Does my Mom have Aspergers? Help

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Hi, I am on here to find out WTF is wrong with my 75yr old Mother.

All my life she has been different, really hard work for me. I'm an only child. Dad died when When I was 18yrs old.

He had a stroke from stress and working too hard and fights with my mother when I was 12yrs old. She divorced him when he was completely paralysed in hospital and I looked after him for 6 yr before he died of bowel cancer (undiagnosed).

So yeah, my childhood was a living nightmare. Recently my uncle (mother's brother) used a diagnostic online tool to see what mental illness is making my Mom so hard to deal with, and it came up as Aspergers.


After doing some research I think more and more it is the case, but she will never agree to seeing a Dr, and I don't know what else to do, so I'm here to try and understand her! and me ( I think a huge part of my personality is learner Aspergers... Is that possible, does anyone know how it effects NT children to grow up with Aspie role models?)


And I want to get some peace about all the mysteries of my family life.

Already the blank stare ( she is so always known for this), the lack of friends, inability to socialise, writes obsessively mindlessly meditating on weird words and thoughts, has an amazing memory for events and info that no one else remembers, did well at high school, like genius well, but failed at life / career... All of which is so ridiculously her, come up with Aspergers.
But now she is 75yr and refuses to move out of an unsuitable home and I am the only family. What do I tell the Dr/ lawyer etc...

We don't know.

Only appropriately-trained, experienced and licensed mental-health professionals can make a valid diagnosis of an ASD, and as far as I know, there are no such professionals on WrongPlanet. Such a professional would have to meet face-to-face with your mother multiple times before making even a tentative diagnosis. Confirming your suspicions with an amateur "diagnosis" is dangerous, since your mother may have other issues involved (... Alzheimer's? Senile Dementia? Adverse reaction to food and/or medication? Or maybe just the old "I-don't-give-a-damn-what-you-think" attitude? ...).

Online tests can not provide an objectively valid ASD diagnosis, either, since (again) untrained amateurs are involved..

My advice is to try again to convince your mother to be examined. If that doesn't work, speak to her care-giver or attending physician regarding your concerns.

If you're really determined to have her diagnosed, petition the courts to have her declared "Non Compos Mentis", and have you granted a general power of attorney - you will essentially become her insofar as any decisions to be made. Then you can "force" her to undergo an examination ...

... but she may not like it.

To be honest if she's 75 is there much point in getting a diagnosis? Maybe your best bet is to learn as much as you can about the way she thinks so that you can find some sort of peace of mind or middle ground in the way that you interact. I recommend Aspergers in the Family by Liane Halliday Wiley because it was written by a woman and gives a female perspective of Aspergers.

I wish there was more information about this topic or more support for children who grew up with AS parents. I don't know what to tell you in regards to taking care of your mother other than you have to accept her the way that she is. You will not change her. With that being said, therapy would probably help you with the feelings you have about your mother.

Growing up with my mom was like not having a mother at all. On top of the neglect and me having to take care of her, she was abusive and it is really hard for me to get over. I don't know if I can get over it, but therapy is helping me resolve some of the emotions and realize that the way she treated me was not my fault. It was her AS and the family environment she grew up in.

Today, I accept my role as her son (which is to lovingly support her if she asks) but I am not responsible for her. I refuse that responsibility. She is a grown adult. I am only responsible for myself since I have no kids.

I can relate to the learned AS. I have no concept of what normal social development is because I wasn't allowed friends (only family or people from church) and they couldn't come over and she refused to drive me to my friends houses. She tried to keep me totally isolated at home. It is still that way at age 29. I can't afford to move out, have no local friends, and don't know how to interact. I have AS as well but it is more than that. I don't have the normal learning experiences that teach you what is expected in certain social situations because of an active campaign by my mother to isolate me. I have felt hopelessly behind since becoming an adult and feel like I fall further behind each year. The anger is hard to deal with. I don't know if you can relate or not. But I think that is what you mean by learned AS. Social dynamics are different in a family that has AS, and it leaves you wondering how you are supposed to behave when interacting with normal NT families, like a culture shock.

Suspending the fact that she isn't diagnosed....

My mother is very similar to some of the older folks I know personally with ASD. Some of the strategies that have worked in our relationship so far: Speaking your concerns plainly and explaining things logically help a lot. I don't know anyone who would react well to "Hey I think you have an autism spectrum disorder, could you go get diagnosed for me?" So that's probably out. Start planning things with the idea in mind that she has an ASD, don't force her to do anything like Fnord says, that's ridiculous, You could do better than that that even if she is demented you could just say you suspect dementia then when you get guardianship you just take care of her by putting her in a home and making sure the bills get paid.

So with all that in mind, what does it do for you if she gets an ASD diagnosis? What's the vested interested here? Do you want to repair your relationship or just control her living situation? The latter is far easier and simpler for both of you, considering her age.

It is very difficult to handle aging parents, even for well-adjusted NTs. You are brave for asking for help here and very loving for wanting the best for your mom. Hopefully you can get the guardian ship and get her to a safe home.