Resistance to suggestions

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My husband and I both have AS, and he is finally admitting that he has problems taking suggestions on things to do that may help him. His immediate, knee jerk reaction is "no" and I'm not sure what I can do to help him through this. I've been considering trying to suggest the opposite like, instead of suggesting that he do thus and such which he automatically rejects because I suggested it, I suggest that he NOT do thus and such. That way the "permission" so to speak to not do it has already been given which may free him up to at least try it.

I have to add that along with AS, he has ADHD, PTSD and most likely Tourette's and has been highly criticized, bullied and frequently embarrassed for most of his 51 years on the wrong planet for being different. He is grateful to finally discover that he's not mentally ill as he was led to believe - just hard-wired different, but it will take some time and patience to undo 50 years of damage, and I can't even suggest that he join an AS support group since it has to be his idea or he flat rejects it.

Also, I have PTSD and quite possibly a mild case of Tourette's as well and am going on 51 years on the wrong planet, too, so have my own challenges to contend with, but he has really been struggling lately, so I've finally decided to post here hoping to find advice on how to support him in ways that benefit rather than alienate him.

This is my first post on WrongPlanet, so if you need more information, I'd be glad to provide it. Many thanks.

Aspies are often quite stubborn, and resistant to change. I should know, as I'm the same way.

I yam what I yam.

I don't like to get unsolicited suggestions and advice either. And hearing the same unrequested suggestion/advice more than once sends me right over the edge. Rage time.

That said, I nonetheless hear what was suggested and (whether I like it or not) do consider it. It sometimes evolves that I eventually take the suggestion, or some tweaked form of it. But if that happens it does so on my timeline - sometimes days, months, or years. Or never.

So.... what works best with me is to just sling an idea at me and then let it go and let me act or not act on it in my own time and my own way.

Ask him not to reply right away. I've never conquered my own knee jerk reactions, but with time to think things through and prepare myself it's not my final answer most times.

Don't try to manipulate him into a desired answer.

So, it looks like I just need to keep doing what I'm doing by suggesting and then letting it go or simply letting it go without suggesting. Thank you for the feedback.

He will need to arrive at the impulse to do the thing internally. He will need to be motivated internally.

What you may be able to do, if the suggestion is workable, is
1. discuss the problem the suggestion is meant to help with until he is thinking about ways to solve the problem and wants to do something about it.
2. Discuss the suggestion and other options for improving the problem situation, analyzing pros and cons.
3. Allow him to come to the conclusion that this is something he wants to do, based on you discussions and analysis.

Once he has decided this is something he wants to do, you may be able to help him overcome fears, anxieties and stuck moments that impede progress toward implementing the solution.

If he isn't motivated, there isn't much you can do.

I'm sorry you are having a rough time.

Like previously mentioned, I also frequently automatically reject solutions in real live time. For me, it's quite largely a processing issue--but it doesn't seem that way on the outside. I frequently agree later, but I simply could not think through everything in the moment (or wasn't done exploring something else relevant). If this could be the case, I'd suggest phrasing suggestions in a way that you don't expect a response.


Some other thoughts:

Having a problem and all possible solutions to the problem are separate entities. It is possible that he agrees with the premise of the problem, but the suggested solutions don't work for him. That doesn't mean he doesn't see the problem. Sometimes more brainstorming for solutions is helpful. Sometimes stating the problem alone is helpful. Some people want help finding solutions and some people want to find their own solutions.

Now, it's also possible that he doesn't agree with the problem. If that is the case, then (if the "problem" affects only him), there isn't anything to fix. If the problem affects you and he doesn't see it, make certain that he is aware of the problem as it affects you and not just your proposed solutions to an assumed problem that he may not agree with.