Relationships and communication

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I have been abusive and I did not know I was. I don't understand how some things I say are taken offensively. It leads to either the partner getting hurt and lashing out, getting hurt and staying quiet, or me feeling like I have to tiptoe.

I don't have general issues in daily settings where behavior is largely formulaic. It is only when I suddenly am being myself that I am beginning to find that I am actually acting like a bad person. And only in situations where I feel like I can actually express my true inner experience, eg serious emotional relationships.

I am so confused how am I supposed to share myself when doing so hurts the other person? Other things seem dishonest; the way I usually act seems dishonest, at least by omission of nothing else.

I'm not entirely sure that it's just you. I have a similar experience and I have a weird theory on it but it seems to be true, at least for me.

Abusive is quite a charged word for hurting someone unintentionally. OTOH, it's usually not for the best to share every thought/opinion/viewpoint with your significant other.

Instead of withdrawing and lashing out, your partner should communicate that her feelings were hurt and why. In a perfect world anyway....

That sums up my theory. Being blunt isn't bad in and of itself, it's only when you get into a relationship with someone unlikely to communicate with you fully/effectively or advocate for themselves that it becomes a really big problem.

Sounds familiar...
actually I wouldn't say that I've been abusive, but I've certainly been told more than once that I appear aggressive / threatening / arrogant / cold / mocking - all that good stuff (though I've also been told the exact opposite at other times)

This stuff
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UEqmZ2E1o64
helped my better half and myself communicate better - YMMV of course.

One other thing that has helped me is to realize that people's ability to actually listen to another person is limited. You use a certain word or expression, you make a gesture, it triggers some bad memories or such and from that point onwards, they're in their own little movie and it's very hard to get their head back to reality. I used to get very angry about this and say things like "Think with your fkn BRAIN! Do I look like I want to be with someone I despise? Would you be here with me if you truly thought I despise you? Exactly! So when in doubt, take it as a compliment! Stop looking for the insult / criticism in every little thing I say you BLOODY IDIOT!!" (the "terms of endearment" subtly contradicting my real message that I actually like or even love my interlocutor... )
I've become more forgiving of such cognitive deficiencies after realizing that I also have some "triggers" that send me off into my own little movie and render me incapable of truly listening to what is being said. Luckily my better half also has this ability to "rise above herself" and understand how she misunderstood (usually only after the fact, but hey...)

I think it's good you are being honest with yourself. You are acknowledging your fault and not blaming it on your partner saying he is too sensitive and turning it around on him making him think he is crazy or too sensitive. At least you are not doing this part other abusers would do.

But also make sure you are not the one who is being abused because the abuser can act hurt and lash out and say it's your fault because you said this or that and twist what you say and take what you say out of context making you think you are the problem and at fault. I say if this happens with each person you are with, the chances are it is you but if it's only happening with your partner, the chances are you are being gaslighted. I would look up signs of emotional abuse or emotional manipulation to see if any of it sounds like your partner.

For a real long time I thought I was abusive to my ex who was abusive because I was always hurting his feelings so it was like I had to tiptoe and be careful what I say and how I say it and I honestly thought it was me because of my own autism and the fact others have told me I am rude and stuff or say I say a lot of things that are rude. Now I am realizing I may not have been abusive at all and he was just an abuser and used his emotions as an excuse whenever he didn't get his way and he may have been a convert narcissistic. These narcs tend to be very sensitive and have low self esteem and they will often cry. I have no idea if they were real tears or crocodile.