposed to. What I meant was I don't talk with the intention of getting to know someone better. I talk to exchange ideas with people that one time, and if I never see them again then it's fine. It's like one-night stands and meaningless sex, except it's conversation instead of coitus. Like I said in another post: a connection? Sad to say that will never happen. They accept me as the quirky acquaintance. A circus freak that you show your friends and family. A novelty item that you find in your journeys, but isn't really an important quest item.

Your job experience, to me, would be the exception rather than the rule. I would never know how you felt in that certain situation because I don't personally know how "connecting" feels like, but I know I've always had to be civil and "fake it" one way or the other. Normal, Neurotypicals do it all the time too, they can just do it a lot more naturally than Autistic people can. Society is all about compromise. The problem with me is I have a hard time compromising and changing my set ways.