Practical help from fellow parents?

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I need help. Tonight I am losing it-and it's about to be ugly if some little people don't be quiet for the love...

For some background, I am a mom of 3 in my early 30's. Our 5-year-old is PDD-NOS with SID. We just started this whole cycle of therapy for her and for me (PTSD) and the kids are in school. I was unofficially officially diagnosed with Aspergers a couple of weeks ago and it's been a huge relief, BUT...I have realized that my constant need to please everyone is slowly killing me. I have become a wretch of a human being over the last year because I give every single ounce of me plus 5 extra and then I blow my s**t.

Sooooooo...I have been trying to be very concientious of what I spend my "spoons" on and trying to be very graceful with myself about needing to do less. Today was the first nice day we have had in a long time and everyone was itching to get out. There were items we really needed to get, but as soon as we pulled up to the store I knew it was about to be hell. I was already overloaded. Sure enough, tonight I am completely drained and my 2 NT kids don't seem to understand the meaning of "MOMMY IS ABOUT TO FREAKING EXPLODE, SO SHUTUP!"

And frankly, I feel horrid because I feel like they shouldn't have to know that. At any rate, how do you make it all work? How do you respect your own limitations and yet still get things done that *need* to be done. We can't go without groceries or other essential items and I can't expect young children to be okay staying inside of an apartment for days on end. We are also all very used to constantly being on the run because our lives have been chaos lately.

Oh, and I have no help because we are in a new place and my husband is deployed. So really, practical ideas on how to make sure you aren't overstimulated CONSTANTLY?
Thanks!

You say you have no help...I do understand your overstimulated frustration, and before you have a meltdown keep trying to find help.
Is there ANYONE available to babysit some of your kids through any contacts you can get because your husband is deployed (I'm thinking he is in the military?)...Getting some mommy 'alone time out' is one of the most valuable things you can do for your children and for yourself. Having a child with a diagnosis as well...are there any support groups you can access through the people who did the diagnosis? Sometimes there is a social service and family group through a church as well. You have to ask for help!

Oh and one more tip...do almost everything you can to avoid taking all your children into a grocery/toy/department store at the same time - there is no reason for a child to be in a store. They have no money and no common sense when they see all that STUFF! These places are confusing and overwhelming enough without having a gaggle of vulnerable little ones begging for everything they see (stores are designed to do this)..

I did my best at shopping and other necessary outings when I had no kids tagging along, or at the most only one (good for one on one time)...I would do special family outings to parks, playgrounds and other naturally non-commercial environments..I either would get a babysitter for other times, or go when they were in school, or even when they were all asleep in the middle of the night.

I don't know if this is practical nowadays, but once my eldest was twelve, I would have her babysit. I would tell her that I would be going out after she and her sisters had gone to bed, the hours I'd be gone and the numbers to call if there was an emergency - with cell phones nowadays, this is even more do able. 24 hour grocery stores are wonderful. She would know that if she or her sisters woke up and mommy was not home, not to panic - She was in charge and officially the babysitter, I was out at the grocery store and I'd be back soon. I did not like doing this, it made me nervous and I was never gone for more than it took to zip through my list and scoot back home. This was also back in the eighties and no one thought I was being irresponsible...and yes,as a single mom - I really did not have many other options. I finally got more help by trading sitting times with a neighbor in a similar situation, and this was the best solution.

In my opinion, stores and children are a very bad combo - and the mall? That's a hell all on its own. I guess your kids are younger than this, and with a special needs child my solution probably won't work...just do everything you can to find a sitter for some of them when you have to go to a store.

Thank you for understanding! Our girls are in school all week (although this coming week is spring break, and I think I am having a lot of anxiety over it, because they all want to go do something) and my little guy goes to a sitter 3 days/week so I can do my physical therapy, PTSD therapy and 1 day of cleaning up and "rest." I really do need to be more organized so that I can make the most of the times they are all 3 out of the house.

My husband is deployed, but he's a contractor, so no bennis or help from the military world, unfortunately.

Our oldest is 9.5, so I can't leave them yet, but that does seem like a good idea once she is older. Our 5yo is very high functioning, so there's no worry there. They take good care of each other, they are all really sweet kids.

I think I was just in full meltdown mode because I expect too much out of myself and am not very good at organizing my time yet. Time management has never been a strong suit for me.

I am also very lonely here. I really miss just sitting with my husband and having someone CLOSE but not having to fill space with chit chat. Everyone I am getting to know here, be it the sitter or the other parents from school it's all about the "getting to know you" chit chat, so I find myself very burnt out on human interaction, yet needing it more than ever .

amazon. amazon, amazon, amazon. And grocery delivery. The less time you spend in stores with small children, the better.

How long will your husband be deployed? And do you have a support network anywhere else?

We do actually order from Azure Standard (online grocery type) but I tend to need to see it in my face before I can really judge what I need?? Kinda crazy, I'm sure.

There really isn't a support network anywhere. Our family is not uber helpful (uhhh, really not helpful at all) and live in various parts of the country, so until he comes home (this summer) this is really the best place for us, since we at least have a couple people we know, a good school and access to fabulous doctors. I know I need to go find another church (this is the closest we've come to having supports is being involved at churches) but I'm not sure I have the energy for making new friends right now?

I would love to get better at meal planning and maybe even once a month cooking. I feel like I would do better with this if I had a friend helping me with it. Maybe this will be my guidance in seeking friends. If I have a goal in mind, then it should be easier, I would think.

Makes sense, but can be mitigated. There are some things you buy over & over, and you have a pretty good sense of how much you go through every week. Write down a list of those items and just make it a standard delivery. Veg, fruit, bread, dairy, meats, drinks, treats, cooking staples, frozen foods, paper products. Worst thing that happens is you wind up with some extra and can stop deliveries for a week while you use up what you've got.

Mothers' helpers while you're home with the kids can be super, super helpful. An 11- or 12-year-old learning to babysit can be gold -- you're there if she needs help, but otherwise she's got the kids covered while you're taking care of the house/yourself, and the 9.5-yo doesn't feel like it's her job all the time to take care of the littles -- she can get some peace and quiet, too.

Don't ever let anyone make you feel ashamed of hiring help even though you're "not working". Anyone with three young kids and a deployed husband is working ALL THE TIME. You're always the person on call, someone always needs something, and you're arranging everything.

Spring break camps, too. My daughter's going to a wilderness camp all week. She's gone to Girl Scout sleepaway since she was almost 8, and this year she'll be at a 3-week sleepaway. (Mommy will take a vacation.)

Maybe during one of your sitter days each week there's a mom's group or cooking group you can go to? Also, don't underestimate help from the moms at school -- I'd be lost without our fantastic principal and some of the moms there. If the guidance counselor is nice, you can talk to him/her and see if you get any suggestions that way, too.

Finally, be nice to yourself. Allow yourself to be disorganized sometimes and schlep along. They'll grow up fine anyway. I'm looking around here and it's madness, what hasn't gotten done. Stacks of work, cleaning, camp forms, bills to pay...honey, it's too much for any mortal human. It's okay just to keep them fed and alive sometimes.

Oh, also, about the NTishness and chaos -

It's also okay to train them in where and when jumping/howling/shrieking etc. are allowed. If the answer is "not in the house after 7:30 pm", that's fine. This will not kill them. The volume on noisemaking appliances can be turned down or they can use headphones (at volumes that cause minimal hearing loss). It's okay to limit the number of children allowed in the house at once, you will not be crippling them socially that way. It's okay to throw the older ones out of the house with a water bottle and snack and cellphone and say "go play, here are your boundaries". Odds are good that the girls already have some sort of noise-level-rating-scale thing they're familiar with from school: if so, use it. Level two voices. Level zero voices until 7 pm or go out to the yard. Etc.

It's their house, yes, but it's your house. And you have to take care of yourself first. It's okay for them to know that you need a lot of quiet and calm, and it's okay to enforce it so long as it's done reasonably and kindly and they understand the rules.

Thank you very much! I really *do* need to be nicer to myself.

One of the biggest things that helped me, is instead of fighting with the issue I took advantage of it.

If your trying to do chores around the home, and all the kids wants is attention, it gets really frustrating, esp when you end up feeling their just messing it up while your trying to do things. much depends on the kid's ages, while I only have my one child. but what I done was started practicing attachment parenting while he was young, and moved into a more love and logic stile as he grows. I involved him in things, not just cleaning, but cooking and other things, I let him participate in the things I was doing, make him feel useful. children, esp young children want vary much to be just like you, they look up to parents and adults and want to be more like them and have their approval, but gets upset when they feel they always can do no good if their always getting yelled at. in the ways your children wants to be more like you or an adult feed that by trying to involve them. you become less frustrated because your not chasing after them or ordering them about while doing what you need to do, and the child becomes much more manageable when older instead of always wanting to be rebellious, and they learn more life skills. as for the constant chatter, I think thats never ending until they become more teen and independent like.

Thank you! I think we probably have similar parenting strategies. I am normally pretty "hands on" with the kids and really do try to incorporate them into what I'm doing. I find that lately (since my husband has been gone, unfortunately) I have less and less patience for it. They do very much want my attention, so I have been trying to find more little things for us to be engaged in that don't overwhelm me so much. Like yesterday we put all the stickers in their passports from Disney World and talked about how it was when we went. I got to sit and listen to them, they had fun and it turned out pretty awesome.

Bedtime is still a mystery to me, though. I have begun to almost completely exit from that whole scenario, because every way I've tried it it usually ends up traumatizing for all of us. *sigh*

Tell them its bed time an hour earlier, my kid likes to fuss and it sometimes takes an hour more to get him to bed, so I tell him sooner. also, when needed, I use Melatonin, its non addicting and works great, doctor recommended. just don't use it allot unless you have too otherwise the kids may start to think they need it to sleep, and so start taking interest in the assistance (and excuse of) of drugs.

A nice cup of hot chocolate or warm milk, and a warm bath, does wonders at times too.