Losing Parents

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... wondering if anyone here has gone through this yet and if so, how did you cope?

My dad died 8 years ago. My mom died last June. Both deaths were very traumatic for me, but I was able to function normally after dad passed away.
Since mom died, I feel like I have been getting worse, not better as time passes.

Right now, today, I am to the point where I can only do the absolute essentials: feeding my animals, keeping myself clean, and going to work.
I don't want to cook, don't want to eat (although I do eat mostly crap food so I don't have to cook), don't want to do one single thing that I used to enjoy doing.
I've been staying in bed later in the morning. When I get home from work, I put my pj's on and do nothing.
I don't drink, smoke, or take any drugs - and don't want to.
I think, basically, I have lost the will to live.

For me, I think it is a double whammy - losing mom, and, facing the harsh reality that what happened to her is soon going to happen to me - except - she had excellent health insurance, a good SS check every month, and me to take care of her.
The reality of my situation is hopeless.
I keep asking myself, what is the f***ing point?

Sorry for the depressing post. Usually when I get in these moods, I snap out of it in a few days. This time there is no snap.

How have others handled the death of a parent?

My mom died suddenly about 19 months ago. I was very non-functional for at least 6 months. I had to rely on a support network for remembering to eat, or to take my meds, bathing, etc. I had to focus on each day on getting up, doing my daily actives (hygiene/grooming, eating, etc) one day at a time. I needed a strict schedule and routine to stick to.

Having a support network is important (family, a few friends/acquaintances). It gets easier with time but that is a lot of time and the pain can sneak up and hit you at anytime.

I lost both my parents twenty years ago when I was 32. They had both been sick for about five years before they died, so I was expecting it but it was still a shock. You never really believe it's going to happen until it happens, however overwhelming the proof is that they're not going to recover.

Right after my mom died (my father had died six weeks before) I felt a sense of relief that her suffering was over.

But also, I kept thinking about how I was an orphan now. It wasn't as bad as if I'd been a child, but I was surprised it mattered so much to me at my age then. It felt like my safety net had been removed and I had no one to help me or advise me. One of my grandparents was still alive and for years I went over to her house for supper and to visit about two or three times a week, so there was still some connection to people. So mostly I worked, visited her, came home, paid bills and coasted.

It seemed to hit me harder several years after. Every fall (when they both died), I notice I get very down for the few weeks before the anniversary of my mom's death. Some years I get more down than others. There doesn't seem to be a pattern to it (IE, that I would have less depression as the years go by). I mostly just wait it out and it breaks after the anniversary passes.

I don't know that my story helps you. I'm not in favor of medicating, I feel like it blunts feelings that have to be worked through before they can be handled. And that once the medication stops, all the grief that was suppressed would come back even worse for being blunted. That's why some people end up on anti depressants for life. Maybe you could find a counseling/support group?

It was after my grandmother died three years ago that I finally faced up to my oddness, realized I probably had Asperger's and joined a support group. That's helped my loneliness and it's comforting to be around people who have similar problems. I still miss my mom and grandmother, but it's faded a lot with time. Except during those weeks in the fall.

I am so sorry for your loss...
Thank you for sharing with me.

Where you were for the first six months is where I am now - totally opposite of how I was during her illness and after her death.
For the seven years she lived next door to me, we were inseparable, so to speak. We went shopping every weekend and I saw her every night. From the moment she had the stroke, my responsibilities were exponentially ramped up... I went to see her twice a day, made all the medical decisions, and planned for her recovery and the day she would be able to come home (that never happened). It was six weeks of hyper-alert, hyper-executive decision-making - and I am confident that I handled it all well, probably better than any NT could have done.

After she died, it was the same - up until about a month ago, when my "shut down" began to creep up on me. I was constantly trying to decide what to keep, what to give away, of her things and also trying to do the same with my things so that what I had left would reasonably fit into one house - and trying to decide which house that should be.

The past winter months were a major challenge with double expenses (and minus her income); trying to cut back expenses in both homes, but not being able to cut off completely in the old house because my cats are still there (just a stones throw away, literally, from this house). I was able to accomplish this without going bankrupt. Thankfully.

Now that things, animals, and houses are sorted, and the big bills have been paid, I guess my body/mind is telling me ENOUGH! and has just gone into "power-saving mode."???
Does this sound reasonable to you?

I don't feel suicidal, at all, but I am very sad and depressed. I guess that's normal?

That is horrible - to lose both parents in the same year!
You are so right about not believing the inevitable. I was planning her return home right up to her last week, when the Dr. said it was time to consider Hospice (which we did, but in the hospital). I kept telling her, "Mom, this is temporary, just 'till you are strong enough to come home." I don't know if she believed me or not; she was paralyzed on the right side, couldn't swallow, or talk.


Yes! Exactly!
My support system is gone - along with the unconditional love that went with it. It's a very scary feeling and one I doubt will ever go away.


Could be what's happening to me... she had the stroke April 27 and died June 9. That time of year again....

Yes, hearing someone elses experience helps a lot. No, no support groups around here, that I am aware of. I don't think I would do well, or feel comfortable in a "group" anyway.


There is a psychologist about 90 minutes from here. I am trying to get up the nerve to call him and make an appointment.

Thank you, again, for sharing with me. It does help... especially to be reminded that I am not the only person who has gone, or is going through this.

Lost my dad when I was in my early twenties. It took about two years for my reaction to fully set in. for the first 6 months I was dealing with things on autopilot then the reactions set in. I felt like a steam boiler with too much pressure--like I was going to explode.I had to drop out of school, because I just couldn't do it.

Then my sister died. And that was also terribly, terribly sad.

Actually, just thinking about it, I can't write any more. More later.

I am so sorry, both for you loss and for making you think of it again.

I still haven't been able to make sense of it, and every time I try and think about those six weeks it's like reliving it all over again.
I've never been able to deal well with death, or to see anyone suffer and to watch it happen to my father, and then my mother, is just more than I can handle.

I tell you what, I look at older people in a whole new light now... just imagining how many friends and loved ones they had to watch die during their life time and how much sorrow they must be carrying around with them.
How do they do it??

Hi,

My dad died about a year and a half ago and my stepfamily who I thought loved me, dragged me through the cruelest most inhumane treatment.

Terrible time and still getting over it. Not much help sorry, but I totally feel some of what you're going through....

Take care.

I am so sorry about your dad and what you had to go through. Would it help you to talk about it?

The lady at the funeral home warned me... she said she has seen some really ugly behavior between family when a member dies. My half brothers wife, who I never met, sent me a nasty letter, "and, by the way, wheres the jewelry?"

I can relate. I lost my dad about 8 months ago. Three years earlier I lost my mom. I'm in my late 30's but I feel so, so lost. I'm kind of stuck on their deaths but haven't actually really, truly grieved. Amidst this turmoil I also ended a 10 year serious romantic relationship (partly due to events after my mom passed), had to put down a couple of beloved pets who were very ill (never had to do that before in my life) and I was laid off from my job. All in a three year time span.

I'm actually having a hard time functioning and feeling very guilty about my sense of loss. I'm too old to feel like an orphan, right?

I was closer to my mom than my dad but the breakdown of my coping capabilities started when she passed, rather suddenly. When my dad passed even more suddenly, I initially tried to take it in stride as much as possible. I paid for the burial, I got all the stuff organized that was needed. It's not until now that I'm starting to feel the sense of "what has happened?" and the reality of this huge hole in my life and support system. There is so much I should have talked to them about and asked more questions. I learned many things and events that were secrets that came out after they were gone and I just want to know why I didn't know these things or understood them better when they were here.

I thank you for this topic to express some of what I feel and it's a bit of a relief to know I'm not alone. I have siblings that are older but they are so much older that we are not that close. They seem to be doing better than I am, but they have families and I'm alone. And jobless. And purposeful-less.

I'm doing some soul-searching on my own. I'm seeing a therapist. So far there's very little progress. I wish all who are going through similar emotions some peace.

You're never too old to feel like an orphan.

I read a book that came out a few years after my parents died, called Motherless Daughters. The author wrote about the affects of losing a mother at different stages of a woman's life, and how the loss of a mother echoes throughout the rest of a woman's lifetime.

One interview was with a woman in her seventies who'd lost her mother only a few years before. I remember the woman saying how people told her she was lucky to have had her mother for so long. She said she appreciated that, but it didn't make her grief now any less.

No matter how much you try, you can't help forgetting some questions you should have asked.

One thing I've noticed over the past twenty years. Things happen, and I wonder what my mom would have thought of them. Or some people I've met over the years. I wonder what she'd have had to say about them. I used to look to my mother to interpret things for me that I didn't understand and relied on her opinions about people. We didn't know about Asperger's when she was alive so we didn't know why I needed help. I don't know how many times I've wished I could ask her opinion.

And also, things like menopause. She told me (years after she went through it) some things. But from going through it, I have things to ask that I didn't know to ask her about back then.

You won't stay that way. Things will change. You'll make plans to help change them.

I can't think of any words to express how bad I feel for you and what you went through. Sending virtual hugs, though. Having to take a pet to the vets office for the last time is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do - second only to losing Mom and Dad.

No... we ARE orphans, abandoned by our parents - even though they had no choice in the matter - we are still orphans.

I know that feeling... I feel like I didn't really know my parents at all... and now it's too late.
I think it's that "support system" and unconditional love that I miss the most. That makes me really, really scared: being suddenly forced to fly without a safety net. Literally scares me to death.


I wish I had the magic words to make you feel better, or the ability to tell you things will get better.

Lots of hugs.

Thank you, both, for your very kind and helpful replies. I appreciate it. *hugs*

"If I only knew then what I know now..."

I'm wondering...

I know it's said that Aspies are lacking in empathy and tend to be unemotional, but for me, I feel that I am just the opposite... although, like a Vulcan , I try real hard to keep it hidden from others.

Do you think Aspies, in general, have a harder time dealing with death than the average NT does?

Anti depressants will make it easier for you to handle this.

I am on Cytalopram and don't think i could cope without it.

If I lost my parents I would find it extremely difficult / impossible so recommend you get on them ASAP.

While it might numb the pain it also makes day to day living MUCH easier.

THis will allow you to function at least and be happier than you would without, a no brainer if you ask me.

Therapy, friends, distractions will also help.

It's important to grieve though, it's your bodies way of accepting and death is part of life which is beautifully sad.

LOVE is the answer, love from a lover, relative, friend, stranger.

Then falling in LOVE is the antidote

Having a kid, well that will give you back the unconditional love you lost

I wish you a long life and trust you will get through this seemingly impossible challenge with some help from yourself, your friends and a little white pill that takes the pain away. It might be artificial but hey, we are aspies and the symptoms of being so are kinda "artificial" too

Get all the help you can get, tomorrow is another day. Dare to dream. Your parents made you, you are a part of them, they are always with you.

i am very, very sorry to hear of your loss.

i've only lost one parent, i was 25, he was 82 (my dad). Died very suddenly of a stroke, but not his first stroke. We were not close, but i was devastated. devastated.

i was very lucky in that i was actually working for a hospice at the time and involved in group therapy, so i got an incredible amount of support.

what i remember was not being able to make simple decisions, like which shoes to wear. it was like my frame of reference had been removed. i was just walking around in shock and in a daze.

i don't know how i would have handled it without so much help and support. nobody could take away my pain and grief, but i was never left alone. since i suffered most of my life from major depression, i cannot imagine what it would have been like if i'd been left to sink in my pain. i know what intractable despair feels like. all i can tell you is it shapes your perceptions in a specific way that is not necessarily your reality, but is very hard to get perspective.

what i would suggest is get yourself to a grief support group or grief therapist as soon as you can. if you don't have coverage, find it on the internet, or find some free care in your area. call a local hospice and ask for suggestions. maybe someone can provide some pro bono support, or there are some peer support groups in your area.

i'm glad you posted on this because it means you are reaching out and i am happy to reach back. PM me if you like. I won't try to talk you out of your feelings, and i can sit with them with you. i'm no stranger to pain.