Emotionally disconnected from elderly mom

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I seem to be the only Aspie in my family - well, my dad might have been but he's passed away. Mom is 88 and in pretty good health, still has all her marbles. I have three sisters, we range in age from 51 to 61. Anyway, I take after Dad, the rest of them take after Mom. I'm tall like Dad was, the rest are short. I've always felt like the odd one out, and that feeling has only increased over the years.

My sisters, especially two of them, are quite involved with Mom, even though one of them lives 3000 miles away (the other in the same town as Mom). I live over 600 miles away from Mom. I'm the only one who stayed in the part of the country where we all grew up. Mom and her wonderful second husband (RIP) did take off for warmer climes when I was in my early 20's so they were never really part of my adult years, nor were they a part of my children's growing up.

Mom is showing signs of needing more care now. She wants to age at home, reasonably so, but I'm not nearby to help her do this. Worse, I don't feel any compunction to be useful other than work very hard at making enough money to help her out that way. My two mom-involved sisters phone her every day! I can barely stand to phone her twice a month as I find that her conversation is boring, goes on waaaay too long (I've begged her to make the calls shorter and to say good-bye when I indicate I'm done, but she doesn't) and I don't feel connected to her in a way that would motivate me to want to talk. The sisters are begging family members to phone her more often. It makes me cringe. I've tried writing letters and emails to her, but she doesn't write back, maybe can't, I don't know.

I've explained to one sister that I feel disconnected from Mom but that's the only email she's never answered. I'm a literal thinker and the decades of separation, with nothing more than the disembodied voice, have made it difficult for me to want to spend time pretending I'm interested. I'm an honest Aspie - you know, tells the truth - so it's really hard for me to pretend to be wanting to talk with her or even visit her when I just don't.

Is there anyone out there who experiences the same thing? I want to be a good daughter, but asking me to have feelings for her is like asking me, a hetero female, to have a sexual attraction for another woman. I can imagine it and I certainly don't condemn it, but there's no way I can conjure it up.

I feel for you. It is so taboo to not be bonded to your mother. At least you know what you feel. Many people are unaware they are not bonded to a parent.

I don't like my mom and I have lost my connection with my father. I kind of feel guilty but what I really want to do is disappear and never talk to anybody that I currently know. I know it is selfish, but I don't have an emotional connection to anyone that I interact with. I don't want to try to build one either. I just interact with my family out of a sense of duty but I don't consider that love, just trying not to feel guilty, I guess.

So, no, you are not the only person who feels that way. You are also not the only person who feels bad for feeling that way.

You can't lie to yourself. You can't help how you feel. Your feeling of disconnection from your mother is not your fault (and it's not anything wrong). So you just do what you can and willing to, to help your mother in whatever way. After all, your mother is lucky to have two "involved" daughters who talk to her on the phone every day, one of whom lives within easy reach. You just happen to have a different kind of relationship with your mother. You shouldn't be forced to feel the same (impossible) or to do the same as your sisters do. And importantly you shouldn't feel guilty about it.

I really appreciate your replies! I'm starting to reformulate my expectations of my relationship with Mom. I am what I am, it is what it is, etc etc. And she's an adult who has had a lot of stuff to adjust to, and who continually is able. So that's a good thing. Sometimes just taking care of ourselves and being the best we can be is the best we can offer our parents.

Thanks again for the time you took to reply. It really helps and I don't feel so alone.

I kind of feel that way about my mom sometimes, and I live with her! But I think it's because we're just two very different people, and I think she doesn't always remember that. (For example, she's in her mid 60s, I'm almost 30 years younger, so we're NOT going to be into the same things all the time)

I also happened to think of a book that my psychologist recommended for me might be interesting to you: "Becoming Attached: First Relationships..." by Robert Karen.

I could be wrong but it seems your mother tries to get everything her way (disregards how long you want to talk on the phone, disregards letters and emails, although you've said she may not be able to write/email). Relationships should be 50-50. It just reminds me of my mother and your sisters remind me of my cousin. So, I am probably biased.

I don't feel connected to my mother, but then she has mental health problems. But I understand the not feeling connected thing.

The thing is though, your mother is a lonely old woman who can't get out and have a social life anymore. She needs people to talk to. Imagine how boring her life is trapped in her house by herself every day. What she needs is someone to listen to her. She might be boring, but as a human being the compassionate thing to do is to just listen to her if even she never says anything interesting. It will improve the quality of her life vastly.

How painful can a boring conversation once a week be for you? Just let her talk. She needs someone to talk to. Why don't you understand that?

Ok, I don't like talking on the phone either, but I let my Mum talk for as long as she wants to and tell me all the things she wants to say. It's not interesting for me, but I know that it makes her happy. Sometimes we have to put ourselves out for other people, or do things that we don't enjoy to make other people happy. As long as they are not causing us real physical pain (the kind that results in bleeding or bruising) or extreme emotional suffering then a half hour phone call every week won't kill us.

People do voluntary work with the elderly not because they find them super interesting, it's because they think, how would I feel if I was restricted by my age and health and couldn't get out and see other people? Would I want someone to take the time to talk and listen to me? Their ability to put themselves in the shoes of the lonely elderly person and understand things from their point of view motivates them to make that effort.

After kind of a sad, hard life my mom died unexpectedly at age 69. We didn't get along and didn't stay in contact much. When we did talk she rambled on about trivial (to me) and boring things. Later in my life I helped care for some children and only then realized the effort, the expense, the lack of free time, the patience, etc involved in raising children. So only then did I want to go back and be kinder to my mother and listen to her tell me about her life and her feelings. I wish I had just listened-not that we would have been really closer or had anything more in common, but just to be there, as support and thanks for her being a parent. My personal feelings really didn't matter-it wasn't her job to entertain me, enlighten me, or even emotionally support me at that stage in our lives.

Agreed. I used to visit an old woman who lived around the corner from me. She had alzheimer's and would tell me the same stories over and over again every time I saw her, but she seemed to enjoy my visits and that was the main thing.