Complicated Situation

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Hi folks,

So life is being a bit tricky at the moment and I find myself in need of some impartial advice.

I'm married, have been for a few years now. Recently my (step)father-in-law was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer, we'll call him Bob for the sake of this post. We are not close, and my wife isn't particularly close to him either, but she is very close to her mother.

Bob is a fairly arrogant man, I suspect quite insecure. He is very Alpha male, sexist, slightly racist and the most important thing in his life is the football team he supports. In short, we have little in common and he has made little effort to get to know me in the ten years I have known him, and to be fair, I haven't made much of an effort either. He is by nature quite a self centered man, everything has to be his way, wife tied to the kitchen sink, meals on time and he always knows best. I don't pretend to know what the mother in law sees in him, but they have been together for twenty-five years. They are both in their sixties.

Unfortunately, since his diagnosis, he has gotten a lot worse. He's yelling at the mother-in-law a lot, out drinking every night, saying quite a lot of hurtful things to her and spending money like it's going out of fashion (they have quite a lot of debt as it is). Not spending any time with his wife, giving my wife grief about 'how much his has given up for the family'. Mother-in-law doesn't have the best mental health as it is - history of depression and she is getting worse daily.

Now, my initial Aspie reaction to this is to sit the guy down and set him straight - a few home truths as it were, no holds barred - including the fact that the woman he is being so very unpleasant to, is the one who will end up deciding whether he dies at home or in a hospice. I'm generally a speak as I see it kind of guy, but for the sake of family harmony, I have let Bob get away with quite a lot over the years - I basically leave him to it. Please don't misunderstand, I feel for Bob, he has maybe six months left, I've lost family to cancer before, I have a pretty good idea of what is ahead of him - but in my opinion, that doesn't give him free reign to be even more of a prick than usual.

So I guess that is my question. Do I challenge Bob over his behaviour, tell him to stop being such a nab noxious s**t for once in his life or do I leave it and let the families lasting memory of him being a pretty sour one?

Thanks for any advice.

I dont' know. This is tricky because he may be acting out and yelling at people because of his own insecurities about dying. This reminds me of when my Grandfather was dying. He was a head-strong man throughout his life and I think that the feeling of losing his independence made him feel weak and useless and made him act out more than normal which was difficult for our family to deal with. I mean he was difficult to deal with anyway, but as he came closer to death he became more unreasonable. It was the only way he could sieze a little bit of control over his life.

I wonder if there is something you can do with him that will make him feel useful. I can't think of anything off the top of my head. Rather than tell him he's being a jerk, because he is probably angry about his situation and is sharing that pain with anyone and everyone by making thier lives miserable too. Is there any way to get him to focus on a positive task that the family can do together?

Has your wife got any brothers?

I wouldn't try to intervene with him in any way.

My thinking is this:

People like that don't like advice in any situation, so his response is going to be negative.
He would probably feel criticism of his behavior is a kind of attack and the best defense is a strong counterattack.
This reaction will be fueled by the huge amount of emotional energy that facing his death has poured into his psyche. Added to this, he will already know on some level that his behavior is unacceptable and this will provide extra emotional energy.
A good fight with you will probably take his mind off his upcoming extinction, so there is fair chance he will be really dedicated to hurting you in response.

But all that might be worth it if you were protecting your wife in some way.

Would that happen, though? How would a no-holds-barred vicious fight between you and her dad impact her emotionally? Would she be bolstered by the sense that you were defending her or just feel that you had thrown a bomb into a delicate and difficult situation? Would she then be having to worry about the conflict between you and not just her own reactions to her father's mortality? This might not be perceived as a favor.

Would a conflict with him stop any of the bad behavior that you have identified? If not, what would be the point?

I would focus on supporting your wife emotionally. Maybe buy her some time at a day spa. Take her for a nice meal away from all the stress with her family. Be more helpful and less demanding. Take some of her daily load off her shoulders for the duration. My guess is that focusing on supporting your wife directly will do positive good, while "supporting" her indirectly by fighting with her dad has a low probability of doing any good and could make things worse in all sorts of ways.

You might also take care of yourself as much as you can. Death isn't easy for anyone.

Yeah, I agree with Adamantium. You're also likely to get your MIL riled because you've upset her dying husband. She'll side with him, not you, and then your wife's in the middle.

It won't go on forever. In the meantime, just help your MIL however she wants to be helped. If she's put up with this from him for decades, you can be sure she'll erase this time from the loop as soon as he's gone, and remember what she wants to remember.