Adult child of alcoholic stuck with said alcoholic

Post Reply New Topic

Several years ago my father died, leaving just me and my mother. For a couple years, I lived on my own with a roommate, but it ultimately resulted in me isolating myself in my room, and dreading even passing through the kitchen to the bathroom lest I come across him or his very sociable, outgoing friends. I have since moved back in with my mother, helping her with bills and a mortgage she can't fully handle on her own. The problem is, she is in denial about her very heavy alcohol use, and when she is drunk, it sends me straight into meltdown mode. I can keep from getting excessively upset with virtually everyone, but we very quickly get into all sorts of verbal altercations.

Adding to the situation, I have never been diagnosed with AS, and she refuses to believe that I have it, citing that I drive and am gainfully employed. I worry about getting diagnosed because of the stigma, and at thirty-one, am not sure how it will help me.

Over the course of the last couple years, I've drifted away from practically all of my very few friends, and have found myself somewhat dependent on her. During this time, my anxiety has also worsened exponentially, and I dislike being outside or interacting with new people on more than a fleeting, casual level. It has left me without much of a support structure.

Does anyone have any experience dealing with an alcoholic you are dependent on? The biggest issues arise from me being accused of things I didn't do, her revisionist history of events, having nobody else to defend my side of the argument when accused of things, and her bringing up past events into an argument that has nothing to do with it. Most times I have no idea what started the argument and when I ask for an explanation, I get, "you know what this is about/what you did!" I don't know that I can make it on my own, and feel overwhelmed even thinking about where to begin, but do not want to seek a diagnosis in order to get disability, because with some assistance (usually hers), I can function enough to work.

Any advice would be appreciated.

My dad is an alcoholic (recovering). Alcoholism has ravaged my family with an incredible percentage of adults being addicted to something (alcohol, street drugs, sex, prescription pills). I go to Al-anon. It was first suggested to me when I was 17 and dealing with my dad. I didn't see how it would help me. After dealing with a lot of other issues, I finally got serious about Al-anon a year ago. it seems to be the core issue with me. The reason I know this is because I got clean and sober nine years ago, started going to therapy and taking psych meds., addressed other addictions, got diagnosed with Asperger's and still I was miserable and stressed out all the time. Over the last year, I have become so much more peaceful and have made much better decisions. I finally feel hope that I won't be miserable for the rest of my life. I don't know if they have meetings where you live, but if you do, I suggest attending a few. The only requirement for membership is that you be negatively affected by another person's alcoholism.

the only requirement for membership is that you are affected by someone's drinking. we don't diagnose others as alcoholics. that is for the drinker themselves to decide. or maybe a doc.

the most important principle of al-anon is to "take care of yourself."

an al-anon slogan that fits your situation is, "arguing with a drunk person is like trying to nail jello to a wall." don't argue with your mom when she is drunk. offer to discuss the problem later and leave the room.

don't take to heart the accusations your mom makes. "if she said you are a chair, would you be a chair?" she is sick and doesn't want to see it, so she desperately tries to put the focus on you.

my best wishes for you and your mom to get whatever help will bring some peace to you both.

I never really thought of going to AA as a non-alcoholic. The crowd would be a pretty difficult obstacle, but maybe some of the literature. AA has always left a bad taste in my mouth, and a lot of its practices are suspect, but I suppose they're the best suited to give good advice based on volume of participants.

Thanks for the advice and encouragement, guys.

Al-anon is not the same thing as AA.

AA is for the drinker who wants to get and stay sober. Al-anon is for the people who have to deal with the problem drinker. Usually it is the spouse or child or sibling of the alcoholic that goes to Al-anon.

Ah, thanks for clearing that up.

yeah al-anon can be awesome. if you don't like one meeting, don't let it put you off. try a few. like all 12 step programs some meetings (people) are incredibly helpful and some are incredibly toxic. most get a core group attending and either they get their s**t together and have a lot to offer or they get sicker together. probably most meetings are somewhere in between.

i started attending al-anon because i was living with recovering alcoholics, also married to one - even sober we still have to deal with the underlying issues. then my ex's eldest son developed a huge drug and alcohol problem and we went together for a while before we split up.