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never his fault, can't be wrong, denies ever saying things,

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Gracie1
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18 Nov 2014, 11:13 am

Hello Everyone,

I am married for 17 years my husband who was finally diagnosed with Aspergers recently. Our marriage has been nothing but so extremely frustrating and difficult from day one. My husband's lack of being able to connect to me, the kids, no friends, his family had me baffled. He could be nice but an extreme a**hole as well. He had so many quirks and routines. I had no idea what the hell was wrong with him until my daughter started having some problems (stressed out from school and our family life) so we went to a therapist. In the discussions about what was going on in our home between my husband and I the Therapist asked if he had ever been tested for Aspergers? I was stunned, that had never crossed my mind but when I started reading about it he had so many of the traits or characteristics I knew it fit. I felt relieved as well because he always told me I was crazy for all my feelings. He was willing to go to therapy and get tested though and he was diagnosed with Aspergers and ADD.

What my problem is and why I'm at my wits end and seriously thinking of leaving him is his extreme behavior. Communication with him is impossible. I can't ask him to do anything, or make plans, or have a conversation with him without it ending up in a huge fight because he has misunderstood something. If I ask him to run an errand he will always do it wrong. For example if I ask him to go to the bank and put a $200 check in the bank but keep $50 out for cash he will do the exact opposite. Even if I ask him to repeat what I said (and most times he gets super pissed if I ask him to do that or write it down for him) He stills screws it up. So when he comes home and I see he did the opposite of what was asked and I confront him on it. He denies we ever talked about it. That it wasn't his fault. He'll deny that he confirmed knowing the directions. He gets in a rage and I just don't know how to handle it. This happens several times a week and I can't do this anymore. I have to do everything myself for this family. He doesn't even feel like a part of our family just a guy who lives here who is in his own little world.



cubedemon6073
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18 Nov 2014, 12:08 pm

Gracie1 wrote:
Hello Everyone,

I am married for 17 years my husband who was finally diagnosed with Aspergers recently. Our marriage has been nothing but so extremely frustrating and difficult from day one. My husband's lack of being able to connect to me, the kids, no friends, his family had me baffled. He could be nice but an extreme a**hole as well. He had so many quirks and routines. I had no idea what the hell was wrong with him until my daughter started having some problems (stressed out from school and our family life) so we went to a therapist. In the discussions about what was going on in our home between my husband and I the Therapist asked if he had ever been tested for Aspergers? I was stunned, that had never crossed my mind but when I started reading about it he had so many of the traits or characteristics I knew it fit. I felt relieved as well because he always told me I was crazy for all my feelings. He was willing to go to therapy and get tested though and he was diagnosed with Aspergers and ADD.

What my problem is and why I'm at my wits end and seriously thinking of leaving him is his extreme behavior. Communication with him is impossible. I can't ask him to do anything, or make plans, or have a conversation with him without it ending up in a huge fight because he has misunderstood something. If I ask him to run an errand he will always do it wrong. For example if I ask him to go to the bank and put a $200 check in the bank but keep $50 out for cash he will do the exact opposite. Even if I ask him to repeat what I said (and most times he gets super pissed if I ask him to do that or write it down for him) He stills screws it up. So when he comes home and I see he did the opposite of what was asked and I confront him on it. He denies we ever talked about it. That it wasn't his fault. He'll deny that he confirmed knowing the directions. He gets in a rage and I just don't know how to handle it. This happens several times a week and I can't do this anymore. I have to do everything myself for this family. He doesn't even feel like a part of our family just a guy who lives here who is in his own little world.


Can you please have him come on here and tell his side of the story so we can have an objective point of view? Your story is from your point of view and we can't give you answers without knowing all of the data. Thank You!

I have a few more questions for you?

1. When you asked him to go to the bank to deposit the $200 and keep $50 for cash how did you phrase it to him?

2. What do you mean by the exact opposite in this case? Do you mean he deposited $50 and kept $150?



elkclan
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18 Nov 2014, 12:21 pm

Hey Gracie,

I hear you! I know what it's like because I've lived like that for about that many years, too. The rages, the miscommunication, the absence from family life. I get it and I don't need any other 'data points' to understand how you feel.

I'm sorry you're going through this - feel free to PM me.

E



trollcatman
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18 Nov 2014, 12:21 pm

The messing up errands sounds a bit like executive dysfunction. Quite a few people with AS/ADD have problems with that. It is frustrating for them too because it sucks to fail at simple tasks, more so because these people don't understand WHY they fail at simple tasks when they are of normal intelligence. Maybe that is why he gets angry. Maybe it's easier to get him to do tasks in the house that are less complicated, or less of a problem when he messed it up? Take out the trash, mow the lawn, clean the bathroom. Things that can be done by routine. Also, many ADD people take ritalin to help them with concentration issues.



Gracie1
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18 Nov 2014, 12:35 pm

To the first responder of this post, I wish...he can't even order from fast food or take something back to customer service because he can't look people in the eye or talk to them. He does not like to communicate. He is not going to come on here and talk about his problems. plus the internet overwhelms him.

elkclan - Thank you.

trollcatman - Thanks I'll look up executive dysfunction. I figured this issue is due more to his ADD, but this is all new to me and I'm trying to learn how to deal with all this on my end to make our relationship better.

I just get so overwhelmed and so tried and frustrated. I feel like a single Mom with no emotional support from my husband and I feel like I have to treat him like a kid too.



cubedemon6073
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18 Nov 2014, 12:56 pm

Quote:
To the first responder of this post, I wish...he can't even order from fast food or take something back to customer service because he can't look people in the eye or talk to them. He does not like to communicate. He is not going to come on here and talk about his problems. plus the internet overwhelms him.


Well, with the fast food I can kind of relate. For me, when I have to order food except for myself I have a difficult time remembering all of the food I'm supposed to order in addition to what everyone wants. If he has to do it through the drive through, for me it is difficult to understand what the person is saying because sometimes it sounds garbled.

With the internet, I have no answer for that. I apologize for asking your age as I know it is impolite to ask a lady her age but I have to ask if both of you are from an older generation. It may take him a while to get used to using a computer and the internet depending on if he is from the Great Generation or the Baby Boomer or what not.


elkclan - Thank you.

Quote:
trollcatman - Thanks I'll look up executive dysfunction. I figured this issue is due more to his ADD, but this is all new to me and I'm trying to learn how to deal with all this on my end to make our relationship better.


I concur with trollcatman, please look up excutive dysfunction. I will tell you I have it big time as well. Believe me, it sucks.

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I just get so overwhelmed and so tried and frustrated. I feel like a single Mom with no emotional support from my husband and I feel like I have to treat him like a kid too.


This is something I can't wrap my mind on. Emotions are a reaction to an external stimulus right? Why not attack the external stimulus meaning solve the underlying problem that causes the negative emotion? If executive functioning is a major cause then help him to find techniques to solve the underlying problem.

Why always go for emotional based support instead of solution based support? Yes, there are cases in which no solution is possible like death. I just don't understand why people are so obsessed with emotional based approaches to an extreme instead of solution based approaches as well.



cubedemon6073
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18 Nov 2014, 1:02 pm

elkclan wrote:
Hey Gracie,

I hear you! I know what it's like because I've lived like that for about that many years, too. The rages, the miscommunication, the absence from family life. I get it and I don't need any other 'data points' to understand how you feel.

I'm sorry you're going through this - feel free to PM me.

E


Elkclan, there was no need to take a side swipe me or be passive aggressive to me. To answer her questions appropriately would require more data from her husband. We would need his perspective from the inside out not just from the outside in.

Does Gracie want solutions or not? I don't understand how just venting her emotions will solve anything. This is the whole problem I have with out therapeutic culture. Yes, more data is needed to provide a meaningful solution.



androbot01
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18 Nov 2014, 1:10 pm

cubedemon6073 wrote:
Quote:
I just get so overwhelmed and so tried and frustrated. I feel like a single Mom with no emotional support from my husband and I feel like I have to treat him like a kid too.


This is something I can't wrap my mind on. Emotions are a reaction to an external stimulus right? Why not attack the external stimulus meaning solve the underlying problem that causes the negative emotion? If executive functioning is a major cause then help him to find techniques to solve the underlying problem.

Why always go for emotional based support instead of solution based support? Yes, there are cases in which no solution is possible like death. I just don't understand why people are so obsessed with emotional based approaches to an extreme instead of solution based approaches as well.


Well I agree with the posters who have said that this seems like executive dysfunction. But his attitude seems to be one of denial. If he can accept that he has problems with this it will be a lot easier to deal with.

However I disagree with you cubedemon that emotional support is a dead end. I think sometimes we (autistics) forget how difficult it is to live and partner with us. We forget how important the social aspects of a relationship are. You can only get by saying "That's just the way I am" for so long." If you can't meet the emotional needs of your partner, than the relationship is coming to an end.



cubedemon6073
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18 Nov 2014, 1:18 pm

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However I disagree with you cubedemon that emotional support is a dead end.


Sorry, bad wording on my part. No, it's useful but I think solution based approach should be incorporated.


Quote:
I think sometimes we (autistics) forget how difficult it is to live and partner with us.


Ya, you're probably. Could I live with me? :lol:

Quote:
We forget how important the social aspects of a relationship are.


Problem with what you're saying here is this is relative? Social aspects can be different in different cultures. What does this mean?

Quote:
You can only get by saying "That's just the way I am" for so long."


True!

Quote:
If you can't meet the emotional needs of your partner, than the relationship is coming to an end.


Which is why solutions are needed for both parties to meet the emotional needs of the other. This isn't a romantic fairy tale. To meet the emotional needs, one has to have solutions to do so. One has to sit down and logically discuss what needs to be done in our concrete and empirical environment.

Quote:
But his attitude seems to be one of denial.


Look up Five Stages of Grief. Denial is the first one. You're right and he may have to go through the five stages on his own. I know I was in denial for a long time and I'm getting close to acceptance. Sometimes I will flit with bargaining.



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18 Nov 2014, 1:37 pm

cubedemon6073 wrote:
androbot01 wrote:
We forget how important the social aspects of a relationship are.


Problem with what you're saying here is this is relative? Social aspects can be different in different cultures. What does this mean?


I don't think autism fits under the heading of cultural difference. Our social deficiencies are common no matter what our culture.

Quote:
Quote:
If you can't meet the emotional needs of your partner, than the relationship is coming to an end.


Which is why solutions are needed for both parties to meet the emotional needs of the other. This isn't a romantic fairy tale. To meet the emotional needs, one has to have solutions to do so. One has to sit down and logically discuss what needs to be done in our concrete and empirical environment.

It can only go so far. My relationship with my husband broke up after 6 years because I wasn't capable of meeting my partners emotional needs. There was nothing I could do to change who I am.



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18 Nov 2014, 2:06 pm

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I don't think autism fits under the heading of cultural difference. Our social deficiencies are common no matter what our culture.


You're probably right. It could be that 99% of the population of the Earth has certain traits.

Quote:
It can only go so far. My relationship with my husband broke up after 6 years because I wasn't capable of meeting my partners emotional needs. There was nothing I could do to change who I am.


I guess that's true. I am sorry you two did break up. Just to make sure we're all on the same page what is meant by emotional needs anyway? We could be talking apples and oranges.

Addendum



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18 Nov 2014, 10:13 pm

Sorry to hear about the situation with your husband. I am glad, however, that you have started to find some answers.



Gracie1
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18 Nov 2014, 10:23 pm

em_tsuj wrote:
Sorry to hear about the situation with your husband. I am glad, however, that you have started to find some answers.


Thanks. Me too. There are good days and bad days. Yesterday was horrible, today he saw his therapist and it was a better day. Went to the library checked out a few books on adult ADD and being the spouse of an aspie so I can figure out my side of this relationship....

Just beginning the journey, but hoping we can move forward now that we know and not just spin our wheels - that will break us up.



cubedemon6073
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19 Nov 2014, 12:17 am

Gracie1 wrote:
em_tsuj wrote:
Sorry to hear about the situation with your husband. I am glad, however, that you have started to find some answers.


Thanks. Me too. There are good days and bad days. Yesterday was horrible, today he saw his therapist and it was a better day. Went to the library checked out a few books on adult ADD and being the spouse of an aspie so I can figure out my side of this relationship....

Just beginning the journey, but hoping we can move forward now that we know and not just spin our wheels - that will break us up.


awesome



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19 Nov 2014, 11:05 am

Gracie1 wrote:
Hello Everyone,

I am married for 17 years my husband who was finally diagnosed with Aspergers recently. Our marriage has been nothing but so extremely frustrating and difficult from day one. My husband's lack of being able to connect to me, the kids, no friends, his family had me baffled. He could be nice but an extreme a**hole as well. He had so many quirks and routines. I had no idea what the hell was wrong with him until my daughter started having some problems (stressed out from school and our family life) so we went to a therapist. In the discussions about what was going on in our home between my husband and I the Therapist asked if he had ever been tested for Aspergers? I was stunned, that had never crossed my mind but when I started reading about it he had so many of the traits or characteristics I knew it fit. I felt relieved as well because he always told me I was crazy for all my feelings. He was willing to go to therapy and get tested though and he was diagnosed with Aspergers and ADD.

What my problem is and why I'm at my wits end and seriously thinking of leaving him is his extreme behavior. Communication with him is impossible. I can't ask him to do anything, or make plans, or have a conversation with him without it ending up in a huge fight because he has misunderstood something. If I ask him to run an errand he will always do it wrong. For example if I ask him to go to the bank and put a $200 check in the bank but keep $50 out for cash he will do the exact opposite. Even if I ask him to repeat what I said (and most times he gets super pissed if I ask him to do that or write it down for him) He stills screws it up. So when he comes home and I see he did the opposite of what was asked and I confront him on it. He denies we ever talked about it. That it wasn't his fault. He'll deny that he confirmed knowing the directions. He gets in a rage and I just don't know how to handle it. This happens several times a week and I can't do this anymore. I have to do everything myself for this family. He doesn't even feel like a part of our family just a guy who lives here who is in his own little world.


In addition to the executive function, Aspergers causes problems with communication in terms of not picking up on non-verbal cues, being literal and not understanding things like sarcasm, hypotheticals, comparisons etc. With respect to the misunderstandings, try and get straight to the point and just say exactly what mean and don't use hypotheticals such as "how would you feel if ?" or "why do you think so and so does this etc" those kinds of things are what leads to misunderstandings. Rather say something like "when you do this, it makes me feel ?" and get straight to the point about what you want to say rather making him speculate about why other people do certain things or about other hypotheticals to get your point across because that can go over his head.

Also, most NT's just expect their partner to pick up on what they're feeling and how to react to it. However, since someone with AS would be bad at picking up these things, you can't really expect him to know that. Instead try just telling him verbally and if he doesn't know how to respond, then tell him how he can make you feel better or what you need him to do.

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/05/17/5-tips-for-loving-someone-with-aspergers-syndrome/

Good luck.



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21 Nov 2014, 1:04 pm

I'm not taking sides here one way or another. But I will point out that the going to the bank errand error could be simply fixed ahead of time - next time - by you filling out the deposit slip with the information (such as deposit 150 and cash 50) and giving it to him. That is the kind of error that I make all the time, though I now know after decades of consequences, that I have to triple check paperwork and then have someone else check it over for errors.