I would like some advice on co-habitating

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I would like older or more experienced aspies (or NTs who live with them) who have been living with (or not living with) a long term SO.

I am looking at buying a 3+BR house this winter, and potentially asking my BF if he might want to consider thinking about maybe potentially moving in with me (I like doing everything no-pressure in relationships, hence all the modifiers ) Although personally I don't mind the independent living accommodations, I kinda feel like that might be the thing to do, as long as we handle it carefully (also it's very non-critical right now, since we've only been together about a year, and I find that to be somewhat rushed, so I wouldn't make the offer immediately)

I have some problems which I consider pretty major, and has kept me firm to the thought that I should not live with anyone (I lived with my last BF, it was absolutely miserable, and not just because he was an A-hole)

I have *major* issues keeping my place clean. I always have. I simply have better things to do then scrub the floor or pick up my dirty clothes. I have been trying to get better with this, but my current living situation really hampers it. I got a 2BR apartment thinking it would be more then spacious enough, but my mom passed, and I inherited all her stuff, which is enough to fill a 4BR house. I've gotten rid of a lot of what I could, reasonably, and want to have a garage sale to get rid of much more of it, but currently can't, so I currently have nowhere to put things, no counter space in the kitchen, and I can't even enter my spare room more then a foot because there's simply no more space.

I have looked into hiring a maid for the once-a-week jobs (cleaning bathroom and kitchen, mostly), but I really don't like this idea because it doesn't encourage personal responsibility (and I can't afford it right now anyway)

Until my vacuum broke (and when I fix it this week, I'll be back to that) I was using it daily, because I have birds and cats, and they are messy. That I don't mind terribly (although when I move, I will have hardwood floors put in for exactly that reason) but getting around to shampooing the carpet almost never happens (takes too long, even though I have some koolaid stains -my cats like knocking things over- so no matter what, it looks like crap)

I let my dishes pile up in the sink until I can't use the faucet anymore, then I do them (have a very small counter top dishwasher, because I'd leave them even longer before I got one)

I clean the toilet when I notice it's gross, same with sinks.

I loose things *constantly* no matter how clean my place is, and end up ripping everything apart trying to find it.

I wait until I run out of clothes to do laundry, which generally means I've long-since run out of pants and undies. I have 2 closets that are pretty well full of clothes, but that includes weather-specific clothing, and I never seem to be motivated enough to hang things back up.

All of these are potential deal-breakers, because the BF is something of a neat-freak, and I don't want him to feel like I'm not contributing equally (which is a HUGE thing for me; I hate having meals paid for, even, because it's unequal, and I'd actually prefer being the one to put out more money, simply so I don't feel there could be any way to see it as me taking advantage)

It's bad enough that I won't let him in my apartment if I didn't expect him over (and so had a chance to clean) because I am humiliated with my personal standards..

I also have pretty intense needs for alone-time, which he fortunately understands, and keeps visitation with me at a few days a week. Since I want so big a house (ideally, I'd like a 4BR 2 bath that already needs remodeling) and he is so understanding about my needs, I feel this could be worked out, but I'm wondering id this arrangement would potentially lead to feelings of being neglected (such as I have a room he cannot enter, and my own bathroom, he has the same, and if either of us are in "our room" the other doesn't bother unless it's important or through non-verbal communication, such as txting, because that's honestly what I need sometimes)

Again, this is all hypothetical right now, I just want to be able to prepare, and I'd especially like any advice about changing my habits (for cleanliness) before we get to that point, so I can show him that, yes, I can be responsible with my own space.

I have found a room mate to be a great resource for cleaning. Mine really brings out the whip if I'm not keeping things up to her standards.

I think the alone time could be accomplished by using one of the bedrooms as a study.

why do you ask us not him? These are exactly issues you should deal together.
It doesn't matter what people say or think - he matters.
But since he is a man, expect him needing his own untouchable place/room too

Better safe than sorry, ey?

On a more serious note, it seems you need to change too much out of your comfort zone if you move in together at this point in time. I suggest you try to move closer to his expectations before you try living together. Work on keeping the house clean, clothes washed, plates in the cupboard, etc. If you try it out now, you will know how much you hate it, or you will know you'll be able to keep up with it.

However, I know a woman who is in her 60s now, and for 15 years she has been together with man about the same age, and they have not yet lived together, they are too different, like it seems you two are aswell. You don't HAVE TO live together, even if thats the norm.

I'm sorry about the loss of your mother.

About your living conditions - do you find you are keeping her things as memories? Have you seen the tv show "Hoarders"? It's been tremendously helpful to me. Keep the memories in your mind, not in her things.

Good job in getting rid of a lot of stuff already. You said you can't have a garage sale yet. I know that would bring in money, but how much is it costing you (mentally and physically) to keep things you don't need? What about calling the Salvation Army or some charity to pick up the unwanted items?

You moved into a 2-bedroom to have enough space for your things. Ideally, you need to pare down to few enough things to live comfortably in a 1-bedroom. (This doesn't limit you to living in a 1-bedroom.)

I've lived through what you are going through. I've had a too messy house, too many things, no motivation to clean. Start with this book:
Organizing from the Inside Out by Julie Morgenstern. That's where I started. It's been a while, but I've evolved to keeping a very clean house. Before I was extremely messy.....

You don't need to move into a 3 or 4 bedroom house to accommodate your "things" it just makes the problem worse. Same with getting a maid, it wouldn't fix the problem.

As far as letting the SO move in....if it were me, I'd work on getting rid of things and wanting to be more clean. Only then would it be a good idea to try letting him move in....Right now I see huge issues since he's a neat freak, even if you each have your own room.

Best wishes, and you can do this! I know because I did, and I never thought it possible.

Hmmmm . . . I agree with much of what Bookworm said, regarding hoarding and such. Are you holding onto the stuff out of an inability to let go of Mom? It seems that, much like work (which tends to expand or contract to fill the time allotted to it), holding on to "stuff" could do the same thing. Now you have a 2-bedroom full of stuff. If you get a 3 or 4-bedroom place, you may end up filling that, too. Consider that if you already have trouble keeping your place neat, more stuff isn't going to make that easier. If you really need the money, then save some of the "stuff" that has actual value for a garage sale. Otherwise, donate or throw away the other stuff. Your memories and your love for your mother can still stay with you--they don't need any rooms.

That said, if you have certain limitations with regard to your ability to keep things tidy, maybe you could re-frame your ideas of "personal responsibility". That honestly sounds like someone else's script you might have inherited---like, you have to do it all yourself, and if you simply can't, then you aren't a responsible person. If you have the means to hire a cleaning person (maybe even just once, for a thorough cleaning after you get rid of all that stuff that's laying around), then you are being responsible by hiring one and getting the job done that way. Give yourself a break, for crying out loud. Ask a friend or relative for some help, if you need it to sort through stuff and get rid of it. You don't have to do it all yourself.

In my relationship (with an Aspie) we don't try to hammer square pegs into round holes in the name of equality---we each have certain strengths and weaknesses, so we "balance" things according to that, rather than according to a scale. Things won't always be "equal", and that's OK. I think in relationships they seldom are. People who really love each other and want to make relationships work don't keep score. (Let him buy dinner if he wants, too. You are worthy of receiving from others as well as giving. Don't spoil his opportunity to be giving to the woman he cares about. You'll have your turn to be giving in some other way or some other time, right?) My partner's executive functioning is poor in many ways, and he struggles like you do, with keeping his environs neat and clean, losing things, etc. But luckily, I'm good at that. He's good at other things that I'm not good at, so he takes care of those. These are the kinds of negotiations (spoken and unspoken) that long-term couples must do. You can do it, too. It might be difficult, but can you say to your BF, when the time feels right, just what you've said here? Lay it all out, and he can accept or reject it, or you can come up with a compromise. If talking about it openly doesn't work, there's slim chance that *not* talking about it openly would have been more effective. Accept yourself as you are, and give him the chance to do the same. If he doesn't, his loss. If he does, maybe his tendency to be neat and tidy will be helpful to you both.

Good luck with all of it.

It sounds like you've thought through the potential problems, and decided it's still worth-while to you, to live with your SO. You're also thinking about some of the things you would need from him in order to feel safe and happy. (texting, brilliant!) Make sure that he has a chance to put the same amount of thought into it. It's going to take compromises, including some that probably don't completely satisfy both of you. But if he ends up doing all the housework he won't be happy! You might want to work out some kind of schedule or routine that feels reasonable for both of you. Communication, before things hit a crisis point, is really important. Also, be willing to think 'outside the box' to find solutions.

I've been with my partner for 23 years. About 5 years in we had some hard times. I'd stopped 'playing NT' around him, which was a huge relief for me, but a bit of a shock for him. He wasn't getting all of his needs met, both in the sense of TLC and sexually, because he has a more active sex drive than I do. We eventually settled on an open relationship, with a set of rules in place for him dating or sleeping with other people, and that's worked out great for both of us.

I'm not saying that you and your BF would want something like that. Just, at every step, be mindful about what each of you wants and needs, and be willing to work to make sure those needs are met.

Have the "MONEY TALK!" This is not negotiable!

By that, I mean show him where you are financially and what the bills are and your income. AND INSIST HE DO THE SAME!

Number one reason couples divorce or break up is money. Discuss both of your spending and savings habits. and decide who will handle the finances. Don't try to hide a debt because you are ashamed of it. Don't hide any spending problems you may have. and make sure he does the same.

Now on to your mother's stuff. Sell it. You need to decide what is garbage, what you want to keep, what to sell and what to give to goodwill. THe keep pile should be the smallest. Go thru your stuff and do the same. and ask your SO to do the same if he is moving in.

When I moved last time. I found packing everything up and putting in storage a week before the move helped me realize what I could keep and what I wanted to get rid of. It also truly shows you how much stuff you actually have. You end up thinking "do I reeally want to have to move this to my new place.

So, What happened?

I would go further on the subject of money....
If *you* are buying the house, and asking *him* to move in with you, will you be expecting him to contribute to the house, as well as to bills, etc?
I ask because I've been caught by this unwitting trap twice. If it's *your* house, you'd be surprised how important that can suddenly become in the middle of an argument. It's not pleasant to realise you could have been buying your own place with what you were paying "her" rent / mortgage for, and that if the relationship breaks up you're homeless with nothing to show for a financial outlay that earns you no rights. I've seen too many honest and hardworking men (myself included ) fall for this and end up with often not even things they brought to the arrangement to show for years of their lives and salary :/

ESPECIALLY if you feel it may not work out in the end, that would essentially be using him to subsidise your purchase unless his name is also on the deeds.

My apologies, I didn't mean for that to sound like a big, neggy attack, honest. I've been married and I've cohabited, and I've been royally screwed a couple of times. Even the LTRs that ended "well", I couldn't stand the sight of the person I still cared for, eventually. Nowadays I live in my ramshackle gaff, and my good lady (of 3 1/2 years now!) lives in hers and we remain glad to see each other whilst getting private time we both need.

I would love to be "able" to live together though, even considering moving in together in maybe another 10 years or so - yes, both of us considering, lol.

Having said all that, you don't have to listen to me, cos my track record would clearly indicate I don't know s***. I still wish you nothing but happiness and fulfilment, regardless.

I'd suggest that you start out with something like asking him to stay over three days/nights a week at first for a few months so you both can see how it is. That way everybody has time at home alone and you can increase the number of days after a month or two. While it may seem like it is wasting money for him to keep his own place once he's at yours most of the time, it's worth it for right now because it helps take the pressure off as both ya'll are adjusting to this.

For the cleaning, I can give you a good, thorough cleaning schedule with lists of things to do every day and particular things to do each day of the work week. That's how I do mine and doing it like this means that everything gets done throughout the week but it doesn't all have to be done at once on one day. The daily stuff would take maybe 30 mins tops.

You might also discuss the cleaning thing with him and divide up stuff around the house so since he's the one who likes it neat, he has more responsibility for keeping it that way. You could just make sure you do the things like pick up after yourself and all and let him do the actual cleaning.

If you want the cleaning list let me know.

Yes, please, a list would be great. I tend to "overlook" evolving stacks of clutter until some specific reason comes up to deal with it--usually expected visitors etc. An organized and routine daily schedule would be great, but up to this point I've always been "all or nothing" in my approach to housework. Which usually means "nothing" for as long as I can get away with it.

Me too! I have a book by Martha Stewart, and her list isn't going to happen. I need a good fridge reminder checklist--something simple that reminds me to dust and wash windows occasionally.