Ablism from spouse

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Hey guys. I'm having some troubles with my neurotypical fiance. I'm around 30 and mid-functioning (more profound than Aspergers, but verbal 90% of the time).

1. I lost some weight through diet and exercise and he is prohibiting me from buying a bikini. When asking him which one is nice, he starts raging and told me it's "provocative". He told me to ask my female friends, knowing that I hardly have friends much less female friends I can contact at a moment's notice. This is not a thong or string bikini, but a regular one. I was even looking at 1950s bikinis. The only reason I want to wear a 2 piece bathing suit is because it's easier to go to the bathroom. He says crap like "you know how guys around here are". I keep thinking he's treating me different b/c i'm autistic.

2. Rebelling against my fiance tomorrow morning by getting up at 3:30 am to go to band practice which starts really early. He always says negative things about the area in which we live such as it's "ghetto" and "unsafe". My fiance self identifies as educated and he does not like people he consider as ghetto / rednecks. I feel that this is classist and he needs to check his privilege.

He also gets pissed off because I use corticosteroids to lighten spots on my skin, and apparently it's dangerous because it was banned in the US and I order it from India.

I keep thinking he's treating me differently because I'm disabled and therefore 'vulnerable'. I hid the fact that I was carrying gear to and from the bus, from him by doing it before he came home.

3. He has been uncomfortable with me playing in an all-male black metal band (similar to death metal genre) for some time and often makes derogatory remarks such as "cookie monster" vocals to describe screaming based vocals. The ironic part is he listens to Pantera, Metallica, Five Finger Death Punch and other metal bands but singles out my music for the 'screaming'. He knows that I mostly have male friends but he feels "triggered' I think.

First of all I don't have a problem with tuning out my strict family members like I did as a youth. My parents are immigrants so it makes sense that they're strict, but I moved out many years ago. My fiance, however is all-American and grew up in a liberal family. Moreover he has played in rock bands before. But he says that because he's male and also neurotypical he can 'handle himself' better.

I think that's bullsh*t. Also he thinks that I would be targeted because my ethnicity isn't typical for the area. But I see a lot of older people from my native country collecting bottles, cans and scraps in the nighttime, obviously they don't get crap. It feels very stifling like he's trying to put me in a box. I keep talking to him about it and just ignored his sexist ideas and bought a bikini. but I can't shake the feeling that I'm being a d1ck. it makes me uncertain of myself every time i do something for myself instead of following the straight and narrow path.

Look if I get jumped I don't care. I have a do not resuscitate order and he's in my will. But I feel like he's destroying my musical career. This is my life I wish I could just get to live it like a neurotypical did instead of facing this discrimination. I already face enough discrimination without him having to put it on me. I mean I love my fiance but this sh*t just breaks my heart.

Sorry if I'm just venting. Any thoughts? It's just disturbing and demoralizing to be treated as a child not just by your family but by someone you make more money than and people who are your close friends by choice.

I could be completely wrong about this, but this doesn't sound like it has anything to do with your autism at all.

It sounds like the typical controlling nonsense of an insecure male.

He thinks that your swimsuit will draw the attention of predatory sexual rivals to you and he fears something about that: maybe he thinks he will not be able to compete with them, or you will be victimized by them, or something like that.

He doesn't like your band because it's you and a bunch of guys. Spending a lot of time together. Having intense experiences together. He probably fears that some relationship you have with someone in the band will end up taking you from him.

It would be consistent with those behaviors to think that he claims the neighborhood is dangerous because he wants to isolate and control you. It could also be that he really does think it's dangerous, but then I would think he would be focused on moving, not keeping you walled away.

I have read a lot of stuff about controlling males and it gets quite ugly--I would try to set some strong boundaries before it gets out of hand. Your spouse should not be treating you like a child. Bad things could follow if the relationship becomes mostly about his insecurity and need for control.

He should get some professional help.

Actually we get along otherwise, but our area is just weird because somebody stole my fiance's necklace before while we were walking around the neighborhood. There are some teenage crews in the area that bother each other too. However it's one of the only place I've lived where people don't call the cops on me when I have meltdowns (I'm pretty severe) and there are some other neurodiverse people in our building. Overall the benefits are more positive than the drawbacks.

So he's right, and he's not treating you like a child, being jealous of your band and insecure about your sex appeal in a bikini? I guess I misunderstood your initial post.

Sounds like you have a good thing going. A supportive relationship is a beautiful thing. Congratulations.

Adamantium's other post took the words right out of my mouth -- it sounds to me like classic controlling behavior that some men do to some women when they feel insecure in themselves.

It's usually not even anything to do with you or your specific actions, but something which that man has always felt like about other girlfriends he's been in relationship with before now. I don't think this is to do with autism, just a classic sounding example of a relationship in which the male is coming from a place of insecurity.

What you describe happen to be several of the "red flags" in descriptions of men who eventually become abusive or even perpetrators of domestic violence. That's NOT saying YOUR man is inevitably going to be that person. That may never happen, or it may, it's not automatic. I'm just saying all that stuff you describe actually so happens to be some of the red flag factors of those men. Just to put you on notice of that.

I'd take the gender-stereotype out of the above sentence (my mother, sister and at least one aunt have done similar things), but I otherwise agree with Adamantium. It looks as though the OP doesn't, though. Hmmm...

First of all people in my area do often have gang fights and the like, but honestly I'd take that over NTs calling the cops on me over meltdowns like they always did... over and over. Cops are a major trigger for me. Some kid getting stabbed isn't. BTW Adamantium I don't know what you're saying. What are you suggesting as an actionable course of action and how to go about discussing this situation. I need actionable advice not judgment. I need a way to go about discussing this and how to break the ice about it in a politically correct manner.

I have a feeling that if I could read emotional signals and cues like an NT, I would be more able to comprehend what is going on. Moreover my fiance also tries to get me to eat more food because he likes "curves". However I prefer to have a different build because i have to live in this body. he doesn't. i prefer to have a body under (a certain weight "everybody" considers unrealistic unless you're "naturally like that").

This is not just him, either but a majority of people around me. The majority of my NT friends have treated me in this way because I have a child-like affect. Male and female alike, they are posting stuff about how they hate "Hollywood beauty standards" I'm oppressing / objectifying myself and the fact that I am getting into beauty and fashion, and stuff like that.

They don't get that since I am in the entertainment industry, I have to be groomed at a standard that is different from these guys. They tell me my fitness goals are "impossible" because i'm not "built that way" but i've already lost almost 100 lbs. I try to shrug it off but how are you supposed to communicate effectively with someone like that?

What am I supposed to do, ditch all of the support network because many of my friends are like that? Also why do NTs behave like that when someone loses weight or tries to dress cool even though they're in an uncool social category (For example by wearing a bikini or what my fiance describes as hot pants). It's like the concept of posers in heavy metal

He sounds pretty sexist (like, more sexist than most reasonable people are by accident). I don't think it's primarily because of your autism, even if your autism affects it. I've seen other people complain about this kind of behavior in others. (Usually women complaining about husbands, but my friend's mom is quite like this too.)

But regardless of whether it's ablism, sexism, racism or some combination thereof, the point seems to be that he looks down on you and does not treat you with respect.

Even if you don't consider this to be a deal-breaker, you have to stand up for yourself. For example, he should not be able to "prohibit" you from buying a bikini. It's one thing if he argues the disadvantages of a bikini and you are convinced not to buy one, or if you buy the bikini and he gripes about it incessantly, but if he actually prevents you from buying it? That's a serious control problem. It doesn't matter what he thinks of your bikini or what your female friends think of your bikini; just buy the swimsuit you want.

My ex was a little like this, but not nearly as bad. You may need to come up with a few scripts of sorts like, "Thank you for your [concern/advice/opinion]. I'll make sure to be careful," and immediately change the subject. ("pass the bean dip" technique) Or "Thanks for your advice. However, I'm not interested in continuing this discussion." If he tries to continue the discussion, repeat that last sentence any time he expects a response from you (broken record technique).

This forum topic on another site has some good advice from a user called COGypsy.

I urge you to be cautious because it's easy to gradually start thinking of this disrespectful behavior as being the normal way that people should treat you.

What would you do if your husband was sneaking off at 3 A.M. to practice in a band with all females?

I think he is threatened by the bikini because it is a big change in your appearance, he thinks he wont be a part of your new life.

You only have about 7 years left to decide whether to have children or not.
So you have to decide if the band is really that important.

So what you're saying is that you plan to spend the rest of your life with someone who thinks they have the right to tell you what clothes you can buy.

Ok Cyllyla1 thanks for the tip. I'm just going to buy the bathing suit and not wear it around him. BTW my income is twice his.

Slenkar I went to band practice at that time because it takes me 3 hours to get there via public transport at that hour. Public transit is far slower during 'off peak' hours. I do not know why you are bringing up this topic, but I don't see how someone having a kid or not affects the music industry. One of my band mates has one, although the kid lives with his baby mama. This does not affect his musical abilities. Another one of my band mates has a lot of cats which is more difficult to deal with.

Keep in mind also. I do not pass as NT in any way, shape or form. I can barely function on my own and sometimes need help to get dressed. The sole reason I want to wear a bikini is for sensory issues relating to going to the bathroom.

Last edited by EsotericResearch on 26 Apr 2015, 11:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Is it a local band or do you tour?

We are going to start touring when our album comes out after the EP. our bass players kid is getting a bit older. I'm going to work on executive function skills so that i could go with it.

btw i'm not even married, that's why i said fiance so this is not a concern and off the table. i am probably not interested in having a kid because i'm not mildly autistic, and would not be able to deal with the sensory issues. i say spouse b/c he is my fiance. we are not planning to marry for at least 5 years. i am more concerned about the guy with a lot of cats.

When people ask about kids they are concerned for your long term happiness.

How does the fiance feel about the tour?

if he feels negatively about touring, then he is a hypocrite since he has done touring before
i don't see how having a kid would affect one's happiness. my friend had one when she was in 11th grade and it sucked she had to graduate late