rocky mother-son relationship

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This was originally to be a response to a post on another forum where the author described what a relief it was that his mother had finally seen him for who he was and how it totally changed her approach to him, making their relationship that much more fruitful. The sites sign-up procedure was a major pain though, so here I am...Hi!

Unfortunately there has been no reconciliation or perceived acceptance from my mother. It has been yet another Christmas with yet another meltdown and yet another stonewalling of my feelings and string of gross generalizations about me being rude, selfish and only ever thinking about myself. When I try to go through step by step what I had said and why I had said it she would put her fingers in her ears saying 'I'm not listening, I'm not listening, I'm not listening'. When commenting that I've been under some pressure lately with pretty severe depression (it's been a particularly rocky patch) resulted in her saying that I'm 'always feeling sorry for myself, and it's always me, me, me', when all I was trying to say was that it might have been one of the triggers, because, in fact, over the whole holiday period while I was struggling I did not once let it get the better of me.

When I first get agitated about something I don't yell. I talk incessantly but it's all a sequence of reasoning that tries to portray how and why I feel the way I do about something that, usually, has nothing to do with my mother and is nothing personal against anyone but is something that bothered me enough to cause me to rant. I know that it sounds unpleasant, but it's more blunt honesty than personal rudeness or vindictiveness, which are far more malicious behaviors that harbor that much more intent. At first I'm aware how important it is to not shout and I'm in control of my faculties, trying to talk through my agitation. However, her reaction; the labeling and dismissal, sends me ballistic, more so because it has been her choice strategy for over 10 years now.

It makes me look like I've shouted from the beginning and it vindicates her view and the approach she takes to me. So, I'm rude and I need to change because my 'reaction is totally out of proportion to normal' etc. etc. If she'd actually taken the time to read anything I had ever sent her about the condition, or listening when talking through my feelings in a given situation, then she might at least stand a chance of understanding where I'm coming from and the kinds of things that set me off big time, i.e. condescension, hypocrisy, etc.

It's not sympathy I'm looking for, just a sign of a step towards understanding and acceptance. It would help no end. An analogy I can draw upon is that she has brainwashed herself (with the help of my sister, I suppose...but that's another story) by repeating such things over and over again and using the support of others, i.e. my sister, to reaffirm her position. At the same time she is afraid to concede that she may have made a mistake, somewhere, even once - that would just force her to bring everything else into question.

Any attempt I've ever made to address the issue, at a time when all is calm or in writing, is rejected with further dismissal, accusations and a dredging up of skewed versions of events from the past. The desperation leads to another meltdown. I don't know if she doesn't see it or refuses to see it but I'm at a loss as to what to do. Even though I'm in my 30s (and am independent, working, a few friends etc), I still long for reparation and reconciliation with my family.

Thank you for listening.

sometimes it is necessary to disown one's parents or family.

I think your mother's not listening is fatal. Without listening, there's no communication. Does she ever actually actively try to contact you? Or is it always you that contact her? I think you might need to keep away from her if it's always mostly unpleasant like that. If she contacts you, you could tell her that you would rather not be in touch with her because she only makes you more depressed. You need to somehow make her realize that her refusal/inability to listen is making it impossible for you to have a good relationship with her. If she still doesn't want to listen, then you just forget about her. Even if she is your mother, if she is not willing to understand/accept/support you emotionally, then you are better off without her.

Thanks for the reply. Of course, my original post doesn't explain enough about what our relationship is actually like. The vast majority of the time it's fine, given that she/I feel that the air is somewhat cleared from the last blowup. I don't think she holds a permanent grudge, but there is something there that causes her to react in an unhelpful way whenever my emotions get the better of me. It could be about anything, small or large, more justified or not, and she'll lunge back into this mindset that I'm being unforgivably rude and problematic. It leaves me exacerbated, and guilty, especially that so much of the time I'm able to show that I'm a decent, functioning, kind and compassionate person (undoubtedly with idiosyncrasies). I'm constantly having to monitor my behavior but inevitably I'll slip, and not even by that much, but immediately the atmosphere changes and I can feel the offense that they (could be anyone in my family) have taken. They (less so my dad, he just sits on the fence) keep reinforcing their view without giving a different perspective a chance - they have all the justifications lined up. It's solely me that needs to change.

I sort of had the same kind of relationship/interactions with my mum. Once, a guy I really liked witnessed things between us, which I found mortifying, but his perspective was really interesting. He said that it's not my job to try to fix things between us. I've done my best to explain things to my mum and if she won't listen and refuses to change, it's not my fault. So when my mum started her usual reactions to whatever it was she perceived was 'wrong' about me, I simply disengaged. I removed myself. At one point, I didn't see her or speak to her for three months. While we've never discussed things since, her attitude towards me has changed. She no longer treats me like I'm ten years old. She no longer makes cutting remarks that shred my self-esteem. In fact, she has expressed admiration for what a strong person I've become.

If she is that toxic, you have my permission to not interact or do holidays. It's not that big of a deal to do that ya know. Protect your mental health at all costs.

Also, I understand about explaining things the way you described, it drives my family nuts, they can't handle what they perceive as "every little detail, over-explaining, rationalizing". As difficult as it is for us, we must try to consider our audience, must try to change our behaviors (towards very important people, of course), must try to improve ourselves in communication because we do not speak the native language and we do not think the native hive-mind thoughts. Please consider that you have to make the effort to channel your 'information overload' into bits so that others can understand too. If they understand you, they will reflect that but you won't catch it that they understood, so it's an endless loop, you might question if they understood, and explain some more, they look like they're still listening, so you go on.... does this sound familiar? Yeah, it happens to me all the time too. Plus I have ADD, which makes whatever I talk about jump from about 5 different topics and YES DAMNIT I expect you to keep UP (LMAO). So yes, I work hard on being understood....

probably too much.

Seriously, family is very difficult, and the neurospectrum is diverse! The amazing fact is, even though we, as autistics, lack social reciprocity and all that-- you can't over-generalize and say that all NTs are perfect with their social skills! In fact, ALL PEOPLE have to work on social skills. We just lack the essential toolkit so we make our own. (right? )