In-Law Trouble

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I'm really having a hard time this week. My husband and I just moved into our first house and we are excited that we will soon be able to have a garden and a dog. (We are both 30.) My FIL is tends to be negative about anything that isn't his idea. I cracked a few weeks ago when he was in one breath telling my husband over the phone..."no, no, no, you don't want to put a garden in or get a dog... Don't have a a dog in the house!!" (He may have meant it as advice, but I am an aspie and take things literally even when I shouldn't.) What has been building up for awhile came out and I said bluntly, "Not your dog. Not your yard. Not your house." My MIL called and told my husband the other day that my FIL is really upset and that they uninvited themselves from inviting themselves over last weekend and that I should really learn what thoughts to keep to myself and that my FIL was just trying to be helpful. My husband does not want to disclose that I'm on the spectrum to them because they will use it against me and not understand.

My husband called his father yesterday to try and smooth things over and it was like talking to a brick wall. All his father had to say was, "Well, you are the one who has to live with HER." "What does THAT mean!!?" "Take it however you want to..."

I've been misunderstood by someone many times in the past and then completely cut out of their lives. I understand that I am difficult to read and when I do express emotions it tends to come off a little too extreme. What I really just want is for my FIL to treat my husband and I like adults and not expect to be able to control every situation by voicing his opinion.

To make matters worse, my father-in-law owns the family business and everyone else in my husbands family works for him. Disagreeing with him is not really an option for them unless they want to create issues at work as well as at home so no one ever does.

I really hope that I really didn't just make life really difficult for my husband by alienating him from his parents and siblings.

I think one of the best things we ever did was set boundaries with our parents. Before we were even married we set some strong limits. It miffed most of them but I think they eventually saw that the best thing to do was let us make our own decisions. Being aspie I am sure that delivery of that information is never flawless - but it truly is the right way to go.

This goes double for the subject matter that they are upset about - I mean a dog and a garden are not exactly HUGE decisions. I am afraid that if you let them in on those kinds of decisions you'd be setting yourself up for all kinds of intrusions.

Unfortunately:

I think one of the best things we ever did was set boundaries with our parents. Before we were even married we set some strong limits. It miffed most of them but I think they eventually saw that the best thing to do was let us make our own decisions. Being aspie I am sure that delivery of that information is never flawless - but it truly is the right way to go.

This goes double for the subject matter that they are upset about - I mean a dog and a garden are not exactly HUGE decisions. I am afraid that if you let them in on those kinds of decisions you'd be setting yourself up for all kinds of intrusions.

Unfortunately:

Thank you. Lol, yes, I would personally agree with the spoiled jerk used to getting his way comment. He does have positive qualities, too, but I've been wondering for the last 4 years my mother in law handles it day in and day out.

I'm relieved that it isn't just me. Sometimes I don't know for sure.
I also wonder why he doesn't see that advice usually starts out with a disclaimer: "If it were me, I'd...." "In my experience...."

All I know is that my brother in law remarked that he'd caught wind of it at the office. So that is irritating since I'm sure when my FIL repeats the story that he leaves out the part where he was being a controlling and egotistical jerk... "I was giving him fatherly advice and she bit my head off."

I'm trying to let it all go now--something I am terrible at--and my husband and I are just going to let him mope for now. I certainly don't want it to go on until it's about how I'm raising kids or something actually important.

Pets are very expensive and require a lot of work and they do a lot of damage to a home.

No - you probably shouldn't have a dog until you can take care of yourself... You need some time to settle in and get used to having your own house and everything.

A garden can be productive - although it usually costs more to grow your own food then to buy it.
Ask me how I know!

Don't worry about the inlaws - once you get on your own two feet - it will all work out eventually..

There is always a period of readjustment after separation.

Maybe what they are suggesting is that you take things slow and take them one at a time and don't jump in with both feet all at once - else you might drowned in responsibility.