Help me please!! ! Husband has Aspergers

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Hi everyone,

I apologize in advance for the length of this post. I recently discovered that my husband has Aspergers. I've known for a long time that something was up with him but since we've been married and had a baby things have really gone down hill. I do EVERYTHING around the house and took a year out of my MSW degree to take care of our daughter. This wouldn't be so bad if my husband provided financially for us but I am using my savings to pay for half of everything. Its completely a one sided relationship. My ex-boyfriend who I was with for 7 years also had Aspergers but was so completely different to my husband that I didn't recognize the same signs in him. My ex was very shy and socially awkward and initially I felt sorry for him and just wanted to be friends. Somehow he ended up moving in to my place within a month and I fell in love with him. My husband on the other hand is very outgoing and sociable despite some minor issues with social cues. The common theme with both of them is lack of responsibility, constant criticism and negativity, lack of empathy, and lack of emotional depth with conversations. They also both have very low frustration tolerance.

I've worked with people who have Autism on the lower functioning side for a long time so I'm a little surprised I didn't pick up on this earlier (although obviously autism is very different to aspergers). We went to couples therapy because things were so bad (I was a full time student with a newborn and no help from husband). He made us quit therapy because he didn't like what the therapist had to say. Its been about 2 mths since we quit therapy and last week I called the therapist to ask if he thought my husband had Aspergers. He said its quite possible and listed a number of things to support that view. He said it may not be a good idea to tell my husband directly since he is so extremely defensive and instead I should address each issue separately and then take accountability for issues he has with me. The therapist also said knowledge about one's condition is very powerful and can help them overcome many of their difficulties. So I decided to ask my husband whether he was ever diagnosed or had a possible diagnosis of Aspergers when he was younger. He had told me that as a child he was very quiet and never spoke until adolescence when he received speech therapy. He said they tested him for things like ADHD but nothing showed up.

When I mentioned this possibility to him he started acting really strange and distant. I told him that I love him for who he is and would never abandon him over something like this. He always made fun of people with autism and aspergers so I can only imagine how he must have felt to hear this. I told him the negative things he sees in the media about people with aspergers are very isolated cases and most people are perfectly capable of functioning in relationships and society. Since I told him he has been acting even more distant than usual so I asked him what was up. He said that there is something seriously wrong with me and I need to get psychological help because I think he has Aspergers. He had an explanation for every sign or symptom that I mentioned and somehow managed to put it back on me and make it my fault.

Since I mentioned getting a divorce last year he has completely changed towards me and even more so now that I mentioned the Aspergers. He used to be affectionate and always tell me how beautiful I am. Now he doesn't even want to be around me and its like I'm just a room mate (or live in nanny). I do still love him but this relationship is killing me inside. He clearly loves our daughter and is wonderful at playing with her which makes it harder for me to leave him. I suggested couples therapy again with a different therapist but he said he will consider it only after I get help myself. I think he is scared that the therapist may pick up on the Aspergers so he is trying to avoid it. He doesn't want to get divorced but I don't see how we will move forward. I feel exhausted, lonely, and at a complete loss. Is there anyway to help him come to terms with this diagnosis? How likely is it to have a successful marriage when one partner has Aspergers? Any advice on what I should do?

Thanks,
Sarah

If his "price" for going to couples therapy is for you to get your own counseling, I'd go ahead and do it. Maybe he really thinks you need it, or maybe it's a stalling tactic, or maybe it's just him being a jerk ("No, YOU'RE crazy, not me"), but getting it can't hurt you and it'll show him that you're serious about what you want from him.

There two issues here.

One, he doesn't want to go to therapy and doesn't think there's anything wrong with him, and doesn't want the criticism. So I would bet money that even if you met his conditions, he'd still flake.

Two, you have a real problem when it comes to divorce. You don't say where you are, but if you're in the US and you're employed and he's not, and he's good with the child, odds are not terrible that he'll be the custodial parent. You really need to talk to a knowledgeable -- and I stress knowledgeable -- divorce lawyer about this. Even if he's not custodial, if he wants shared care, he may wind up getting it. Then your daughter's spending half her life in his care alone (or with whoever he takes up with). Oh, and you'll be paying child support.

If I were you, I would start documenting the problems now, though I can tell you that "doesn't lift a finger" won't be enough to change what I wrote above. The bar for custodial parents is quite low. You may also need to change how you work in order to show yourself to be an exemplary parent.

As for the AS -- it's entirely possible to have comorbid conditions: AS and as*hole. But I would refrain from diagnosing if I were you and focus on dealing with problems you can actually take care of. One thing to do is to downsize your life, since -- if you're living partially off savings -- this isn't sustainable.

ETA: I'm actually confused about the money situation. Is he working, he just doesn't pay more than "his half"?

Sarah I don't know you and there is nothing in what you've written that says Aspie. But I've noticed sometimes Aspie men partner with Aspie women. And when that happens things aren't always easy, misunderstandings and hurt feelings still occur. So I'm not asking related to you, just to that pattern of pairing up. Do you think you could have any broader autism phenotype or even have ASD yourself?

Sarah, pay no mind, the above is routine when someone who hasn't got autism starts talking about someone who has traits of both AS and assholery. It's a defensive thing. Anyway: I see your difficulty. The thing is, you really cannot count on a court to give you custody, particularly if your daughter has other family she's attached to here and your husband spends significant time playing with her -- even if you're overseeing it. That reads to the court as "great and involved dad", and if he wants custody, they will most certainly consider it. Since you both work, his employment won't be a factor. Undiagnosed AS will not be admissible; diagnosed AS is unlikely to do much for you if he's able to get along at a well-paid job. Things have changed a lot in custody in the last decade.

Frankly, even if you got custody, you'd still have problems. Your decree would likely require you to send your daughter to him for unsupervised visitation for several weeks each year. If he didn't want you around then, he could make you go away, hand her off at the airport and say goodbye. If your husband happened to be involved with someone less than stable, you'd be sending your daughter into the care of the two of them, again, for weeks at a time.

Even leaving aside the question of your daughter's growing up so far from her daddy, it's a tricky and expensive thing, international custody. Talk to knowledgeable lawyers where you are, but it may be better for your daughter if you just stay here.

It seems to me the two things you need to do right away -- because remember, he can file, too -- are to document his impatience with her and get your visa situation sorted. If recording someone else is legal in your state, and he's reliably terrible and angry about her crying, capture this and store the recording someplace away from home. And see about a work visa. At what point can you naturalize?

This is an odd thread.

It starts with, "Help me please!! ! Husband has Aspergers" and "I told him that I love him for who he is" and "I do still love him" and ? He clearly loves our daughter and is wonderful at playing with her"

Maybe I am missing something, but this entire discussion on custody strategy seems a bit extreme. As a parent, you should be doing whatever is in the best interest of your daughter. She didn?t ask to be brought into the world. And, in my opinion, you should consider her needs above all else.