I know I have Asperger's for one week now. My ex-partner wanted to kill himself last week because of depression. As is my nature, I researched the topic and started reading about personality disorders and then on to asperger/autism. I fit the bill. My ex and I had a semi-normal same-sex relationship for 10 years. 4 years ago we emigrated to another country. Since we came here, he has been unable to obtain employment. He did quite well where we came from, but I think the emotional impact of the move here, leaving his friends and family behind, must have been too much. He has been on anti-depressants all this time, but it does not seem to help. One year ago his parents came for a visit. It was hell, he was in an absolute horrible state. He was drunk most of the time and verbally abusive. One night he got very drunk and physically attacked me. He left and I phoned the police. They arrested him but I did not press any charges. I told him that he can still live with me, but that I do not want to be in a romantic relationship with him. When his parents left I moved into the second bedroom.
Last week he had a meltdown, got drunk and told me he wants to get back together with me. I said no and the he told me about the suicide intent. I phoned the crisis line and he is now attending workshops daily and seeing a psychiatrist. This is when I discovered my own problem. Every single event in my past, every fight, every time I felt anger, became clear. I realised that much of my ex's problems is my fault. I told him last week that we can try again to have a relationship, and told him also about my condition. Over the last week I had been very confused about myself. I had to try to understand my motivations and why I do the things I do. I now think I have been in this relationship for the wrong reasons, that I felt sorry for him, but that I do not really love him. I don't think I want to be with him for the rest of my life. This I said to him tonight, because I wanted to be honest. I feel terrible now, because he will now get even more depressed. It feels like all of this is my fault, and I just want to be alone.
17 Jan 2013, 3:55 am
