Ex-wife thinks I had an affair... I didn't

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So my Ex-wife just found out about my new GF. Met her two months after I split with my ex-wife. Not sure how she found out, but that's a different issue. However, she seems to think I had been having an affair with my GF since early spring before the marriage ended. This is absolutely not the truth. However, she is now proceeding to spread dirt and plain lies around my RL friends and acquaintances, and making life difficult for me with our 2 young children.

Any advice on how to help me deal with this would be exceptionally appreciated. I really need help.

Thank you in advance...

- Hypometric (long time member under different nick - now abandoned due to ex-wife issues)

Finding the new GF must seem a bit quick to her (there are no timescales on these things). But sometimes people get offended that they can be 'replaced' so easily. This is probably where the hurt is coming from. Since it IS unreasonable for her to be upset about a new GF post split, she's manufacturing an affair in her head - because that's what seems more likely. You can tell her you didn't, but she's unlikely to believe you.

There is little that you can do about her talking to other people. But you must have a chat with her about talking about it to your young children. It's very inappropriate and hurtful to them.

^^^^

This is really about all you can do. If she wants to act like a narcissistic twat, she's going to act like a narcissistic twat.

Please do speak to her about saying these things to the kids-- real adults don't put kids in the middle of their breakup dramas.

Don't expect her to stop that either, though. When they say something to you about it, don't start sniping back at her. Just tell the truth; if you have to say anything about Mommy's Behavior, say that she's hurt (not that she's evil).

PLEASE, I BEG YOU, CONSIDER THIS SITUATION BEFORE YOU GET TOO CHUMMY WITH YOUR NEW GF. I mean, dude, you're an Aspie. Your new relationship might lead to a lifetime of marital bliss-- it's possible-- but it also might lead to confusion, misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and another round of THIS with another batch of kids you don't get to see as often as you'd like.

elkclan is right, many people can feel supremely hurt to know that someone they parted from after a serious and significant relationship such as marriage, can so quickly and easily find a "replacement." But don't feel mad about that -- I'm sorry but, "unreasonable" or not, that's a very HUMAN and understandable reaction.

Matters of the heart usually HAVE LITTLE TO DO WITH REASON. I upper-case that just to emphasize.

And she's not being a twat. She's just a human being feeling bruised right now.

Breakups are NEVER simple. Even if both parties agree to the split, there can still be complicated feelings layered onto that. There can still be pain from the life-change. Sense of grief and loss no different from a death, because it IS A DEATH, even when you wanted it and agreed to it.

Her marriage just ended, and even if she was as agreeable to that huge decision as you were, she's going to have layers of complicated feelings.

And loving someone and thinking of them as yours under vows you took can linger even after the person cognitively knows she has no actual claim on you anymore.

There is hurt and wistfulness and lingering feelings involved in any breakup, particularly of a marriage that lasted long enough for there to be history together, children together, for fcks sake.

Cut the woman some slack and realize a coupla months does look bad and like you shrugged off years of investment emotionally very easily.

I'm happy for you that you have quickly found a more agreeable partner, but cut a little slack for a woman who is still hurting from the life-change of all this. Your speed in moving on to the next edition does look unseemly, and even if it's true you didn't start an affair before the marriage actually ended, I can see very well why your wife wonders that.

I'm assuming you KNEW the woman while still married at least? Because that too means that even if it hadn't turned physical, there was already a mutual interest forming, and that can feel very hurtful to your ex wife also. Emotional infidelity is thought to be even more upsetting to many women than physical infidelity.

I don't know.

Feeling bruised is one thing. Crying to your friends is one thing.

Being mad because she wanted to be the one to meet someone, get on with her life, and be blissfully happy while he spent his life out in the cold alone is one thing. Not nice, but that's humanity for ya.

Making false accusations, and involving the kids in it, is something else entirely. Me, personally, I would mentally tag her a twat and never put any trust in her or expect mature behavior from her again, unless she demonstrated that she'd learned from it.

Dude, my mother filed for a divorce, moved out of my father's house, and moved in with some guy she'd met in a bar. Two months?? Try two HOURS. Never once did I hear about her having an affair, or being a slut, or even so much as "having poor judgment where men are involved." She was long-dead before I heard and unkind word about her out of my father's mouth, and THEN it was him agreeing with some analysis I had come up with on my own. Think his feelings weren't hurt???? He still managed to act like a grownup.

In other thoughts: in the future, try to prevent your ex-wife from finding out about any romantic interests you may have. Don't bring them up to the kids until they're serious, and don't discuss them extensively with mutual friends. She may be the mother of your children (another reason to keep the waters calm-- she's the woman who can keep you from your children), but she's your ex-wife. She is NOT your friend; if you wish to have a relatively peaceful divorce, don't forget that.

Thanks everyone. Reading and taking onboard.

BTW... I met my current GF on okcupid and she was the first and only person I talked to or met... I didn't know her at all before August.

Also, just to clarify: When I say "...making life difficult for me with our 2 young children..." to the best of my knowledge the kids remain largely unaware of the animosity between us. However, the difficulty is more to do with access and communication in regards to them and their life. They are still young (<5), and they are not great at articulating feelings, events and other things of importance.

And on another note, my emotions on this have taken another hit, because I found out that a couple of weeks ago she was posting on other forums that she wished 'I would do everyone a favour and top myself'. I have seen proof of this posting too.

This is all very sad.

My cousin's ex-husband pulls this s**t too. Every time she starts dating someone, he files false charges of abuse, neglect, or sexual molestation.

Then, when the relationship falls apart and she's single, living with her mother, and miserable, he gets all nice, and they start being friends and hanging out.

I keep telling her to keep him at about three times arm's length, not let him know a whole lot about her personal life other than what she's doing with the kids, not even to involve the kids with whoever she's dating...

Yeah, easier said than done.

I realize it's a common human behavior, and I empathize with the emotions that drive it...

...but I have ZERO PATIENCE with that s**t. Zip, zero, zilch. Even if there WAS adultery, unless the kids really are being neglected, molested, or abused, you put your f*****g emotions on a leash and PARENT UP. Because that person that you hate and want to hurt and destroy in any way possible is THEIR MOMMY/DADDY. That's all there is to it.

If my parents-- the emotionally ill-equipped daughter of an Aspie with severe depression, crippling social anxiety, beyond-alexithymia, a hair-trigger temper, and OCD and his enabling, passive-aggressive doormat of a wife (mom) and an Aspie, raised by a single mother, with a marijuana and alcohol problem and chronic dysthymia (dad, the late great Saint Alan of Aspergia)-- could do it, ANYONE CAN. My folks weren't saints. They were not shiningly fortunate in the endowments of life and/or nature. God did not bless them with a better toolbox than most people-- in fact, they kind of got s**t on in the psychosocial and psychoemotional toolbox department.

They still managed to PARENT UP and keep their galloping emotions the hell off of raising me. If they could do it, anyone can.

Too bad it's not a question of "can," but one of "WILL."

I had a little look round and it looks like the OP left his wife - so this is likely to all be a bit of a shock to her. Although she shouldn't be behaving badly - she is bound to be really hurt and assuming that he's had an affair might give her an 'acceptable' reason why he left (even though clearly it isn't).

The difference is that decent people with the right values at heart don't form conclusions like that and then proceed to assassinate another person's character. This is absolutely inexcusable if there are children involved. I can remember when I was growing up and we saw things like that everyone wasn't so quick just to excuse the woman's feelings. It tore family fabrics apart and everyone on either side stood by their friend/relative resolutely. Now it can happen much the same but we all of a sudden are excusing such behavior. It simply isn't excusable because of the damage it causes.

So your feelings hurt. Is that worth blowing a huge bubble in the happiness of so many family and friends? Is it worth sabotaging your own children's relationship with their father? If I were her ex I would suggest that she is being callous herself, to her children. If she is saying things like that all over the place, then it will register with the kids eventually and your family will be torn apart all at her own callous expense. I have experienced this too many times in my family and others, and I'm just absolutely done excusing women who do this. It is the height of selfishness.

These are her true colors.
They all want to and will believe her too.
How typical.

are you sure you want ANOTHER ONE in your life?

I'm not sure what kind of arrangement you have going on with your two kids, but you need to have something set up with legal counsel IMMEDIATELY. If you do, you need to alert your lawyer that your ex is making things difficult interms of seeing your children or whatever she is doing.

It is completely unfair to the kids. No matter what she thinks or knows or thinks she knows.

Everyone here who is justifying this behavior?
I'll repeat: If this is going on, it is completely unfair to the kids.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^this^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

she's right

cover your ass
fight for the welfare of the children

I think we need to think about this for a minute. When did you leave your wife exactly? Was it July 24th by any chance? And when did you first say you met your girlfriend? August 8th, was it? That doesnt sound like two months to me, does it? And I wonder how you found out about her posting (anonomously, I assume) on the other forum? Was it your sister spying on her by any chance?

Oh, an I wonder if you have told anyone else her if by any chance you have cheated on your wife already in the past, and admitted it?

Oh, and I wonder if you have told anyone how your mistress left public messages of love for you on her public facebook page dating back to before you left your wife?

I would have to wonder then, is what your exwife saying to her friends (who are probably her only support system as I presume your two-faced family have obviously sided with you) really just all lies?

Hmmm.....I think there are always two sides of the story here.

I personally think you were in contact with this other woman for a long, long time. I wonder if you worked with her once?

Oh what a tangled web you weave, soon to be ex husband.

Oh and regards to the children. I bet your ex wife had had to do her damnded every minute of every day to minamise the emotional damange you have done to them by splitting up the family over this whore.

I'll bet, that because you f****d off, she has had to be EVERYTHING to them. Im guessing you only play 'disney dad' to your children when it suits you? The rest of the time you are balls deep like a pig in s**t living the selfish life you so wanted for so long.

I'll bet those kids are a lot happier too, with you gone. And I bet one day (when they are much older and ask themselves) that they will know what happened and will make their own judgements of you for themselves.

Yes, it was 2 weeks. Not 2 months. Sorry everyone - I was emotional at the time of writing.

Everything else is factual.


@loservilleami

I am not going to discuss this is any further. Especially not on a public forum.

You must have been very emotional for a few months then as you probably lied to your own mother about it too.

Why not on a public forum, seems to be the trend lately.