it only ever gets worse

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i am tired as f**k.

every day, it gets harder and harder to sleep at night and wake up in the morning. every expenditure of self control seems to diminish my capacity for it.

as i am forced to expend more of my time and energy just to remain functional i have less and less for everything else in my life, like pursuing goals, staying on top of my personal affairs, keeping my apartment clean, and trying to maintain some semblance of a social life.

my life contracts further and further into a cycle of dragging myself out of bed late for work, working (as well as i can under the circumstances), coming home, eating, and trying desperately to sleep so I can do it again the next day.

months go by as I grow less and less able to do even these things, feeling shittier and shittier all the while.

i always tell myself that on weekends i'll use the time to get back on top of my life, but am compelled increasingly toward activities that serve only to distract me from the pain of being conscious.

i have better days and worse days, better weeks and worse weeks, but the general trend is toward loss of my ability to function, loss of contact with other people, loss of control over anything in my life, and increasing misery.

i hate my job, not because i don't like the work, but because it grows continually harder for me to even show up and do it. i live in fear of getting fired again, because i doubt i'd be able to get another job before my savings run out, if ever.

i have no friends, haven't had sex in several months, haven't had sex with someone i've actually been attracted to in several years. i ache for human contact but find myself increasingly unable to connect with other people or even tolerate their company.

it just keeps getting worse

and i'm f*****g sick of it

Go to Meetup.com and look for an Asperger meetup group in your city. You may be surprised to discover humans there you actually want to be around.

Sounds like you are exhausted mentally and physically. I suggest that you go and see your doctor to see if you have any mental issues such as depression (I know it's a cliche, but it could be true) and physical issues. I don't think you should keep pushing yourself like that. There must be some cause for your tiredness and feeling of unhappiness.

I feel in a similar way but probably not as bad. I feel I have no future and I'm wasting myself at my current work. Going to work is depressing because it's always the same and there's no prospect of advancing to a better position. I kind of feel ashamed of myself for letting myself be wasted like this in a second-class company. But my autism-related issues (mostly interpersonal) are making it hard for me to make any career progress.

As above, sounds like depression. You should speak to a doctor and force yourself to break this cycle. Good luck.

seen doctors. never any help.

either i'd be quickly brushed off, possibly with a prescription for inneffective medication, or referred from specialist to to specialist, each ordering their own set of expensive tests until i decided that the complete lack of benefit didn't justify the outlay of time and money, or they'd divert their attention to minor issues with my tests that had nothing to do with my actual problems to the point that it became clear that they were just avoiding the fact that they had no idea what to do with me.

i frequently try to "break the cycle". i'll start exercising, eating better, or try to develop any of the myriad other habits that are supposed to help. all this ever does is sap my time and already diminishing willpower to the point that i can no longer keep it up.

as far as meeting people, i've actually been fairly lucky in recent years to have found a few groups that i actually like, and seem to tolerate me fairly well, but i find it increasingly difficult to convince myself to expend time and energy on experiences that have been growing less and less enjoyable for everyone involved.

Is there a way you can get a solid block of sleep in there? Even just finding something to just knock you out for a night. Instead of focusing on catching up on everything, what about taking a day to just kick back and setting hanging obligations to the side? It might help you get back in rhythm instead of playing constant catch-up.

Why have they been growing less enjoyable?

frequently

just not at night

which further f***s up my rhythm

i've lost track of how many mondays i've missed work because i slept until 5pm on sunday and am still awake at 9am and just about to crash

because while my social skills have improved considerably over the years (not that that's saying much), they deteriorate pretty drastically when i feel like s**t, which is increasingly

and i hope i don't have to explain to anyone here what it's like to be around people that i generally like and find it even more difficult than usual to speak

Did you try a prozac kind of pill and it didn't help?

It's correct, they have no clue. As much as, the conventional paradigms about "eating well" and "exercising" don't help you (please, don't become a vegan just because somebody says it helps THEM, everybody is different).

I had a really bad episode a few years ago. It was actually triggered by treating some stupid stomach flu they couldn't fix for 6 months and a consecutive tetanus vaccination. The stomach problem was caused by low immune system, but they couldn't figure it out and only made it worse. After I myself figured it out, I treated the stomach and this problem went away. But then, while my immune system was still low, I was convinced to get a tetanus shot (ok, I'm a computer programmer, so much I "needed" it) and after that I first fell sick with high fever, then got really nasty persistent insomnia and fatigue. It's like I would go to sleep then wake up at 3am and can't sleep anymore, every day. Over the counter pills only worked for a couple of days in a row. I wouldn't get any prescription sleeping pills since I had used to have an addiction before. Then fatigue started to build up (it was a longer story to it but it doesn't matter now since it all went away).

What I learned next about my strengths (please, don't take it as preaching):
- I don't have to believe in what's conventional. People believe it for social reasons, but sometimes it's just some BS everybody believes, not because it's credible. Like modern medicine, parts of science, politics or what's supposed to be "eating well".
- I can learn things on my own as long as there is enough information in books and on the internet. I don't need anybody to give me official credits and pat my back. I don't need this education to be "recognized" by anybody if I don't build a career out of it.

So, I ditched conventional doctors... (and finally listened to my Mom who's an MD herself, such as her statements in private "don't take pills, they don't cure anything and only create problems"). Learned traditional Chinese medicine (it took me a few years to become proficient, but the results showed up earlier). Treated not only myself but also my husband's chronic problem considered life long and incurable (no more painkillers). My own medical Mom listens to me. Life is good when you're physically healthy. I'm still socially sluggish, but it's my congenital deficiency.

It currently takes me 15 minutes of Qi Gong per day to have enough energy, no raw vegetables (they are not good for anybody with deficiencies, which most AS have), enough proteins.

I also used to have an AS boss/friend who had a medical problem, visited many MDs in vain as he had the best insurance. Then he saw they were not helpful, searched for information on his own, figured it out and treated himself using natural ways. After that, he skips getting a medical insurance, he considers it waste of money (and he's very healthy).

Please, don't take it as a medical advice, except the part "pharmaceuticals will get it worse for you". Just an advice to use your strengths as an AS. Can you take a vacation to start from?

The OP has not been on the thread for over a month so it's unlikely that they are still reading.

While everyone's opinion is valid I feel that your statements about eating well and exercising are hypocritical. As you say everyone is different in their dietary requirements and Qi Gong is exercise, is it not?