Being AS and Confused about 12 step sponsor

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I haven't posted in here in a long time, so I'll reintroduce myself. I'm a 52 year old woman with AS. I'm married for 27 years, and have 2 sons, ages 11 and 18. I've had a rocky, but fairly successful family life with my own family. I wasn't dx'ed until age 38. My childhood was one of severe abuse by family members as well as school mates.

I'm feeling confused about my sponsors responses to me. I'm in Overeater's Anonymous. Yesterday, I was talking to her about how I'm reading a book on boundaries. I was explaining to her about how I wanted to set boundaries with certain family members who had treated me very poorly in the past, and how they were toxic. She responded by saying things like "well, if you can let go of the past and not get so mad, you can treat them with love and compasssion", and said I should not refer to my one family member as toxic, not to focus on their behavior, and focus on only my own behavior, etc. etc. In other words, I felt somewhat judged and criticized, and told her so. She then said "oh no I'm not criticizing you, I think you're doing great", etc. When I reminded her of my AS, she said, but that's in the past, and I said no it isn't, my AS will always be a part of me. At any rate, I'm feeling somewhat misunderstood and frustrated. The upshot of it is, she seems to think that I'm overreacting to things and that I'm holding on to anger too much, and being too critical of these family members who were really harsh with me in the past, and that I should just forget about it all and just show them love and compassion, etc etc. However, it feels as though she is being rather hard on me, and don't know if I can or should trust her with these intimate details of my life.

I find it impossible to get people to understand me. I'm wondering if I'm misconstruing what she said to me, or if she really just doesn't understand me. My language comprehension is such that I get very easily confused during a conversation, and can't remember all that is said, so that I'm unable to process it and respond to it effectively. I don't understand their point and their motives. And when I try to question them about it, they often get defensive and a upset.

Anyone else have this happen to them? How can I deal with this?

It seems that your sponsor doesn't really understand AS very well, so perhaps you might want to try to talk to her more about it. If all else fails, then you might want to consider another sponsor. I am fully aware of the various family issues that we AS folks might encounter. I've had my share of them and I elected to simply sever all of my family contacts. That was a drastic step, but it seemed to solve a lot of problems. I realize that many people find this to be unthinkable and they cannot understand how I could do such a thing, but if there isn't any real connection there emotionally and if they are making your life worse, then why not simply say enough is enough and cut the cord? I learned long ago that I was always better off when I did NOT take other people's advice and to do what I thought was right. So, if you want boundaries, by all means set them, but also explain why you are setting them

As for letting go of the past and anger, as well as the old love and compassion bit, I personally find such comments to be nothing more than useless verbal garbage. The past is always with us and that which was done to us and what we have experienced, has now become a part of us forever. Our past has changed us in many ways and what we are today is the result of all that has gone before, so if that which was done to us has caused us harm or anger or grief, then we are right never to forget what was done to us and never to lose that anger at those who caused us harm. True, this is not the Christian way, but then I'm no Christian. I parted company with those folks long ago.

Remember: Trust nothing, trust no one, not even yourself. And too, remember that it is only your opinion of yourself that matters. No one else's opinion matters.

I've been in 12-step programs, too. I've never had a perfect sponsor. one thing I did learn, though, is to not look for water in a dry well. some people in your family may have proven to be dry wells, people from whom nothing good is ever going to come. you know not to go back there.

has your sponsor otherwise given good advice? you may just want to ignore this last bit with her and take your own advice about your family. if you think the sponsor may be able to help you in your weight loss journey, use her for that.

I too have toxic family members with whom I attempted to set boundaries, and eventually severed contact. "Toxic" is the only word for them, and it is our right to use it. Cultural pressure to maintain relationships with toxic family members - like your sponsor's unsolicited "advice" - is part of the problem. Especially for women, as we are expected to be the glue that holds everyone together, for the sake of family, no matter what. That impossible, ceaseless pressure caused me to overindulge in all kinds of things; perhaps it is why you overeat.

Really, your sponsor should respect how you feel about a situation she knows nothing about, and focus on the changes you are making to improve your life. NOT put you on the defensive, and then deny that's what she did! I've never done a 12-step program, but I would think that working through your feelings and deciding how to handle your relationships is a very personal thing that only you can do. While the sponsor's role would best be limited to helping you change your behavior (like avoiding triggers).

Speaking of boundaries. You can practice on her.

It doesn't sound like this woman understands your situation, or that AS is a lifelong condition (not a "childhood" issue as is it often mischaracterized in the popular press.) I don't think you misconstrued her. I think she was embarrassed to be caught in a major no-no: invalidating your feelings, and attempting to substitute your judgment with her own. She should have acknowledged that's what she did, and then apologized. Like cathylynn says, if she can help you achieve a concrete objective, use her for that, and ignore the rest.

One suggestion might be to limit the conversation to strategies for changing your behavior, and maybe not get too specific about all the underlying traumas (which also simplifies what you have to remember). Maybe you could also explain that you get confused during conversation, just as you have here. That might slow her down, and make her choose her words more carefully.

Hope this helps! Good luck.

Thanks for the feedback. I also have a sponsor in Al Anon, and she is much more helpful. I'll rely mainly on her for advice about my family. I do have some emotional connection with my family, as they have gotten much better recently. It's just that it can still get crazy at times. I cannot wrap my mind around how I'm supposed to just totally erase the memories of the abuse, and the residual hurt that is there inside me. I have forgiven them, but at times the hurt resurfaces.

@ waitiekatie, I think you summed it up well. I did feel rather invalidated. I don't think she understand AS, nor the complexity and the severity of how bad it was in the past. I don't think it is wise to just sever myself from the past and forget about it, as then I will probably repeat it. And that would be very harmful to me emotionally. Back in 2007 I was so severely depressed I had to be hospitalized. I don't ever want to go back to being in that situation.

I think I will just use her for very specific problems directly related to my eating disorder which is, by the way, in remission. I'm not going to take it personally or take offense to it, and get all devastated. She is an older woman, and has old fashioned traditional ideas about how to relate to other people and family members.