I cleaned my apartment

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I didn't want to, but I had to because my landlords are flipping the building and I don't want to be evicted. So the prospective buyers inspected and weren't horrified so that's good. But I'm on edge now. I feel like I've entered the world of the living and I don't want to be here. Tomorrow I have my second appointment with the local mental health agency's work placement office. I don't know what kind of job to expect, but there's a customer service job with the city I saw posted. I'm going to talk to her about it, but I probably don't have a chance at it unless they back me.
I'm sick of being poor and dependent. I know I'm intellectually capable, but I'm a mental basketcase. I just don't want to fail again.

I'm not the best at cleaning....

But don't you feel like you purged a lot of "dirt" when you cleaned up?

Perhaps, this is a metaphor for a "fresh start?"

I still wish you could get the job at the library.

My story...

I was forced out of my home in Jan/Feb 1989 because of my phys. and verbally abusive father.

My aunt at the time suggested I get a "room and board" type of accommodation. I saw the prices of the rooms and they were not in my budget. I settled for a small room in a basement of a house in a suburban area.

When I used to get a complaint from the caretaker of a block, I'd get my Mom & Dad to visit and spend an hour or two making my space smell "clean and fresh". It would take about a week for it to go back to more messy again.

As the years went on and my living space got larger, I also got sicker from chemtrails, and got type 2 diabetes.

By 2004-05 I was so sick because of low Magnesium, I could barely get to work on time and maintain my two cats, let alone clean the rest of my apt.

By 2012 the apt. owner decided to renovate the block and I had gotten complaints from the caretaker over the years to "clean your suite". When I left that suite in May 2012 I did not get a good reference from the prop. mgmt. company...citing "messy suite".

I've almost been homeless on a number of occasions since then because *I* feel that I shouldn't be put back *alone* into a regular apt. suite

I'm starting to ... and I'm maintaining the cleaness.



I think my messiness comes in part from seasonal affective disorder. Its damn cold and dark and I'm sick of it already. That some people don't get depressed amazes me. I could easily go into hibernation.

I talked to my worker and she discouraged me from applying for the city job based on my history of over reaching and failing. Can't say I disagree either her. I'm going to continue with the program and see how it goes.