Hurtful relationship with parents

Post Reply New Topic

This issue is currently the bain of my life.

I am 36 live in the UK and was diagnosed with AS age 30. When I was diagnosed, it was a real shock. My parent's ran in to see the shrink and didn't even make eye contact with me or offer any comfort. They looked extremely anxious. Next thing I know, my diagnosis report mentions the fact i smoked weed at uni and this was the cause of my AS. Clearly a conversation was had between my shrink and my Dr to protect my dad's reputation. What a scam!! !!

My childhood, teenage years were extremely difficult as were yours, I am sure!

It's taken this long to come to terms with my late diagnosis and massively sympathise with others in similar situations.

My Dad is a Dr, my mother is a very proud woman. Her reputation and my fathers job meant that they decided to not tell me I had aspergers, even though I am 100% sure they knew.

I find this fact extremely hard to take. In fact it's been the source of endless abusive emails to them, they always choose not to address the subject, which is extremely damaging for me (and them?)

I don't think they even care enough to give me my truth that they stole from me. It's got to be child abuse of some sort right?

I've been in therapy recently which did help but I am still left with this awful situation and no relationship with my parents who just won't tell me what I want to hear.

Last time I saw my parents in winter 2013 they virtually admitted that they knew and my dad also semi admitted he also has it.

I pushed him down on his chair when it got tense, I had to stop myself hitting him. I was shouting "how long have you known"

Their silence was deafening.

Now I have decided that they aren't my parents, no decent parents would do this to their child. What complicates things more is my mum recently had cancer and 2 heart attacks but is in better health now, I think. If she dies without these issues being resolved it will mess me up even more.

I also suspect my brother, who clearly also has it, also knew about this situation and I was the only one kept in the dark.

My brother denies he has it, but his is clearly worse than mine, I see his social anxiety and have obviously known him all my life, I have seen how he has struggled with his interactions. Takes one to know one!

The hurt has improved since I closed my wounds a little by quitting therapy (they just milk and prolong your issues for money)

I have ended up rather bitter and cynical but also wise to people's evil agendas.

My girlfriend says to me, it's a wonder that I haven't turned out hateful

Well I am hateful of what's happened. I am comfortable being an aspie and think my alternate thinking gets me places others won't know and am hopeful for the future.

While I have no relationship with them, I do crave them to call me and admit they always knew, it just feels like it's never going to happen.

It must eat away at them, at least i hope it does. I refuse to be the one who breaks the radio silence after so many years of hurtful arguments, I feel that I am right to stand my ground and wait in hope.

I would love some advice from anyone in a similar situation. Being an aspie makes u think about suicide more I read. I don't want to go down this path after a failed attempt at my lowest low (losing jobs and girlfriends)

I am a happy and positive person in general but i guess this a challenge we have to deal with.

Peace out

Rick, London

Hi Rick,

I am in an opposite situation (sort of) in that I don't want to be in contact with my family and they are desperate to be in contact with me. Reading your post is just making me wonder, what do you think you will accomplish if they say they knew all along. You said yourself they all but admited it openly. The problem is you probably think you have some sort of right in this situation to something..you don't. You are an adult. Unless you can prove actual abuse took place and wish to see them tried in a court of law and are prepared to go through what that entails, I fail to see what it is you think you are due here.

Sorry, this doesn't sound very supportive, but I am just surprised that your reaction isn't one to want to get away as far as possible from these people but instead you want them to continue to be your parents, but in a way that suits you, not in the only way they showed themselves capable of being parents in your 36 years of life. In other words, your anger and hurt is understandable but your expectations of redress are unrealistic.

You have a girlfriend, so someone who cares about you, that's sooo much more than most people have. Your life was probably very comfortable compared with most people here. You can afford therapy. You say you are a happy and positive person in general and this is the only problem you have in your life - be grateful for it! Everyone has to have problems and if this is the worst of yours, you are incredibly lucky.

Finally. You said that your parents keep refusing to tell you what you want to hear. Perhaps you need to go back to therapy to help you come to terms with the fact that noone, not even our parents, are obliged to tell us what we want to hear at any point in our lives?

I wish you the best luck and hope you find a way to let the hurt and pain go and move on with your life.

Your message has both frustrated and annoyed me and I think you are putting your own agenda / emotions with your parents besides my issues which just confuses things and is rather unhelpful.

While I appreciate you have taken time out to speak your mind, I will take it with a massive pinch of salt. MY REPLIES IN CAPS (NOT SHOUTING)

Hi Rick,

I am in an opposite situation (sort of) in that I don't want to be in contact with my family and they are desperate to be in contact with me. Reading your post is just making me wonder, what do you think you will accomplish if they say they knew all along. You said yourself they all but admited it openly. The problem is you probably think you have some sort of right in this situation to something..you don't. You are an adult. Unless you can prove actual abuse took place and wish to see them tried in a court of law and are prepared to go through what that entails, I fail to see what it is you think you are due here.

YES YOU HAVE FAILED

Sorry, this doesn't sound very supportive, but I am just surprised that your reaction isn't one to want to get away as far as possible from these people but instead you want them to continue to be your parents, but in a way that suits you, not in the only way they showed themselves capable of being parents in your 36 years of life. In other words, your anger and hurt is understandable but your expectations of redress are unrealistic.

THEY ARE MY PARENTS, YES THEY MAY NOT DESERVE ME WANTING THEM BACK BUT IT'S NOT AS CLEAR CUT AS THAT, THEY ARE ALSO NICE PEOPLE AND DO GOOD FOR ME, THIS IS A HUGE ISSUE THAT HAS AFFECTED ME FOR YEARS AND WHILE MY EGO SAYS YOU ARE RIGHT, NEVER SPEAK TO THEM AGAIN, I CAN'T HELP LOVING THEM SO WOULD LOVE TO RESOLVE THIS. YOU DO NOT KNOW MY PARENTS SO PLS DON'T SAY THIS IS UNREALISTIC

You have a girlfriend, so someone who cares about you, that's sooo much more than most people have.
IT'S NOT ALL ITS DRESSED UP TO BE, WITH RELATIONSHIPS COMES PROBLEMS.

Your life was probably very comfortable compared with most people here.
BASED ON WHAT? DID YOU DO A SURVEY?

You can afford therapy.
PLS DONT DISCUSS MY FINANCES, THEY ARENT YOUR BUSINESS AND IT'S UTTERLY IRRELEVANT

You say you are a happy and positive person in general and this is the only problem you have in your life -
BELIEVE ME I HAVE LOTS MORE PROBLEMS THAN THIS, IT'S THE MAIN ONE THOUGH RIGHT NOW.

be grateful for it! Everyone has to have problems and if this is the worst of yours, you are incredibly lucky.
DONT PATRONISE ME PLS. GET OFF THAT HIGH HORSE OF YOURS, COMPARING YOURSELF TO ME AND JUDGING ME, YOU KNOW VERY LITTLE ABOUT ME.

Finally. You said that your parents keep refusing to tell you what you want to hear. Perhaps you need to go back to therapy to help you come to terms with the fact that noone, not even our parents, are obliged to tell us what we want to hear at any point in our lives?

AS MY PARENTS, I EXPECT TO KNOW THE TRUTH, IT'S WELL WITHIN MY RIGHTS TO TRY AND MANIPULATE THEM TO DISCLOSE THIS. PLS DONT TALK RUBBISH. IT'S ANNOYING

I wish you the best luck and hope you find a way to let the hurt and pain go and move on with your life.

I MAKE MY OWN LUCK BUT THANKS. I WAS HOPING SOMEONE ON HERE COULD OFFER SOME CONSOLATION OR ADVICE THAT MIGHT ACTUALLY HELP. YOU HAVE JUST WOUND ME UP AND WISHED YOU HADNT BOTHERED. ON YOUR WAY

Hi Rick,
As you know, it is nearly impossible to read someones true intentions or tone of voice when reading text in a box. The first time I read the reply from Leafplant, it hit me as being kind of harsh, but after reading your reply, I read it again, slowly, and I have to agree with some of what Leafplant said...

I showed my mother some printed material about Aspergers two years ago, she was 88. She looked at me like I was crazy - not for having Aspergers but for thinking I do! The look on her face was so obvious - for her to admit I had a "defect" was the equivalent of her admitting it was her "fault" and there was no way she was going to do that. Denial, in her mind, made it not true.
Sounds like your parents are doing the same thing?
Don't know what kind of Dr. your dad is, but I can imagine his fear of losing his practice if the public new he was "on the autistic spectrum." Don't you think? I'm sure your mom is just as afraid of losing her social standing and credibility in the community over this annoying fact.

Looking back, my father had Aspergers, though he was able to function very well despite it. His mother, on the other hand, I am told, only left the house to go to church on Sundays. To see her in photos, she looks like she is trying to turn in-side-out from social discomfort.

However, I CAN relate to having secrets kept.
I found out when I was about 12 that I had step-siblings. Kept it to myself. When I asked my mom about it 10 years later, she looked at me like she wanted to kill me and wouldn't talk to me for two weeks. Another 10 years passed and when I called her on Mother's Day, I was told by my father that my "brother" was visiting. Well, ever since then brother has been the Golden Child and I've treated like the red-headed step-child. This is part of why I am having trouble dealing with her death...
Where was Golden Child when mom had her stroke and then died six weeks later? At his home 1200 miles away with his wife and family. What hurts the most is that even for all I did for her, I KNOW she would have rather him be there holding her hand than me.

The moral of this story? I couldn't do a damn thing to change my mother before she died and I sure can't now... and you can't change your parents either.

I have a 38 year old daughter. We are not close. Why? She feels I made decisions that affected her in a negative way. Did I? Not in my mind. In my mind, every decision I made had her best interests at heart. Were they always right? Probably not, looking back now, but at the time I thought I was doing the right thing.

I can almost guarantee that your parents are no different.

Still, it hurts deeply, I know, to be deceived. You just have to find a way to deal with it and go on with your life as best you can.

End of sermon.




(Please don't chew my head off )

thanks MissQ

i think the previous generation are rather ignorant but for me it's no excuse.

Don't worry i won't bite your head off and I do know where Leafplant was coming from but it's hard to just let my parents off the hook because "they thought they were doing their best"

For me, putting your reputation before your childs welfare is a disgrace and should be punishable in court.

I personally feel that, like Leafplant, again that you are cross referencing my experience with your own challenges (which sound like they have been tough on you)

If I had a kid, I wouldn't care less about my social standing (what chance to Aspies even have with this anyway) I would ALWAYS put my childs needs first

My parents utterly sabotaged my life, they watch me struggle in primary school and endlessly punished my "bad behaviour" by locking me in the "bad boys porch" and neglected me with many other things, emotionally & physically bullying me to be more neurotypical.

They watched me get bullied throughout secondary school, did very little, i had to force my way out by telling everyone i was leaving which gave my parents no choice.

The 36 years of lies and deception have left the most bitter taste in my mouth and i refuse to accept that they "did their best" "didnt know any better" or whatever.

36 years of lies.

let me say that again

36 years of LIES LIES LIES from people who apparently were meant to have my best interests at heart during my formative years.

They still refuse to open up to me and answer my many questions.

It's hard to take these replies, i'll be honest, I think if you are a parent who has made some bad decisions and alienated your child as a consequence you are going to look at my situation differently.

Do either of you have Aspergers?

Life is hard enough, having Aspergers is almost impossible.

The world can be a cruel place and having vital information withheld made my life a disaster zone.

I can't tell you the amount of friendships / jobs / girlfriends i have lost from going around like a bear with a sore head.

I would have not tried to kill myself or been as depressed, or fought the world HALF AS MUCH as i would have if i had known who i was.

Please don't dare defend my parents, they only cared about themselves. I know them, i know how they have operated with smoke and mirrors and sabotaged, interfered and felt no shame doing so AT MY F*&kING EXPENSE!! !

An old friends dad once said "you are wrong and the world is right"

Not in this case, no way jose....

I AM RIGHT, society is a little b***h that needs it's ignorance to be manipulated out of it.

Rant over.

Time to take the gloves off...
(and I'm only quoting portions of your previous reply that I am responding to here)

I suggest going back to therapy. That is what psychotherapy is for (processing emotions). I went back to therapy a couple of years ago specifically because of my relationship with my mom. I am finding resolution of the feelings I have about my past and a lot of the insanity from my childhood has dissipated. Short of psychotherapy, find a support group for adult children (adults who are survivors of childhood abuse and/or neglect). You'll find other people who have worked through the feelings about being abused and they can tell you what worked for them, help you through the process.

Let me say something too. I hate my mom. I always have. I despise her. I also hate her family (notice I said her family, not my family). I have no intentions of forgiving them. I don't owe them forgiveness. I don't like them. I think they are bad people. With all this being said, I have processed this stuff enough that my bad childhood does not make me miserable all the time anymore. It is the past. It is something that happened but no longer exists. I am free, emotionally, to be the best person I can be today.

What does this have to do with your situation? You are waiting for an apology. Guess what? When they apologize, it still won't make it go away. The past cannot be changed. The scars cannot be removed.

I hope you get what I am saying. You don't have to like what happened, but you have to accept the fact that it happened if you ever want to have any peace. When I get all angry about my childhood abuse and neglect, I remind myself that it is the past and cannot be changed. I return my focus to the present moment. f**k getting lost in all those feelings again! It serves no purpose.

It seems like to me you are thinking about the past (obsessing about it) and having your feelings about it. Eventually, if you keep doing that, something inside you will click and you will be at peace with it. You will come to accept the facts that 1) Your parents were wrong. 2) It hurt you. 3) There is no justice in this situation, and 4) The things you lost because of their bad behavior cannot be restored. You'll get angry thinking about it from time to time but won't be full of the rage you have right now. Then you'll know the issue has been resolved.

Try not to hurt anybody during the process. If you feel like physically hurting your parents or being verbally abusive towards them, don't do it. Take out your anger in some other way. You'll regret being mean to your parents, no matter how poorly you think they treated you, because you love them.

MY REPLIES IN CAPS (AGAIN NOT SHOUTING)

Time to take the gloves off...
(and I'm only quoting portions of your previous reply that I am responding to here)

rickc77 wrote:

thanks MissQ

i think the previous generation are rather ignorant but for me it's no excuse.

I'm not even going to guess what you meant by this remark.

I MEANT EACH NEW GENERATION IS MORE CLUED UP THAN THE LAST DUE TO SCIENTIFIC AND SOCIAL DISCOVERIES / EVOLUTION. PRETTY STRAIGHT FORWARD STUFF.

Quote:

Don't worry i won't bite your head off and I do know where Leafplant was coming from but it's hard to just let my parents off the hook because "they thought they were doing their best"

For me, putting your reputation before your childs welfare is a disgrace and should be punishable in court.

Then keep them dangling on that hook for as long as you live - but keep in mind, you're not a child any more. Allowing past experiences to dictate present decisions and actions isn't a smart thing to do. You are an adult now and it is time for you to take responsibility for your life and to quit blaming your problems on what your parents did, or did not do 30 years ago.

1) WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT. SO IF A CHILD GETS RAPED THEY SHOULD JUST PICK THEMSELVES UP AND GET ON WITH IT? NOT SAYING I GOT RAPED (I DIDN'T) BUT YOUR ATTITUDE STINKS AND IS REDICULOUS
2) THIS CRAPPY PARENTAL BEHAVIOUR HAS LASTED FOR 36 YRS, CHOOSING MY BIRTHYEAR AS A REFERENCE POINT IS SPIN
3) I BLAME THESE SPECIFIC PROBLEMS ON MY PARENTS, FOR WHICH THEY ARE CLEARLY RESPONSIBLE,
4) RESPECT SOCIAL BOUNDARIES MATEY, YOU ARE BEING RATHER IGNORANT OH DEAR. GO AWAY. YOU DON'T HAVE A CLUE
5) WHY SHOULD I TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR OTHERS' ACTIONS? WHY ARE YOU SO COLD AND UNSYMPATHETIC. YOU'RE BEING NASTY TO ME FOR NO REASON. IT'S RATHER HURTFUL. I DO HAVE FEELINGS YOU KNOW, JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN'T HANDLE YOUR OWN / BRUSH THEM UNDER THE CARPET OR DON'T HAVE ANY, DOESN'T MEAN THIS SHOULD APPLY TO THE NEXT GENERATION!! !

Quote:

I personally feel that, like Leafplant, again that you are cross referencing my experience with your own challenges (which sound like they have been tough on you)

Yes, how else could I show that I can relate to your experience?? If I had no understanding of your problem, I would be totally unqualified to offer assistance, wouldn't I??

AND WHAT ASSISTANCE IS IT THAT YOU OFFER? SO FAR ALL YOU HAVE DONE IS APPLY YOUR OWN ISSUES TO MINE AND BEEN UNSYMPATHETIC. HOW IS THIS HELPFUL? YOU ARE CLEARLY DELUDED.

Quote:

If I had a kid, I wouldn't care less about my social standing (what chance to Aspies even have with this anyway) I would ALWAYS put my childs needs first.

Yeah, well, get back to us on that after you have kids, and they grow up to criticize your parenting abilities.

THIS IS THE SORT OF LAME RETORT I WOULD EXPECT FROM THE PREVIOUS GENERATION WHO EXCUSE THEMSELVES OF THEIR SEVERE PARENTING ERRORS BECAUSE THEY ARE IGNORANT AND LAZY

As far as "what chance to Aspies even have with this anyway (social standing)" ... pffft! you'd be surprised. Heck all you have to do is read some of the replies from others on this forum to see that, despite having Aspergers, some have accomplished quite a lot- good jobs, good friends, and family, outstanding members of society.

I HAVE A JOB & FRIENDS, I STILL SUFFER WITH ASPERGERS SYMPTOMS, MOST OF THE PEOPLE ON THIS FORUM CLEARLY STRUGGLE MASSIVELY WITH DAY TO DAY LIFE, BUT FEEL FREE TO HIGHLIGHT THE MINORITY SO THAT YOU CAN EXPRESS YOUR OBNOXIOUS POINT OF VIEW

OUTSTANDING MEMBERS OF SOCIETY? - WELL THAT'S SUBJECTIVE / MATTER OF OPINION FOR A START. DO THESE PEOPLE STILL SUFFER WITH EXTREME ANXIETY AND HAVE MANY ISSUES THAT N.T'.S DONT? YES OF COURSE THEY DO.
THERE ARE QUALITIES I LOVE ABOUT A.S. - SUCH AS HAVING ONE SPECIALIST SUBJECT AND ENDLESS ANALYSIS / CREATIVITY - I AM NOT DISCUSSING THAT HERE THOUGH. I WILL UTTERLY DISCOUNT WHAT YOU HAVE SPOUTED.

Quote:

My parents utterly sabotaged my life, they watch me struggle in primary school and endlessly punished my "bad behaviour" by locking me in the "bad boys porch" and neglected me with many other things, emotionally & physically bullying me to be more neurotypical.

They watched me get bullied throughout secondary school, did very little, i had to force my way out by telling everyone i was leaving which gave my parents no choice.

Boo hoo, you had a hard time in school

YOU'RE ARE NOT THE NICEST PERSON IN THE WORLD ARE YOU? YOU LACK EMPATHY AND ARE BEING EVIL, SO ACCORDING TO YOU, WE ALL SUFFERED AT SCHOOL AND WE SHOULD GET OVER IT REGARDLESS?. I USED TO GET SEVERE BEATINGS REGULARLY FOR NOT FITTING IN, IT DAMAGED ME. IF YOU WERE MY SHRINK YOU WOULD SAY SO WHAT, GET A HELMET? WOW.

- just like everyone else. So you misbehaved like any other kid and was occasionally punished. Bad parents!! for trying to treat you like a normal kid. What would you have preferred - to sit in the special class and take the little bus to school?

NO I WOULD HAVE PREFERRED TO HAVE HAD CARING PARENTS WHO PUT THEIR REPUTATION AFTER MY BASIC WELFARE. (ASKING TOO MUCH?)
I WOULD HAVE PREFERRED PARENTS WHO DIDN'T SABOTAGE MY ENTIRE LIFE TO DATE
I WOULD HAVE PREFERRED KNOWING WHO I WAS
I WOULD HAVE PREFERRED BEING TOLD THE TRUTH

WOW YOU ARE BEING A REAL PAIN HERE, WHY EVEN BOTHER REPLYING IF THIS IS ALL YOU HAVE TO OFFER. YOUR OPINION IS UTTER DRIVEL YOU DON'T HAVE A CLUE WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT

YOU THINK ALL KIDS HAD THE EXACT SAME TREATMENT, GET OVER IT? WOW THAT'S PRETTY HARSH. I HAVE TO SAY I FIND YOUR VIEWS EXTREME

Quote:

The 36 years of lies and deception have left the most bitter taste in my mouth and i refuse to accept that they "did their best" "didnt know any better" or whatever.

36 years of lies.

let me say that again

36 years of LIES LIES LIES from people who apparently were meant to have my best interests at heart during my formative years.

Got it - 36 YEARS OF LIES LIES LIES

LOL, YOU REALLY ARE HORRID

Quote:

Do either of you have Aspergers?

Life is hard enough, having Aspergers is almost impossible.

The world can be a cruel place and having vital information withheld made my life a disaster zone.

I can't tell you the amount of friendships / jobs / girlfriends i have lost from going around like a bear with a sore head.

I would have not tried to kill myself or been as depressed, or fought the world HALF AS MUCH as i would have if i had known who i was.

Please don't dare defend my parents, they only cared about themselves. I know them, i know how they have operated with smoke and mirrors and sabotaged, interfered and felt no shame doing so AT MY F*&kING EXPENSE!! !

I believe I have Aspergers, as of yet, undiagnosed.

SO GET DIAGNOSED, YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO LOOK AFTER YOURSELF? QUIT YOUR TOXIC NONSENSE.

And let me tell you something, son, living 56 years with Aspergers hasn't been easy.

SON? ......PLS DON'T PATRONISE ME, YOU THINK YOUR OLD FASHIONED VIEWS ARE WELCOME HERE OR THEY ARE MORE VALID THAN MINE BECAUSEI AM YOUNGER? GET REAL OLD MAN. SORT YOUR LIFE OUT AND DON'T TAKE YOUR ISSUES OUT ON ME. IN MY OPINION YOU ARE ONE TWISTED & DAMAGED PERSON

Do you think you are the only person on the planet that has had it rough??
NO NOT AT ALL, WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT....ENOUGH OF YOUR CLICHES

THAT'S WHY I JOINED A WEBSITE TO SPEAK HONESTLY ABOUT MY PROBLEMS, TO BOND WITH SIMILAR PEOPLE I DON'T GET TO MEET IN REAL LIFE, NOT TO HAVE SOME TWISTED DAMAGED GRANDPA SLATING ME WHEN I OPEN MY HEART ABOUT MY PERSONAL PROBLEMS

Quit blaming your parents, cut the cord, and start acting your age.

WHY SHOULD I QUIT BLAMING MY PARENTS? BECAUSE YOU SCREWED YOUR CHILDREN OVER AND YOU DON'T TAKE RESPONSIBILITY? YOU THINK AFTER ONE FORUM POST YOU KNOW MY ENTIRE LIFE STORY? YOU JUMP TO WRONG CONCLUSIONS AND SPOUT YOUR IGNORANCE AT WILL? TELL YOU WHAT PLS DO NOT COMMENT ON THIS VERY PERSONAL THREAD. YOU JUST IRRITATE ME AND HAVE NOTHING CONSTRUCTIVE TO SAY WHATSOEVER, HOW ABOUT YOU APOLOGISE TO YOUR KIDS FOR ALL THE HORRIFIC THINGS YOU HAVE DONE TO THEM!! - SEE IT'S NOT NICE TO HAVE ME JUDGE YOU & COME TO CONCLUSIONS OVER ONE COMMENT YOU MADE. YOU'RE OUT OF TOUCH

Quote:

An old friends dad once said "you are wrong and the world is right"

Not in this case, no way jose....

I AM RIGHT, society is a little b***h that needs it's ignorance to be manipulated out of it.

Rant over.

Again... not a clue what this means, but I don't like the implications.

SO IF YOU DON'T HAVE A CLUE WHAT THIS MEANS THEN WHY CREATE PARANOID IMPLICATIONS, YOU PROBABLY THINK THIS SONG IS ABOUT YOU DON'T YOU?

I'll be on my way now.

NOW HERE'S A PROPER REPLY...Em_tSuj

.THIS IS WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT, A KIND CONSIDERED REPSONSE FULL OF WISDOM AND NON-JUDGEMENTAL COMMENTS MY REPLIES IN CAPS BELOW

Hi, I hope you don't mind me giving my opinion on "hating" parents? I totally understand the feeling you have. I grew up in a household totally dominated by my dad's controlling nature. Everything had to be done his way, the "right" way. He was an alcoholic and smoked non-stop around me and my brother. I "hated" him for many years, but managed to at least start to "understand" him before he died a couple of months ago from his substance abuses combined. I always loved him, he was my dad, and I managed to make some good memories with him before the end.

I'm not trying to give you the "your parents aren't around forever" speech, but just want to let you know that I only started to see positive results in my relationship with my dad when I actively tried to understand him. I thought about his childhood and what might have led him to depressive states (I now think he had AS but I still had an archaic, mainstream view of what it is. I hadn't researched far enough into the roots of his hoarding traits yet). I know your parents have probably done some of the horrible things you think, but have you considered that from seeing their horrible behaviour over the years, you have assumed that their intentions in not discussing mental health disorders were also bad. They have obviously seen and heard so many bad things about autism that they cant accept you WANT them to talk about the "diagnosis thing". They are ready-wired to see your passion for those answers as "part of the problem". I have just realised this in my own family's reaction to my self-diagnosis recently.

I believe people are always half "good" and half "bad". It is the law of nature that everything has to be balanced in energy. They love you and they really are TRYING to help, but their energies are just been focused in a completely different way to how they "should" be. You could work on your relationship in general, build some understanding on both sides before approaching the issue again. You have to GIVE to eventually get.

Talk calmly and non-threateningly whenever you hint at your diagnosis issue, as they will automatically wont want to admit or talk about it- they have very bad experiences of when they opened up a little in the past, after all! Let them know that you are willing to accept that they have their own reasons/point of view, but that you are willing to put that aside so they can let you know why they thought you may have AS as a child. I know the feeling of your parents denying something they said or did, when you have such clear memories of it, and obsessing about a moment in my childhood, but I have to accept that there's a chance they don't actually remember- people can completely shut off from the bad things they've done, and what seemed like a big deal to you may have been just "that quack doctor who said our child had THIS horrible disease" in 1992. Try not to accuse them, but put it as "The way i remember it...", "It would help me if" or "At the time, I thought...". Always keep the long term goal in your mind when you're talking to them.

Anyway, however you do it I hope you manage to get through to them in some way and find out what happened. Try not to think that'll make you feel better. Families will always have massive underlying problems to solve and you can't solve them all. Relationships are about overcoming problems, some just take a lot more energy, because some people are just difficult!

Rick, regarding your parents/family, just out of curiosity how would they react if you let all this BS regarding who has AS, who knew, and for how long etc... go to the wayside and let bygones be bygones. If they choose to not recognize and respect your efforts, then just move on - it sounds like they may be a wee bit more upset concerning your smoking choices

Also, I would tell my parents (which I have) that their rep. in the community is already disregarded or they would not be so concerned about 'keeping up appearances'- Jesus, you are their son and they should come to grips and know they raised an independent, intelligent, diligent son. You are your own person and they should love you unconditionally. If your parents are not able to do this, it is their loss, not yours.

A bit of advise from a 7 yr aspie and how he handles his frustrations with the indignant and unjust behaviors of others; 'just take a big, giant dump.... and flush it' .

Good luck - please remember that you can only control yourself, your emotions, your behaviors, your choices; what others/family/community choose to think, feel, act etc... is not your responsibility and if their choices effect you negatively- flush em!

Shannon

Hey Eleanor (guessing this is your name?)

I liked your reply a lot. You are very mature if you don't mind me saying. Allow me to reply below in CAPS