Newly Diagnosed - 34 male married with kids

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Hi everyone, first post here.

I gather that my story fits a certain stereotype: I have two sons (5 and 2), am married, and recently was diagnosed with high functioning autism (level 1, very low severity). I suspected Aspergers after learning more about it, following a very stressful year investigating our son's challenges in his preschool. I was actually diagnosed with ADHD first, about 6 months ago, and believe both are comorbid as medication has helped significantly. I consider myself very high functioning, and am fortunate that my special interest and hobby is my career (robotics and computer programming). I believe I am a competent husband and father, and have an incredible amount of bond and compassion for my older son, who also clearly appears to be autistic to me but high functioning so low in severity.

My diagnosis was given two weeks ago, and immediately following the diagnosis my family and I left for an extended trip across the world to Asia where my in-laws live. For the first few days I must have been in the zone: I was having some basic conversations in Mandarin, immune to jetlag, being an attentive and patient parent, and happy. By the third day I was about to write off this autism diagnosis as a figment of my imagination. My confidence was off the charts. But then the other side of the coin has shown big time the last few days: my social budget has seemingly become exhausted. I've several times needed to escape from my family by putting on headphones and turning up the music loud enough that I can't hear them. I no longer want to go out... rather would stay in. I can't make eye contact with people in shops and feel super awkward just stepping into a shop or going out anywhere where I might get attention. I snapped at my older son big time this morning after he accidentally knocked his little brother head-first off the bed. He is very high energy, sleeps barely more than me, constantly hums and makes sounds, and cannot stop moving. This is all happening way more than usual while traveling, which is understandable given all the stress of being across the world where he has no idea what to expect from one hour to the next.

I'm having trouble accepting the diagnosis because of this perceived dichotomy: Sometimes I function so well that I feel normal. Other times I feel like I'm struggling to get through every hour of every day. I don't know how I will keep my battery charged for the rest of the trip. Probably I will be on edge and easily irritable. I wish my wife would understand better that I really need quiet and alone time. I've mentioned it to her a few times but I'm not sure she's really getting it. But she also gets stressed out with the kids especially because our older son requires so much energy.

Occasionally I have periods of stability without much ups and downs, generally when I have good interesting work and have tons of alone time to focus 100%. I love my family, but also miss the days I could focus on my projects without the obligations of family: I sometimes would have projects that were so engaging that I could focus day after day, only to take the minimum breaks to eat and sleep. And then I might not do much of anything useful for two weeks: zone out, browse the internet, binge watch TV. And generally get down until some new interesting challenge comes along that I can build up confidence to attack.

My past certainly is consistent with high functioning autism, but not as much so as many other stories I read. I know many struggle much more than me so I even feel guilty claiming the diagnosis. But I have an intense desire to understand myself more fully, and to bring understanding to my confusing past, and to have this knowledge to help my son better than I was helped.

So I just wanted to introduce myself. I'm newly diagnosed, struggling to accept. I can certainly proceed with my life, but I had hoped the diagnosis would be a clearer and more obvious or perfect fit that explains my awkward youth and challenges. I'm thrilled to find this forum, and look forward to reading others' stories whenever some time allows. I'd love to hear from anyone who shares similar experiences -- I'm struggling to truly internalize this diagnosis really matches me, even though logically I'm pretty sure it does.

Welcome to wrong planet.

Depending on stress, how tired we are and so on we act and feel either “more autistic” or “less autistic”. Those times when there is little pressure on us some of us can function normally or almost normally and believe we have been wrongly diagnosed. That does not mean we are less or not autistic at these times. It just means we can mask our autism and use coping mechanisms better at these times then when we are tired and stressed.

G'day and welcome.

I can relate to a lot of what you said. My kids are 4 and 2, my wife speaks Mandarin and I was diagnosed in March this year after a burn-out crisis in prior years.

Of course, take some time and practice self-care every way you can.

My attitudes and understanding have evolved significantly since March. If your experience is like mine, you'll find yourself forming finer distinctions over time, about things that had been bugging you your whole life, and now finally fit as pieces of a larger picture. Over time, the usefulness of the understanding from this diagnosis may make it stand out over all the unsatisfactory explanations that came before.

Folks say, the problem with the low functioning label is one's strengths get overlooked, and the problem with the high functioning label is that one's weaknesses get overlooked.

In practice, this might mean you're fine while you're drawing on available reserves, but when those become either chronically or temporarily depleted, problems follow and you need to recover.

Congratulations for getting your diagnosis - you're the same person, and I'm convinced knowing is much better than not.

That caveat about reserves mean it's potentially unsafe to rest on a certain level of life attainment, because circumstances change over time. This may be especially true for your son, so over time, get busy learning for his sake.

I think we're all gearing up to raise a generation who will be treated with more understanding and humanity then those before.

Wishing you all the best in your journey.

Welcome to Wrong Planet.