Is this reconciling?

Post Reply New Topic

Hi:
I recently had a beef with one of my siblings on Sunday when they recently discovered a letter that I wrote back in Oct on Facebook. They did not bother to read the letter that I wrote until 7 months later and I know they are on FB all the time as I see stuff posted.

1. They responded with a very angry and bitter tone in responding about how I was to never contact them again etc.

(I called my dad up and explained the situation while forwarding the message to him because of a situation that they are currently So he had spoken with they since they are close and she has lots of problems of her own.)

2. They apologized to me and said that they was hurt at what I said while realizing that I wrote that letter 7 months ago. Next they mentioned that since we just seemed to have too much to say that it was not a good idea for us to associate anymore because we were just going to bring the worst out in each other. Finally, they stated that she was going to re-block me on facebook since they did not want me contacting them anymore.

I wrote back and mentioned that I accepted ther apologies. I also mentioned:

1. It did seem like a good idea to me too and said that I would block them first since it takes 36 hours before you can block someone on FB after unblocking them.
2. They seemed to be fragile to speak with and it was like sawing into a nice butter dish everytime you corrected them
3. I mentioned writing fake letters to one another if we were going to get angry with one another
4. Suggested that they seek counseling because they can help them as to where I cannot
5. Let them know that they never seemed to listen to me and seemed to kick me when I was down by saying accusing me of always being :"The Victim."
6. I was open and honest about my situation with our dad
7. Mentioned that I felt like I have not been respected as a person by my sibling, my dad, and some extended family members

I then blocked her as promised since she wants to be left alone and I cannot just disrespect her wishes like that.

Do you think that was reconciling or still tip-toeing around each other? If not, what is reconciling with someone?

Technically, I think you could call it reconciling, but sadly it on the less positive side isn't it. I mean in wanting to reconcile with your family, one would hope to therefore have a satisfactory relationship. In this case, it sounds like you are agreeing not to have a relationship at all. So all in all a rather poor and sad reconciliation really. But sometimes, thats the best we have; just accepting that the situation sucks, and not exhasperating matters. Perhaps, in time things will change. People do tend to become more open minded and tolerant of differences as they get older. Some just remain stubburn and ignorant of course.

I don't have a great relationship with my youngest brother, but when we occasionally meet we are civil to each other for the sake of those around us, specifically family. I've waited for years for him to "grow up", but now nearing 40, I think it is just a personality clash, our experiences and consequently values are too different. So it may not get much better than this, which is a bit of a shame, although we have our own very seperate lives to get on with.

I still love my brother. Thank goodness for friends though

I take that back on the "Bringing the worst out in each other part." I-read what they said and they did not seem to admit that part. They just said that they felt like we have too much to say to each other and it's best that we do not contact on another.

I then read the whole message again and it basically said, "I don't want to be bitter, I don't want to be angry as life is too short."


Part of me feels like they don't want to admit that we are oil and water while continuing to blame me that the relationship is bad by saying what was said above. They did let me know that they still love me and always will but feels that we are just too much for each other. They also seemed to get the idea that I don't want them in my life anymore and that is not true.

I don't want to be around them because they have so many problems such as an untreated mental illness and then they are not responsible or mature. It's always someone else's fault but their own. If you call them out on something, they will blame their problem on someone or something else. They have always been like that too. They also seem to have a very controlling side which goes off whenever you act assertive with them. Then they will go into a tail spin and have a temper-tantrum with you.

Then I feel like my sibling, along with other members of my family who don't really seem to respect me as person and I am at the place in my life when I need to put my foot down and say, "Enough is enough." So it not just them but others too.

The other thing that made my blood boil is that they did not have the courtesy to write me back until 7 months later and just seemed to yell at me out of the blue. During their apology, they said in paraphrase"Yes I know it's been over 6 months since you wrote what you did but you hurt my feelings." That will not fly in my book I am sorry since that is one of the most manipulative ways to hurt someone.

Your family dynamics sound particularly complicated. I would consider some counselling, for yourself, to be able to discuss the situation objectively, with a professional. I've had counselling that has allowed me to reflect on my relationships, and while not fixing everything, it has enabled me to at least feel more accepting and understanding of things that otherwise can amount to quite a lot of confusing thought processes.
Also my family issues seem to pale in significance when I feel engaged in friendships. I now feel that whilst I can't choose my family, I'm happy just to know that they are alive and well somewhere, and in the meantime I shall look towards what I am doing in my life.

I have spoken to a few therapists about my family and they were both able to help me from two different angles. I liked the first therapist a lot but she is out of state now working for some other university counseling program. She was more of the listener type that I like.

The second one was who told me that it was time to let things go by writing fake letters to people who hurt me because she felt that I had too much time on my hands by talking about things from the past that I did not need to.

Actually, I am looking at going back to therapy for a while but I am not as mad at my family as I used to be. I am starting to let go and accept that my family is not going to change or accept certain things and that is fine.

In the meantime, I am seeking a support group with other members who have dealt with dysfunctional families so that I can relate to them. I chose to do that once I got that first letter from my sibling.

Good for you Summer_Twilight! "Onwards and Upwards".

The night before I found that half massed sorry of an excuse apology, I told myself, "Okay, I just want to get as far away from that day as I can. It's just going to tear me apart by thinking about it.

Now after writing that letter and blocking myself, I am telling myself the same thing that I want to get as far away from this day that I can.

They also seem to think that I am the one being bitter by not wanting them in my life and that is not true while they are bitter and blaming me for things. I don't care to be around that type of energy at all, period.

So, I am getting as far away from that letter as I can.