Parents think my doc is a charlatan

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I have recently told my parents that I have received an official diagnosis and that I am an Aspie.
Their first reaction was to say that it is complicated and they don't believe it. Now I have learnt that they believe that I have been fooled by a quack doctor ("charlatan" is their word). For the record, my doc was trained in Australia by Tony Attwood (PhD student) and she is well recognized as an Asperger syndrome specialist in the Francophone community.
My parents also prefer to believe that my Autistic traits are part of my temper. That my almost absent social skills, selective mutism, meltdowns, extreme sensitivity to smells, sounds, history of anorexia nervosa, depression etc are nothing but part of an unpleasant temper.
They have been pretty abusive to me in so many ways during my childhood, not physically but mentally, thinking that giving me things/money was the way to make things right with me. Telling me every single day how absolutely everything was wrong with me...

Can't they believe my diagnosis? or maybe they don't want to believe it? But then, why? It explains everything that they thought so wrong about me, they should embrace it, don't you think?...

Have your parents read Tony Attwood's books? I believe that his Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome is very good. He has another book aimed at parents. Either book might help your parents come to respect him, your own doctor and you.

your parents have a history of being dismissive and abusive. the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. find somewhere else to get your validation from. why would you expect to get water from a dry well?

As you have accepted your diagnosis of Aspergers unfortunately you are going have to accept that your parents probably will never accept your diagnosis. I don't know your parents so all I can do is take a guess as to their reasons. The French communities have been one of the few remaining holdouts that still believe in the "refrigerator parents" causation theories of autism. That belief causes great shame so it would be understandable a parent would want to deny a diagnosis if they believe that diagnosis means that they were horrible parents.

Refrigerator mother or not parental denial of autism is common. So there is no need for you to deal with this alone. Your doc is probably very familiar with parental denial and can give you helpful ways to deal with this problem. Most posters are also experienced with this issue.

Thanks to all of you for the advices. The one that I always get is to get over it... I do not know why I cannot just do that.

I have requested from my parents that they communicate with me by e-mail but they simply ignore it and keep on calling, so I had to tell them that they should stop contacting me until they trust me and fully support me during this time that I have to adapt to the diagnosis.
My husband is also upset about all this because he does not think they will change their mind and he finds them abusive with my daughter (likely ASD also). My husband is a NT and he is the one communicating more easily with them (me, I can't do it, I was never able to talk properly with my parents face to face (or on the phone), words don't come out right or at the right moment or I get very upset, it gets dismissed, so it is better if I don't talk with them face to face at all)...

Isn't there anyone else whose parents were actually glad when their son or daughter were diagnosed with Asperger's, like mine? Seems all I hear is how terrible other people's parents are and how they either remain in denial or think their kid is a lost cause.

There was no aspergers when I was a kid, so that wasn't in issue. I scattered my father's ashes in the Atlantic long, long ago, so I can't say what his reaction would be. My mom has alzheimers and forgets within 10 minutes every time I tell her.

However, dredging through my memories and available documentation from my long ago childhood, I was interested to discover that they had rejected any suggestion that there might be something diagnosable about me. At the time when the counselors and therapists at school work doing all sorts of testing and training me in eye contact, my parents used to ridicule their reports about me, saying in essence that they didn't understand people like us because they were square and we were counterculture bohemians. They were both writers. Most of their friends were writers, musicians or artists. Not a lot of socially conventional people there.

But the Child Study Team report from 1978 was more explicit: they said I had a high IQ, but also an underlying processing disorder that showed up in mny areas. They noted my extreme interest in astronomy and lack of friends. The suggested a range of supports to compensate for the processing disorder and also suggested that I begin attending college classes as part of my freshman year in high school.

My parents rejected all of this because of the detail about the disorder."There is nothing wrong with you," they said. It's a shame. I really could have benefitted from the suggested modifications. In the end I got through High School but never graduated from college.

I almost made the same mistake with my son, passing on the gift of denial to a new generation. But in the end I used my cold, objective, analytical side to evaluate the evidence and support my warm emotional side in doing the best I could for him. That process led to his diagnosis and my own, 36 years after that Child Study Team did their work.

I can't really be even mildly annoyed with my parents over this. I understand exactly the powerful forces that pushed them to the decisions they made. I wish they had taken the advice of that team, but I accept that they did the best that they could. I recognize that their own autistic or BAP traits contributed to the way all that went down. Thinking about this makes me realize how intensely I still miss my dad.

Two things I'd like to say to you, Adele_

First, stop berating yourself for not being able to "just get over" your parents' obstinate rejection of your diagnosis. Second, don't assume they'll never come around. They might not, so don't hang all your hope (and self-esteem) on it happening; but don't give up on them either.

It's hard. Like Adamantium, the term Asperger's Syndrome didn't exist when I was young. My Child Study Team made observed the same in me as his did him, but concluded I needed to be institutionalized. That wouldn't have worked well because I've since studies the institution they wanted to send me to. After one meltdown they would have put me in the "violent building." Apart from my meltdowns I was a very passive and nonviolent child. The possible effects are chilling to this day for me to consider.

Fortunately, my dad was having none of it. He was in just as much denial as your parents probably are, but in that case it worked to my advantage since, as I said, no one could have possibly known in 1976 what the problem was with me.

If it's available to you, I would strongly suggest some kind of mindfulness training-- either MBSR, MBCT if available and affordable to you. If not, the website getsomeheadspace.com has a very good and affordable program that isn't tainted with religion or mysticism of any kind. MJy psychologist (also very well versed in ASD as well as the father of an ASD child) recommends MBSR highly and my own experience-- even before my diagnosis-- was very positive.

So be patient with your parents, but mostly with yourself. You are the only one you can directly influence so concentrate on that. Good luck!

.[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SPFQxXxDv6k[/youtube]
Show your parents this clip so they can see how a REAL charlatan runs his practice.

As for advice my parents are very similar. Our parents' attitudes are probably informed in part by AS traits. Rigidty black and white thinking etc. The reasons are not important really but the basic fact is that it may take a very long time to change their attitude and in my case even that would be ineffective. Sometimes we just have to sever all ties for our own sanity