Stigma and being a divorcee?

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Last night I went to a late-bar/nightclub as part of a social night out for a club I joined. The venue is a well established 'meat market'. I wasn't there to 'hook up' with anyone, but to get to know some of the girls a bit better.
Over the course of the night I was chatted up by random blokes, and discovered that the word divorced sends them running!

This is the most overt display of old fashioned stigma that I have encountered since my marriage ended and it made me consider how much this outlook has been politely hidden from me in regular environments.

In general are there ways to work around this? Things I can do to offset it? I live in quite a traditional, conservative area.

It is assumed that a woman or a man who is divorced has (a) dependent children, (b) massive debt, (c) emotional baggage, and (d) a crazy ex following her or him around.

Maybe this is not true with 100% of the divorcees, but it is the way to bet.

Thanks for the reply.

To offset this it seems like I'll have to prove myself to be none of those things, even then people (in this area) will still view me in this negative way, I guess I'll have to live with that.
Emotional baggage is an issue, I don't have children, or debt and we live over 3,000 miles away from each other.

Maybe you just got chatting to the wrong blokes.

I have been dating women for 30 years.

If a woman said she was divorced I would not bat an eyelid. Why would I?

The prior marital/romantic history of a woman is not even something that would necessarily come up in conversation on a first date. There is heaps of more interesting s**t to talk about!

A 'meat-market' is the absolute last place on earth I would try to meet a woman. Hang out in art galleries and quieter places and you can just as easily or even more easily get talking to people of the complementary gender.

Also trying to meet dates in the real world is a bit 20th century. People meet dates on dating websites these days. You can shoot the s**t and kick the tyres a bit before committing a whole precious evening and some cash on a date.

Children: What is the problem? Kids are fun.
Emotional Baggage: What does that even mean? Most over-used meaningless cliché ever. As human beings we are the sum of our 'emotional baggage'. If we were not then we would not be human.
Debt: Lots of divorced women have a pile of cash from their divorce so a very poor assumption
Crazy ex: Very unlikely. Most exes are just regular folk. Most people over 30 are exes of somebody.

Actually, I would want to know what is wrong with (for example) a 45-year old man or woman who has never been married, and who is still waiting for "the right person".

Is he/she too caught up in his/her work?
Is he/she a closet psycho or a "Black Widow" type?
Has he/she spend the last 25 to 30 years in a monastery or convent?
Has he/she spend the last 25 to 30 years in a prison?
Is he/she narcissistic, manic-depressive, or schizophrenic?
Was he/she raped or molested, and never fully recovered?

I wasn't there to find a date/etc, but I was approached over the course of the night by these chaps.
I was there on a 'get to know each other better' sort of night for a sports club I joined and to celebrate the finals of a league with the club members.

It was my first excursion to a singles scene since the split and I was interested to see what the reaction to the D-word would be... it is a more effective way to make unwanted attention disappear than a wedding band ever was!
I'm not interested in dating yet, but the online approach seems to be standard now, the night out introduced thoughts about dating, but more so how I am perceived by folks around here.

I think I had just forgotten how very traditional this area is. e.g After I finished a project I was working on, I explained how to complete the project to a married man, as it was his first time working with the material, and he approached me for advice. Afterwards my Mom said that it wasn't appropriate for me to have done that as 'I am already the talk of the country', and I shouldn't cheese off his wife.

But this is where I live for now, so I have to make it work.



Yes that is a good point, and a different way of looking at potential scenarios. No one is perfect!

So you were hoping it would be a turn off for them? Maybe that came across in your voice?

Or you also put it out there for even the ones that were favorable?

Just curious, helping the married man was a work or school situation? I don't see what your mother says.

I was curious to see what the reaction would be with both favorable & unfavorable, any kind of hook up/swapping of numbers etc was not going to happen, the purpose of the social night was to get to know the team members better, we had a separate function room for most of the night. The only reason I would be in that venue is because they sponsor the team and its where these type of events are held.

I was working on our section of a communal plot of land (own interest) and this man came over to me asking advice on how he should approach the work he needed to do on his section. I walked over to look at his plot of land with him, and talked him through the process while his wife sat in their car waiting for him.
Mum thought I took too long, and could have briefed him without moving from our section.

The last person I dated before meeting my wife was not exactly divorced, in fact she was married although her husband had recently left. He and she signed a separation agreement shortly after I met her.

No, being divorced was never a turn-off for me, in fact I have been shot down by more than one divorcee in my day.

Perhaps with the local people, its just this location, and with dating/etc I'm not exactly sending out the come-hither vibes!

I think the guy wanted your advice, and you were willing to offer it.

This is the way of the world. It's called "give-and-take." There's no implication of "hanky-panky."

If people want to ascribe other motives, that's their problem. I would tell these sorts to clean up their own house before they seek to mess up somebody else's

You were in a 'meat market'; in these venues, divorcees are often seen as 'damaged goods', for several reasons.

If you are looking for a hookup, it is better to keep that little detail in the grey, and if you are looking for a relationship, it might also be better to tell this at a later date (but before you go exclusive); there is usually a reason for a divorce, and men (as well as women) often assume the worst.

I had guessed that this would be my experience, but I needed to check for certain. Oh well, such is life.
Thanks for the replies.

I got married when I was 18 and divorced when I was about 19 and a half. Guys were always worried I had kids and was looking for a daddy for them, or that I was just looking to get married again. I learned to say "I'm divorced and being married is not something I'd want a repeat of!" even if you do want to marry again one day. That just sets the tone right off. When I met my husband now, I had just planned on playing the field and not really being WITH anybody and told him so when we met. He was worried I had kids and wanted a daddy for them or that I was looking for a husband. I was NOT and told him so. He told me he wasn't getting married till he was 50. We got married about two years after we met and have been married for 28 years.

Just say what you have to say at first so that people don't freak. Don't mention divorced and just say you are single. That's mainly what I did. Also divorced made me feel old and like my mother. I don't know your situation so I can't advice you on specifics, but I'm sure you can find some way to phrase it. Their reactions probably have more to do on their own or their friends experience with divorced ladies than it does on stigma. At least that's what I think.

Good luck.

Heck, I would think being autistic is a much bigger stigma than being divorced!

Oddly enough, "Are you on the autistic spectrum" isn't as popular a question when you meet someone at a club as "Are you single?"