Ruining the life of my long term love

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This is my very first entry... and I'm sorry it's a mess. I'm in shock I guess.

I'm 51 years old and live in Danmark with my BF for about 14 years and our daughter.

A few days ago I realized that I most certainly have aspergers. I should have guessed as our daughter was diagnosed HFA abou 8 years ago. I read anything I could come across and claimed to have asperger but I didn't realise that it was really real and that it actually had a impact not only in my life but what is much worse, on others.

What happened is that my husband - as many times before - said he couldn't handle it (me) anymore. That he had tried anything. I thought at first that we were just sexually a bad match, because this is the main topic when this situation happens, but then I read on sexuality and aspergers in the internet and what Tony Attwood had written. And then I realized that the sex part maybe is tha major subject but not the main issue. It all fitted perfectly. I told him and he agrees and made a lot of conclusions for himself on that behalf and now I don't know anymore who I am and he doesn't know who I am and our relationship is declared as being not existing - for years. Still it seems we will have to live together for the sake of our daughter and for finansial reasons as well.

My asperger personality is making the man I love very unhappy and there is nothing I can do to fixit? Is there? I don't think I will be able to show love and affection in a way that will mend his wounds. I don't dare to give him hope or promises. It feels like we are both hit hard by destiny and that it is a destiny we can't share. When he tells me he has lost all his hopes and dreams I just remain silent, for what can I say.

Has any of you had similar experiences or do any of you have hope or advice to share?

Do you mean Denmark?

Yes, I wrote it in Danish. Sorry, I know my writing is a mess this time. I will take better care about my language in future posts.

Maybe my post was too messy. Maybe I'm posting in the wrong place. Maybe you are still sleeping.

I love my NT husband (Not married). I gave him reason to expect hot and kinky sex when we first met. Due to me it never happened. Though i tried all I could i didn't get it at all. Now he thinks he abused me for all these years. And I am extremely bad at expressing my love in a Way he Understand.

All of my concern is him to be happy. With or without me. Is there anything I can or should do?

I’m sorry that you are having such a difficult time. Have you ever seen a psychologist or someone professional? Maybe it could help; sometimes you need someone from the outside to help you understand things.
I’m not certain if I’m reading your text correctly, but I get the feeling that your husband is now blaming you/ your AS for all the problems in the relationship? If that is the case than I think it is unfair of him, it always takes two to create a relationship, good or bad.

How to fix it? It is very difficult, but I think you need to learn more about yourself and your weaknesses and strengths. You also need to find alternative ways of dealing with the problems in your relationship. But you also have to communicate with your partner, explain why you do certain things; how you feel and ask him what he thinks you can try to do to make things better? But he also has to help out and be more understanding. It requires work on both parts, and a will to make it work.

Your post is not clear. I am answering on the basis of whatever little I have understood.
You and your BF has a 14 year long relationship ( as mentioned in the post ). In these 14 years, there must have been something other than sex that held your relationship together. what it is ? Love, caring, friendship, sharing, ? Maybe focus on that ? Is your BF accusing you all the time ? Or that you are feeling guilty yourself ? Maybe, the excitement is missing in your relationship. Do you go on dates, do you cook together, gardening, hiking, stuff like that ?
Maybe, you can focus on different aspects of a relationship and see where it goes. By different aspects, i mean loving,caring, sharing , etc. that has nothing or very little to do with sex. All the best.

I agree with this.

There must have been something that you saw in each other at the start of your relationship, and some reason why you both chose to stay in it and have a child.

Finding out you are autistic late in life is a sort of seismic shock and the world seems upside down at first, in that frame of mind, it's easy to doubt everything about everything you thought you knew.

But the good experiences you had together in the beginning were real. Don't doubt that.

I know that one can say, "Maybe that was just mutual fantasy projection: he was imagining what I could be rather that what was" but it is really most probable that there was something in what you actually were and did together that was real.

It's true that you can't be someone else, and maybe he needs something you cannot be or give, but unless he has made up his mind about that, there may be a way for you to be something good for eachother again, if you go back to whatever it was that you did together in the beginning.

The sexual thing is huge, I would think that it would be possible to find some mutually satisfying way around that, as long as you mean to care for each other and want happiness for each other. But that is really complicated. I think just finding a way to have a little fun and even joy together is first. And that goes back to what you did when you were dating/courting.

Most couples are in some ways playful and adventurous in the beginning. If you had that, I would suggest doing absolutely whatever you can to rekindle that. Maybe your mutual care for your daughter will be a strong enough force to help you overcome this crisis. Maybe he will find that he can be really happy with you, once you have recovered what you once had, but even better because now you know, and know what you have to work around.

I am so sorry to hear that you are in this crisis and I really hope that everything goes well for all three of you, no matter what happens.

@ Bondkatten
Thank you very much for your supportive answer. I once asked my doctor to refer me to a psychiatrist oer sexologist who could help me to find out what to do with my non-existing sexlife and whether or not I had aspergers. He did but this psychiastrist couldn't help me with either. I guess it is very difficult finding someone who knows anything about aspergers in adult in the first place. I will be searching for help now, definitely.

My husband is not blaming my AS, untill I told him a few days ago that I had found the explanation to all over issues. (I found some articles on the internet og by Tony Attwood about aspergers and sexuality and they hit me spot on) But not the solution. He's not being unfair. And it is my turn to bring ideas to the table. He has really tried a lot without any result. But I definitely have to be brave enough to express myself better.

@ abeautifulmind

I am accusing myself. Thank you for your suggestions. I would like him to focus on other things but sex is really important to him an definitely not to me. And if I focus on other things I'm not responding to his needs - once again.

@ Adamantium

We just happened to meet each other at a sexual minority munch. But I'm thankfull for your pointing out that some of what we were and did together was real. Non of us has made our mind up about anything.I had a little talk with him today and we are both kind in a state of shock. But at least we talk. And yes now I know what to work around.

Thank you, also for your concern for our daughter.

I don't meant to pry, and please forgive me if I say anything obtuse--it happens, sometimes, however much I might want to be sensitive and thoughtful.

I'm not quite sure what "a sexual minority munch" is, but I am guessing a social gathering for people who define themselves around a minority sexual identity?

Given the significance that your seemingly incompatible levels of sexual drive or interest has in the stresses that you have mentioned, this seems very interesting.

In any case, I hope things get better.

@ Adamantium

It is ok and of course comfusing. I guess Tony Attwoods sums it up:

Forgive me if I say anything hurtful but this is what I feel :
It seems that you are having less sexual desires, at least lesser than your BF, all throughout these years and you attribute it to your Aspergers and it seems a big issue/big problem for both of you. Forgive me if I am wrong but I can also see that it is bothering you more than him. You because it is you who has been diagnosed with Aspergers and not him-and you think that it will be difficult for him to understand you. But sexual drive can decrease in any partner (male or female ) due to old age and other reasons such as hormonal imbalances in the body , chronic illness, paralysis, etc. Suppose, it was your husband whose sexual desire decreases and not you-would you understand him ? or would you make things difficult for him and leave him ? In a long term relationship, sexual desire is important but not so much that you cannot live together in peace. More than sexual counseling, I am afraid, you need psychological counselling because you seem to have some fixed ideas in mind about sex and relationship. Sex is a part of relationship but not all in all. Once you understand this or once both of you understand this, you will be able to move on in the relationship to a better future. All the best for that.

@ abeautifulmind

Though it might be hurtful, I appreciate your honesty and your point of view. It is definitely bothering him more than me. And that is why it bothers me. If it was the other way round I would try to find a way. But that is easy for me to say. And I guess I need psychological counseling, anyway

Thank you for the quick reply. I can understand your perspective much better now. All I want to say to you is-It is your life. 14 years of relationship is not easy. You must have given a lot to this relationship. Aspergers is also not easy, once you find out. But Apergers is also a freedom, a liberation of sorts, particularly at this age ( you are 51 years ). You do not have to "pretend" or "question" anymore at this age. You are not answerable to anyone but yourself. See Aspergers as a new freedom- a freedom to be always what you have always been-the true you, the real you -no more pretending !
You might be feeling stressful now after the diagnosis, because people diagnosed with Aspergers do not like change or transition that much. New life, new piece of information, transformation or transition can be very stressful for Aspies. That is why you have to be extra careful of not breaking down at this point because you also have a child you have to take care of her.

Very well said.