Compromising with people in your life

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I am finding it harder and harder to compromise with my wife. She is a social being. I am not. Things are coming to a head. I wish she would just understand my eccentricities. But she comes from a social culture.

LOL... I think my poll will lose the battle for Natural Selection.

I guess I'll have to allow it to be relegated to the "Old Posts Home."

I don't know because I don't know what kind of compromises you mean.

It is difficult for me to compromise because I am uncertain when I am being stubborn, engaging in a fair compromise, or being taken advantage of. Being overly stubborn occurs when I overcompensate out of worry that I am being taken advantage of.

If I like you I want to engage in fair compromise with you.

On Wrong Planet when I post I am usually mindful of the high suicide ideation rate and try and modify what I write accordingly. While I understand if a person commits suicide I am the least of the reasons for why it happened, I don't want what I write to be the trigger. So I guess that is why some have suggested I am a politically correct wimp. Maybe they are right.

I don't see you has that at all, ASPartofMe.

I see you as well-read about autism, and sensitive to people who are really quite sensitive.

When I said "compromise," I meant somewhat petty things, like:

1. My wife wants to go shopping; I don't want to go. She insists that I accompany her, because she gets "lonely."

2. We're invited to a party with people I don't know. She expects us to come as a couple. I figure: why can't she go alone, amongst her friends?

3. I want to watch TV while she has guests over. She insists I sit down with them. Sometimes, it's all right; other times, I really just want to watch TV. They're her friends, anyway.

I used to try to be cool by trying to get attention...which was overcompensating, in a way. I did foolish things like wearing football shoulder pads to school one day, and trying to look like a pimp another day.

It all depends how often you are called on to do these things.

It's hard, often impossible.

It's much easier to compromise with someone who is compromising with us. Are there things you could suggest that would help your wife compromise too beyond just asking her to accept you saying no? I'm thinking (and maybe this is silly) you go together to a shopping center or mall and she shops, you sit in a cafe or book store, you go home together at the end. Or you're uncomfortable socializing, if you liked cooking, having a few people over but you staying in the kitchen and if people choose to come be with you, having a ready distraction. And she does the inviting if there's no one you want to invite. Not saying you should do more, I'm thinking compromise on her part in a way that is beyond her suffering because she can't get enough of what she wants to where she is acknowledging and accepting and working with what you want.

I often wish my husband would do more with me, it confuses me having to choose between alone with him at home and being around others alone because he won't enjoy. I want to be able to be with him, be with others, and have him be happy, maybe she is just saying she wants to be with you. Maybe her having ways to compromise would make a difference. But this might just be what I wish for, maybe not everyone, maybe not practical.

I happen to think you offer excellent advice, Waterfall (and JustKillingTime and Slenkar).

I do, sometimes, just stay in the kitchen while people socialize. I offer to do the dishes. Sometimes, she doesn't mind--but other times, she says "relax. We could do the dishes later." I'm not an asocial or an antisocial person--I understand why people like to socialize. However, there are times when I don't feel pleasure in socializing, yet feel pleasure in reading or watching TV alone.

She is beginning to realize that I don't like shopping. Sometimes, if she has somebody to go with, she might say "you'll be boring anyway--just stay home" in a semi-joking sort of manner.

She's a good person--but she likes to "wear the pants," so to speak. She likes to be in control of things. This often causes conflict.

I don't compromise, that is why I am single.

I don't compromise, that is why I am single.

I don't know if I can generalize about how I find it compromising with people. Sometimes it's easy and works out well, and other times it's hard and doesn't work out at all.