Sage advice for the NT in an NT/Aspie Relationship

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mcv100
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07 Feb 2014, 12:30 am

I joined this site recently because I am an NT in a relationship with an Aspie. We have a very strong relationship, albeit still fairly new. Everything I read about NT/AS relationships seem to be negative. I know there are healthy, strong and thriving NT/Aspie relationships though. I thought I would come on this thread since adults are more likely to have years of experience in their relationships.

From the Aspies, what advice would you give an NT in a relationship with an Aspie? What should I know to better understand him, keeping in mind every Aspie is unique. I know solitude is big issue. He doesn't need too much, but sometimes I wonder if I should give him more space then he asks for. I know he goes out of his way to give me what I need and I want to return the favor.

From NTs, what advice do you have? What have been the biggest adjustments for you?

I always enjoy hearing from other people, so share away!



cberg
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07 Feb 2014, 1:56 am

I think your friend night be terrified they'll respond to questions like this one naiievely.


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mcv100
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07 Feb 2014, 2:34 am

cberg wrote:
I think your friend night be terrified they'll respond to questions like this one naiievely.


If you are referring to my bf, he is not on the site and if he happened to join later, he would recognize my user name :) I mentioned I joined this site and asked if he had heard about it. He said no, checked it out and went back to playing video games.



Troy_Guther
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07 Feb 2014, 2:36 am

The biggest thing you can do is not expect him to read your mind on things. It's BS when NT's do it to each other, and it's downright cruel to expect it of an aspie.



cberg
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07 Feb 2014, 2:41 am

Yes but I mean he may not feel able to find you a conclusive answer to this.


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izzeme
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07 Feb 2014, 5:15 am

i think you got the most inportant advice down already: solitude and giving room when he needs it, the rest is very specific and personal (and person-to-person can be diametrically opposed to each other).
for example: some aspies hate all forms of physical contact with anyone and will only hug you becouse they know you like it while others would cuddle 24/7 if they could, becouse they enjoy physical and skin contact

aside from really needing solitude at times (how often varies, a lot) the not reading emotions and bodylanguage is the only other symptom that all aspies share (but, again, in varying strength).

all i can say is: realise and accept that your boyfriend needs his space from time to time and that his bodylanguage differs from yours, and that it is a lot harder for him to learn yours then it is for you to learn his.

(that means: it is a myth that people with aspergers do not have or use bodylanguage, we do, it's just different from what NTs use)



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07 Feb 2014, 12:30 pm

The one thing I would add is that when you are in conflict, try not to push until things de-escalate.

I don't know how true this is for other people, but I can see what is happening when I am on the edge of overload and I will ask if we could discuss it later.

This is not an attempt to avoid dealing with the issue, but an attempt to avoid a meltdown. I really can't help that, and the thing that I am doing when I say, "can we talk about this in a non-confrontational way later," is trying to manage internal overload, not my beloved.

In an ideal world:

Every difficult discussion would take place in a candle-lit room decorated in a minimalist Japanese-traditional/Scandinavian-modern style over cups of hot tea with a view of nature outside. We could each discuss our perspective on the situation under discussion, meditate for a while and then have a really good meal. Having slept on the issue and allowed our subconscious minds to engage with what we have heard, we could then collaborate on mutually agreeable approaches to ameliorate the problem and make a better future together.

Oh wait, you are asking for practical advice! If you can swing the Scandinavian-modern Japanese tea house thing, I'm sure it would help, but just remember what you like about each other and what lead you to be friends and lovers in the first place. When stress is high, cultivate joy.



mcv100
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07 Feb 2014, 1:49 pm

Adamantium wrote:
Oh wait, you are asking for practical advice! If you can swing the Scandinavian-modern Japanese tea house thing, I'm sure it would help, but just remember what you like about each other and what lead you to be friends and lovers in the first place. When stress is high, cultivate joy.


This is very good to remember, cultivate joy. I will see what I can do about that tea house :)

I have yet to experience one of his meltdowns and we have talked about how to avoid it coming from me. I am very submissive, which helps. I know if he tells me something or does something, it is for a specific reason, not impulse, so I don't push. I am careful to recognize his cues and when I feel like I might be overwhelming him, I ask and he always responds honestly. It is one of the traits I love about him. No passive-aggression.



here_to_learn
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13 Feb 2014, 1:03 pm

My Aspie husband and I began this journey over a year ago and we have both learned a lot about ourselves and each other. Through extensive communication, we were able to figure out what each other's needs and limits are. We do not expect things from each other that we cannot provide...while at the same time trying to change what we can. So, for example, I am a fairly emotional person...sometimes my reactions can really tweak my husband. I understand this and do my best to control myself...but if I can't, he does his best to stay present. And if can't, he let's me know and we both withdraw for a bit and come back when we can. But really, that hardly happens at all any more. We both have learned to be honest about our needs and to recognize how different some of our needs are...so we try to be preemptive about possible things that might trigger each other. I've become a much more honest and open person because of this process.
I love my husband for who he is...and much of that is his Aspie-ness. In other words, some of his best as well as most annoying qualities are Aspie-related...and I love the full package.



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13 Feb 2014, 4:45 pm

Well all relationships are different, the same aspie can have different issues from one relationship to another, nevermind how different one aspie's issues can be from another's. So it's possible that nothing I say here will be applicable.

But I've been with an awesome NT woman for going on 8 years now, and there are some "rules" we've learned to follow that really help us.

For her:

If I seem distant, not paying enough attention, then say something to me about it rather than assuming my affection for you is waning. Sometimes I get too wrapped up in my special interests to be as attentive as you need me to be, but if you tell me before you get upset about it then I will drop it and give you what you ask for.

Somewhat related to that, my ways of showing affection are different from other people's. Learn to recognize them.

All that said, sometimes I am going to shut down and just not be able to deal with any interaction with anyone. It is not you specifically I am avoiding when I lock myself in my room for a couple days at a time, it is everyone. When I'm like that, I would avoid myself if I could.

If an argument is getting heated and I try to walk away from it then, for god's sake, let me. It is extremely difficult to control my emotions, sometimes impossible to remain calm. I am not avoiding or ignoring the issue or you, I am taking responsibility for my unhelpful emotional reactions by choosing to have them somewhere else and coming back to you when I am able to behave reasonably. But it only works if you can set your need for immediate resolution of whatever conflict aside for a little while and let me go.

While I will do my very best to give you the amount of attention you need, I do need a lot more time to myself than most guys. We are just plain never gonna have that attached at the hip relationship some couples have.

Never assume I know what I am doing wrong. You have to tell me.

Sometimes I have trouble putting how I feel, or why I feel that way, into words. If I am disagreeing, or refusing to do something (or insisting on doing something) and can't adequately explain myself, do not assume I have no reason for it or that I am just being difficult.

For me:

Remember to show affection. I can't just say "I love you" once in a while and assume she remembers it the rest of the time. She needs to be shown it. Is it really so hard to drop what I'm doing for a minute once in a while and go give her a hug and a kiss? Or to reach over and stroke her leg or her back or something when we're sitting on the couch together? Things like that that may seem small to me but are huge to her.

Doing things together isn't always about the actual things we are doing. I may be bored to tears by some of the stuff she enjoys, but the real point of going with her is to enjoy each other's company and strengthen our bond.

Related to one of the above rules for her; I need to remember that, when I am having one of those extreme emotional reactions to something, that it is about me and I do not get to take it out on her. If I feel it coming on, I need to walk away before I lose control rather than unloading all that crap on her.

Do not ever assume that she feels the same way I do about something. Always ask.

Sometimes she does need an explanation regarding why I am acting a certain way. So, even if it seems dumb to me to sit down for a few hours to sort things through in my head and get it into words when I already know how I feel about something, we are a partnership and she has a right to and deserves to understand my reasoning.

It is very hard for me sometimes not to be bitter about the things other people can do that I can't seem to. Like, for instance, their ability to create and maintain friendships. I do not get to take that bitterness out on her. Rather than being envious of the things she can do that I can't, try to be grateful that I found someone willing to share her skills and talents with me.

For both of us:

Have patience and remember why we're putting up with all this s**t in the first place; because we love the hell out of each other.


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Tomas73
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13 Feb 2014, 5:31 pm

Troy_Guther wrote:
The biggest thing you can do is not expect him to read your mind on things. It's BS when NT's do it to each other, and it's downright cruel to expect it of an aspie.


I couldn't agree more!



tarantella64
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13 Feb 2014, 5:59 pm

That's lovely, mds_02.



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13 Feb 2014, 7:05 pm

tarantella64 wrote:
That's lovely, mds_02.


Thank you.

I should probably mention the biggest thing that has helped us last this long, which is that we'd known each other for about ten years before we got together, since we were teenagers, and were already each others oldest and closest friend. So we knew exactly what we we getting into.


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muna
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24 Feb 2014, 5:08 am

Adamantium wrote:
The one thing I would add is that when you are in conflict, try not to push until things de-escalate.

I don't know how true this is for other people, but I can see what is happening when I am on the edge of overload and I will ask if we could discuss it later.

This is not an attempt to avoid dealing with the issue, but an attempt to avoid a meltdown. I really can't help that, and the thing that I am doing when I say, "can we talk about this in a non-confrontational way later," is trying to manage internal overload, not my beloved.

In an ideal world:

Every difficult discussion would take place in a candle-lit room decorated in a minimalist Japanese-traditional/Scandinavian-modern style over cups of hot tea with a view of nature outside. We could each discuss our perspective on the situation under discussion, meditate for a while and then have a really good meal. Having slept on the issue and allowed our subconscious minds to engage with what we have heard, we could then collaborate on mutually agreeable approaches to ameliorate the problem and make a better future together.

Oh wait, you are asking for practical advice! If you can swing the Scandinavian-modern Japanese tea house thing, I'm sure it would help, but just remember what you like about each other and what lead you to be friends and lovers in the first place. When stress is high, cultivate joy.


I agree with all of this so much. Your ideal world difficult discussion sounds amazing. I mean, down to the decor and everything. I'm forwarding this to my husband because you said it better than I ever could. Thank you.



mouthyb
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24 Feb 2014, 10:47 pm

Don't assume that not remembering something or not doing something is intentional and designed to hurt you. I run into this often--I forget to clean out the cat box, for instance, not because I'm deliberately sending a message to the other person, but because I got a swarm of emails which have to be dealt with, and then I had to work on homework or something of that sort. But many times, the other person will assume it's a slight to them (I'm deliberately ignoring them), and become offended, which startles me and makes it hard not to get angry.

Not all of us are this way, but many of us express our affection through doing things--a barometer for how important someone is to me is how many times I'm willing to interrupt my day for them. If I'm dropping things to make good food, or to fix something broken for them, or to make small talk (which blows for me), that person is REALLY important. I may not effusively compliment the person, but what I will do is re-arrange my life and time to fit their convenience and needs. That's some quality romancin'.

Don't be offended if your needs end up on a list sometimes. Lists are how I divide my day, and offering to add someone's needs to my daily list of stuff is me trying to ensure that their needs are a part of my everyday routine (which means that they are REALLY important.)


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26 Feb 2014, 11:01 am

muna wrote:
Adamantium wrote:
The one thing I would add is that when you are in conflict, try not to push until things de-escalate.

I don't know how true this is for other people, but I can see what is happening when I am on the edge of overload and I will ask if we could discuss it later.

This is not an attempt to avoid dealing with the issue, but an attempt to avoid a meltdown. I really can't help that, and the thing that I am doing when I say, "can we talk about this in a non-confrontational way later," is trying to manage internal overload, not my beloved.

In an ideal world:

Every difficult discussion would take place in a candle-lit room decorated in a minimalist Japanese-traditional/Scandinavian-modern style over cups of hot tea with a view of nature outside. We could each discuss our perspective on the situation under discussion, meditate for a while and then have a really good meal. Having slept on the issue and allowed our subconscious minds to engage with what we have heard, we could then collaborate on mutually agreeable approaches to ameliorate the problem and make a better future together.

Oh wait, you are asking for practical advice! If you can swing the Scandinavian-modern Japanese tea house thing, I'm sure it would help, but just remember what you like about each other and what lead you to be friends and lovers in the first place. When stress is high, cultivate joy.


I agree with all of this so much. Your ideal world difficult discussion sounds amazing. I mean, down to the decor and everything. I'm forwarding this to my husband because you said it better than I ever could. Thank you.


Thank you! It makes me happy to know that another person enjoyed this!
I wish the best to both of you.