Trauma after trying desperately to fit in with NTs?

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Hi!
I'm a newbie here and I hope my question makes sense to you: (to all of you who have been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome as adults) have you felt traumatized after having realized as an adult that you have had Asperger's Syndrome all along and have tried to bend over backwards trying to live like the average NT? And if you used to try hard to fit in, did/do you find it scary to sort of find your way back to your natural Aspie way of being? I guess what I'm trying to say is do you find it necessary but hard to shed all/some of the social hypervigilance and mimicry you've been practicing before?

I was diagnosed as a child, but the only thing that changed was that I was given more support in school. I grew up pressured to be emotional, responsive, and interested in others for the sake of being interested. To compliment and harmonize, not analyze and stand strong on what matters. To never challenge or debate but to be sensitive and inoffensive. Even most here on WrongPlanet fit the bill more than I do, although I can easily act my way through simple situations.

I spent over 10 years in a depression and often struggled with anxiety, as well. The day I stopped caring about being harmonious and nice they both went away, and I'm feeling better than ever now. I even made new friends who are like me and the experience is helping me to heal two decades of repression and anger.

I think that counts for emotional trauma. I still use the social techniques, but only if I'm curious, I care about the person, or I want/need something.

Though I was diagnosed at the age of six, I heavily rejected much of the special treatment I was given for most of my school career, and during my early to mid teen years, I even went through a "denial" period where I was convinced that I was just an NT who ended up in an unlucky situation. It wasn't until I was 16 that I started realizing what being an aspie was all about, and I eventually grew to embrace it. At the same time however, I realized just how much I screwed up my life by trying to be an NT. To this day, I still have issues with anxiety, depression, lack of motivation, and just general awkwardness, on my own and in social situations.

Diagnosed at 11, moved away from home at 24. When I moved to a new town, I spent a good year isolated due to working afternoons. When I got to day shifts, I got out and socialized and I guess it was then it hit me that something was defintely wrong in a social sense. It was then I had to change the direction I was going in if I was ever going to be more accepting of myself and joyful. Depression and anxiety played its role in my life, as well as "low frustration tolerance" (fancy way of saying "anger management issues").

Yes, and it's very hard to escape trauma you've been a part of inflicting on yourself, along with many of the decent people you've encountered. Trying to adapt becomes second nature, and it's useful, but also exhausting and in the end not enough. Having a reasonable life does mean finding some acceptance of oneself as one is, and not just for the efforts to fit in. I like the way you put that, it describes my experience well.

I stopped trying to fit in. I realize that I never will be able to. I also keep being hyper-vigilant. I don't want to alienate myself by making a social mistake. I don't feel traumatized. I am angry because I feel like I wasted a lot of time. I am scared now that I have a diagnosis, am less willing to take the risks that I took when I thought I was NT. I am more self-accepting now because I don't have the power to change my AS. I have to learn to deal with it.

I want to thank you all for taking the time to reply, really appreciate it <3 I am undiagnosed, still processing things and daunted by the task ahead: trying to explain things coherently to NT health professionals.

"To compliment and harmonize, not analyze and stand strong on what matters. To never challenge or debate but to be sensitive and inoffensive."

...to be what people think a girl should be...

I'm NT and this stuff didn't fit with me either.

I've just recently started learning about myself and ASD with the help of a behavior analyst. I've been trying, unsuccessfully, to connect with others my entire life and learning that I won't be able to in the way I had always hoped has been terribly upsetting. I've been taking daily walks that always result in tears running down my face. It's also been wonderful to stop trying to connect like an NT and incredible to look back through my life with some new understanding about why certain things have been so hard. This isn't what I wanted but instead of being like a blif woman staring into the darkness, hoping to see a sunrise, I can move on and be ...something else.

I wish I hadn't tried so hard to be a 'good girl'. It never worked anyway, and it still only ever backfires, and I don't even know who I really am most of the time.

It makes oh so much sense.

When I got diagnosed last year at age 55 it was pure joy and relief followed by things making sense including a lot of things other posters discussed that I had long since forgotten. After decades of holding it in at all costs, trying prevent people from seeing parts of me at all costs I am first stating to realize what these costs are. At times I am unsure if I am acting or it is the real me with added skills. I pushed aside all emotions until I was numb. It worked in the sense that I survived and am here. I have made progress. It is nice to feel and be human again but I still have a ways to go. I have not really cried since I was a little kid. I don't know if this makes sense but I almost psychically feel my true aspie-autistic self trying to desperately trying to escape from the prison he was put in. I am trying to pull him out but just can't quite do it. I should get professional help with this but I used up the funds getting diagnosed. Having this feeling of being so close but yet so far the last few months has been frustrating and scary. Writing this down really helped a lot. I feel much better now.

Thank Milicent for starting this important thread. Fellow posters, some of you wrote about inflicting yourself. I started to write similar language and realized that made it sound like it was our fault. We did what we had to do to survive. With our limited knowledge there was no other realistic choice. But now we have the explanation and the opportunity to become ourselves. Scary but exciting also.

I've always felt very different from others, so it would not be a surprise to me if I indeed get diagnosed as AS. The problem for me would be to handle others' reactions to it. It was one thing when I was living by myself, but now there is extended family, parents at the childrens' school, work colleagues etc to consider. In a way I have painted myself in a corner. Most people I've met would probably not guess what I'm struggling with, as I've learned to act well a certain way that's socially acceptable.

I grew up with an older sister who is treated as a "golden child", so much of success and who gets a say in the family has been modelled after her. So in a way I have always strived for a life that's been impossible for me to attain. My sister was invited to a lot of parties, extremely popular. In contrast I didn't have a GF until I was 28.