Handling the deepening high-context of adulthood

Post Reply New Topic

I'm curious as to where some of you are at on this; I know for a fact most of us are going through this, some more aware of it than others.

I think what brought my attention to this issue again more than usual is that I started a new job where the culture is a lot different. My last job was on an accounts payable trouble-shooting team, really big company, and almost everyone was between 25 and 35 in out group which made it on one hand very much a 'everyone's going out to watch the game or grab a beer and we do mean everyone' - but it wasn't that bad at all, ie. they were still a fun group and for as sports-obsessed as most people are these days they could hold conversations outside the boundaries of that.

The new place is a lot different, age balance is somewhere in the upper 40's and early 50's, reasonably-sized company, but I also notice that while it's a much quieter work environment it's also much higher context. What caught up to me also is that, for as oblong as my development has been and for as much as I feel like my 35 is the average of me where part of me might be 55 and the other 15, I'm catching more of an awareness that people really do look more between the lines of what I say or don't say than I'm used to.

Trying to gear myself for success in such situations isn't a new thing, clearly through my 20's it scared the heck out of me to realize that I was in grown-man's territory more and more and for as much as I tried to dress, look, and act the part it was the most tiring charade imaginable and even if I wanted in the worst way possible to literally transmute/transform myself into what I was acting like it just didn't seem to move like that. I put myself in context now and see that, just as things were progressing through my 20's, I come off more and more like a very sheer and proper NT (not 100% what I was aiming for but it's just how things are shaking out) however it's those points where my nervous system hits a fault line, where I mean to say something but can't spit it out without stuttering a little over the particular trajectory I was trying to speak, even avoiding certain kinds of eye contact at certain times while being real prim and proper about it at others (mostly having a firm non-verbal handshake and good eye contact when I have something to say to someone or 'good morning!' - whatever else but being kinda skiddish without the context).


I wanted to get a sense from some of the other people here who are well past their mid 30's but remember that strange feeling like the shadows of changing culture are deepening and wondering if they fully know how to keep up with the rewriting of the contextual queues for a 40 or 50-something rather than a 20-something or start wondering how they'll re-adjust the social damage-control game when dealing with people who don't have the neural fault lines, mean both exactly what they say and don't say and if you show similar signs of intelligence are reading that into you also. It's not particularly more frightening to me than other parts of my life - I know I can make this work - just that I know I have a great resource here on WP and if I can reach out for pointers from people who've been here and done this I'd be stupid not to.

Any takers?

I'm 54 years old. I don't act 54. I act much younger, though I have very little contact with the popular culture of the 2010s. I tend to think in 1970s terms.

You should read Erik Erikson's take on it. I find it illuminating. Even though I'm not as "evolved" as Erikson's middle-aged person.

I work with a bunch of people who are 35 or below. I just try to be "myself." I don't know the latest trends. Pretending to know the latest trends when you don't will make you look foolish. I think people respect you for "being yourself" no matter how old you are.

In a work environment, I like to (when I have lots of work) concentrate on the work, rather than being "social." I'm not, and never have been a "water-cooler" sort of guy. In fact, I'm thought of as being an "amiable eccentric." This them will pop up with frequency: they respect me for "being myself."

They're nice people--but I probably wouldn't want to hang out with them for extended periods outside of work. Not because they are inferior--but because we are "different"--we have different likes and dislikes, that is all.

Even though you might be intellectually superior to most of your co-workers, don't let them know you feel that. The results will be disastrous. Let THEM determine that you are intelligent--don't let them know how intelligent you are.

Thankfully a few things have really humbled me on that last point: a) the disability itself, that is if they can do all kinds of thing s I can't - coordination and presence an almost given - I'd be a joke to think myself superior, and b) I've by now met NT's with genius level minds and even though they run into plenty of problems of their own (like in a lot of cases being permanently single or close to it even with sterling social skills) and also I've noticed just how well they're able to blend in what parts of themselves they can. A lot of my internal aspirations revolve around integrity so that's another thing that helps out, additionally I'd much rather make life easier and both being able to communicate well and communicate good will to people in terms they can understand means a lot to me.

As for being hip or cool with the new trends - I'm in an intensely awkward place; ie. I listen to genres of music that a few people have only heard a little of, most people haven't heard of at all, and these are the things that launched things that are huge and trendy now like dubstep for example. The problem is it seems like if you're actually 'into' something it's a bit freakish, I don't know anyone other than myself who started listening to drum n bass in 1997 or so and still listens to it almost 20 years later as their favorite genre of music. I'm also in a similar spot with martial arts and spirituality. I've kind of gotten used to the fact that talking about anything I'm really interested in wholly inappropriate (even in moderation!) and so I don't do it.

Music especially seems to hit a really strange spot with people - even worse than religion in some ways, not just in that its taboo to talk about it but if it's not popular or people haven't heard of it stranger things happen still. I've learned for instance that if people start talking about it, bring me into the conversation, then I explain what I listen to, they all want some links and are hyped about it but at that moment I would be willing to bet $20 that they'll never listen to it, in fact I don't think anyone would offer to front for that bet because there almost seems to be a unwritten social rule that you're supposed to talk a big game to people with the mutual understanding that it's all talk (just like it's strange if someone recommends something to me and I actually check it out). It's a strange feeling joyously ooing and awing over descriptions of this and that knowing that it's all complete BS. Similarly before I was old enough to realize it I gave a cousin a cd of some stuff I made (think I was 20) - I remember him seeming just weirdly impressed when he was in his car getting ready go leave that I'd done something like that (ie. produced), and six months later he admitted that he sat on the cd, never listened to it, and lost it. I can't even call it a vice of culture in general - it's so uniform as to be something more suggestive of a law of nature.

Sorry to go way off topic with that but I guess I'm just saying - I don't think there's a spot that's not lonely unless you see everything that's not new this very month as throwaway. Even that's less lonely just for the lack of introspect to cause loneliness.

I'm just listening in.

but how good is your verbal handshake???

Generally better than my body language. I feel a lot safer if I can actually talk to and engage people, if there's no words flowing it's more likely that my somethings-different vibe could spook em.

During the course of a long career with a large company I had the chance to work in multiple departments and experience a range of age and experience differences.

I first hired-in to a department of young people that were about my age. That was tricky because, my being Aspie, I was on a different social wavelength than them. So I just hid in my cubicle and worked my butt off. That turned out well for me because my work products were valued.

Then I moved to a department where I was the youngster among older employees. This might be closer to your current situation. Unfortunately I was (not unjustifiably) seen as the know-it-all whippersnapper, and so the oldsters did what they could to sabotage my work. They managed to get in some good licks, but I had the good fortune to ultimately prevail.

My last assignment was in an office of wide ranging ages, say late 20's new hires to 60's with decades of experience. I was in my late 50's at the time, so not surprisingly I worked better with those closer to my age and experience level.

So, what I can suggest from my experience is to avoid rocking the boat and/or stepping on toes among your older coworkers. Being respectful and helpful can go a long way toward gaining their support. Or at a minimum help avoid getting on their bad side. I learned the hard way that there is some element of truth to the old saying: "Old age and treachery will always triumph over youth and skill." (Joke).

At my new job I've only really had one small ongoing skirmish with a lady not to far from my present rank. She came over, mentioned an error I made on something (truthfully it was a pretty embarassing error - sometimes if I'm new at a job and overwhelmed there may be one or two instances of that), she mentioned me not wanting to touch certain things and my supervisor had told me no such thing. A few days later she came over with something that actually was not an error, if there was an error involved it was someone elses, she didn't understand what I did and I got the impression that I was supposed to do penance, whether I did something wrong or not, strictly because for some reason she didn't understand what I did and didn't sound like she was willing to let me have a hand in fixing the problem if there was a problem at all.

At my last job there was a girl who did something like that - saw an error I made, made a big deal about me being an imbecile and not to go anywhere near her stuff, and it took several months to work that off. The frustration is that with this lady I've had to keep bothering her with suggestions (she has custody of a certain task so I was emailing her to send her stuff - if I want to cover my job properly). So now it's to where, if I'm understanding this right, it's somewhat of the young-upstart thing you said like a 'How dare he give me orders!' on one hand but also I think our capacity to make big mistakes early on and then be really smart later really pisses some people off as well. It's a bit like I'm not supposed to know anything at this point and yet I might be showing signs she'd interpret as me passing her.

I think things will be okay but right now, at least in that corner, it's been a little tense. When I run into stuff like this though I do all in my power to be as innocuous as I can and to really act as though there's no problem at all (not blunt ignorance of the fact but just refusing to tango).

Yep, unfortunately I am familiar with that scenario. If she feels threatened by your progress she may be the sort to relish and publicize any (perceived) boo-boo's you make. I have found it prudent to practice diligent CYA (cover your ass) in dealing with that type. Also, I like your approach of not engaging in her little dance. With any luck she is recognized by others as the official Office Battle Ax so any attempts on her part to backstab will be discounted.

I'm sorry you have to put up with her, but I swear it seems every office has at least one person like that. Having to watch my back and try to form office alliances is always draining to me, but it often seems to be just a part of corporate life.

Well, the good news with her is that she's not all-in with that. It's a bit like she has that impulse and it's six one, half a dozen the other whether she gives into it or not.

Lol, only bad news is I might have triggered her today just by coming up to her and asking her 'Is it okay if I send ____ to you as I find them?'. I don't really have a choice to not do it unless I'm willing to sacrifice myself and have my boss ask why I was letting those hang and not telling her about them. I think this whole thing will fade, within weeks, but I am hoping to avoid walking up to her and asking her whether she's willing to work with me on something because it seems like that registers as a power-play and rekindles that response.

Something on that topic and as you mentioned, it just being part of the corporate world. It makes me realize that there seems to be a generational difference in how that works. It's as if older generations created a lot of their own litmus tests and were into creating the red-tape games while when working with people my age or younger so long as they can get along with you it's a 'If it works do it!'.

Do you think what I'm seeing there might be an optical illusion where my own generation will sour and get catty/political as they get older or do you think the raised-by-the-internet and free information upbringing is something that is making an effect on younger generations psychology?

I don't know if it would be right for your situation or work environment, but what I have seen work well sometimes is to make sure to thank her for her "kind and thoughtful help as you learn the ropes". Or maybe even casually acknowledge how grateful you are for her help to your or her boss, if that is practicable. Yes, that is good old fashioned butt-kissing, however sometimes it can neutralize a potential office adversary, or even turn them into something of an ally. (Ok, I admit I have done it myself. So I know it can work. )

Yes, I have seen that also. Though it seems to be a game that can be played with whomever is new to a department as much as just with younger people. It drives me nuts.



LOL - Good question, but I won't hazard a guess. Tell you what: In 20 years drop me a line and let me know if you have slipped into that behavior. (Though God forbid I should still be around then. I have had about enough of this crazy planet already. )

I'm not averse to that idea, it just hasn't hasn't happened much that it became a possibility. I'm thinking my best shot would be to find ways and times in which I can, lets say she was part of a particular endeavor, speak well of her participation and be sending the message of 'she's useful around here' sort of buried within it.

The only thing about butt-kissing I'd worry about is if it crossed a line to where someone took it as deliberate and got the idea that they ran me. It's part of why doing that kind of thing such as deliberately neutralizing their aggression needs to be really non-transparent and you keep them guessing as to whether you're knowingly reacting to them or simply stating your opinion.

A very wise approach and very well stated! I can tell you've got a handle on how to manage such things.