The Married Aspie Cafe Thread (discussion of marriage, etc.)

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There has been some discussion of starting a thread or forum to discuss marriage issues. I've decided to include an "etc." to cover all WP members who are in comitted long-term relationships, but not necessarily married.

I'm Janicka - I'm 30 years old & diagnosed HFA. I've been married for nearly 5 years now. I have occasional communication issues with my husband. I guess that's probably pretty typical. My biggest stressor is my in-laws since they are not really around me enough to be comfortable with my quirks.

Edit: By the way, I can move this thread into the Love and Dating forum depending on what feedback I get.

Edit 2: I'm making this a sticky like the Dino thread.

Last edited by janicka on 11 Apr 2007, 11:45 am, edited 2 times in total.

Here's my first post - pretty much copied and pasted this out of a post I made in the Haven.

The question is, should I send my Sister-in-Law (SIL) a sympathy card or something? She's told my husband and my to my face that she thinks I am weird, so I am afraid I will somehow bungle sending her a sympathy card and upset her or make her mad at me.

My SIL was with this guy until like 3 years ago. She's really very pretty, but has sort of a lukewarm personality. At the time when she was with this guy, she was smoking a lot of weed. This guy she was with smoked a lot of weed with her as well. It didn't seem so bad, because my experience with weed is that you can have your fun, but resume being functional in society once it wears off. However, SIL was complaining that he was spending too much on the weed and they had a number of fights over it. Eventually, she kicked him out and they divided up their assets without the help of any lawyers. Basically, they jointly owned a condo, but he agreed to get his name off the deed to the condo in exchange for him getting to keep the car that he used as his primary transportation.

Fast forward to 2 months ago. SIL has a new guy. This one's really nice - professional, educated, decent looking, etc. She's decided to get engaged, and wanted to put her condo on the market. Turns out, ex is still on the deed. So, DH asked his corporate lawyer to recommend a divorce lawyer to help her resolve this. They found a lawyer, and went to see him together - the lawyer wrote up a paper for ex to sign to give up his interest in the condo, and SIL was supposed to track him down and ask him to sign it. This would be the easiest and cheapest way to resolve the whole thing. Incidentally, while they were out to see the lawyer, DH and his sis went to get some lunch, and she started telling DH about how ex wasn't just smoking weed - he was pharming. His drugs of choice were Vikes and Oxy's, so he'd be falling asleep while eating, takling, working (which is why he didn't work toward the end of the relationship), and presumably other couples' activities. He was a mess.

So, SIL started calling his parents to try and get hold of him - they were nasty as hell to her. Finally, she got hold of ex, and he agreed to sign the paper. But not before this long drawn out conversation about how he's not over her. Within a couple of weeks of her contacting him and having this conversation, he was found dead of a drug overdose. This was last week. SIL was initially freaked out, because she felt like her actions maybe drove him to kill himself. However, it is not entirely clear whether the OD was intentional or not. There wasn't any note or anything, so the only way to really know is if he had an amount of Oxy in him that was so much that there was no way he could have been only trying to get high. But I am not sure that she'll ever be able to find out.

Anyway, she was thinking about going to the funeral, which took place over the weekend. But she kept making all sorts of excuses to justify not going in her mind (like school, work, dog care). As it turns out, it was a good thing that she didn't go because his parents had pictures of ex displayed prominently at the funeral, and SIL's face was cut out of them. Like they didn't even attempt to do something tasteful like maybe make a collage to attempt to mask that SIL was in the pics. They just cut her face out. They even left her dog in the pictures. Is that not completely screwed up?

Anyway, I think it is sort of funny that they'd be so petty. No one else does, so I have to keep that to myself. The only good thing to come of this is that there was some clause in the condo deed that if one person died, the other would get the condo free and clear. So, that part of it is over. It would have been messed up if she had to go through probate court with ex's parents after they mutilated photographs of her.

Sorry to hear of your SIL's misfortunes. As far as an OD goes, it was most probably accidental. I guess an autopsy would show how many pills he had swallowed at one time. Sounds like he was going down that road sooner or later. Yes, I'd say send her a sympathy card of some sort. Seems the decent thing to do under the circumstances. As far as in-laws go, your hubs may need to let them know, in a nice face to face chat, that you're different and that's one of the things he loves about you. Seems a common problem, the in-laws treating you as if you're a bit odd.

Do you think that an e-card is appropriate, or should I wait until my MIL gets back into town and can provide me with a mailing address?

Thanks for starting the thread - I think it's a brilliant idea.
I'm 43, in a committed relationship with someone who's somewhere on the spectrum but higher-functioning in some ways than me. I also have issues with his family, which is tough because he's very committed to his family. So I share your pain.

My advice regarding the card would be that it should come from your husband. Especially if he's NT.

Being the fossil I am, the only card I would consider is a paper card. Get it written out, ready to mail for when you get the proper address.

I guess I got lucky with my Missus, her mum has always liked me. She's a sweetie, too. Never has a bad word to say about anybody.

Have read those, but am still unsure about this: is this here thread for discussing specific questions & answers to one's particular difficulties ? Is it for generally conversing about issues relating to married life-hopefully with civil dialogue(sp?) ? A hybrid of both ?
Just checking. Am unable to give advice but I do enjoy conversing about our varied experiences in this area.

Appreciate the clarification, since my current relationship is most definately long-term (financial reasons prevent us from making it official). I've been married before & do know what it's like.
Boyfriend is NT & I'm dx'd AS (in adulthood). We've lived together in the same tiny apartment for over 2 years & spend most of our time (when he's not at work) together.

In the absence of a marriage forum, I would say that this thread is intended to be a hybrid.

What about married people who are not in a significant relationship?

Thanks for starting this thread Janika. I can relate to what you said above. My wife has pretty much resigned herself to my quirks, and I guess on the whole has grown to understand me. I ought to say that we've been married for over 10 years now, so she has had plenty of experience of my oddities

My biggest stress is also with my in-laws, but more because they are more off the wall than I am . My wife's family are quite close, so I have to have a lot of visitors, often with kids - that I find hard to deal with. It's on those days I find going to work more attractive

Sorry I didn't read your longer post - i'm afraid it's late here and as I get tired I find reading gets harder.

I am married 10 years to a comic book obsessed misanthrope. He does not talk or think about anything other than comic books, our house has so many comic books in it I'm surprised the floors haven't collapsed.

Well they COULD just stick the word marriage into the love and dating forum title, but I doubt that will happen.

The operative word being 'they'.

Estrangement/divorce is, by definition, a marriage issue as I see it. I thought that it would be appropriate to include "other committed relationships" mainly for the benefit of gay people. They CAN'T get married (in most places), but many of them live in relationships that are no different than marriage, as far as relationship dynamics are concerned.

There are also heterosexual people who live in common-law relationships. I suppose I wouldn't really feel too bad about excluding them with a poorly-worded thread name - they CAN get married but choose not to. Even so, I am sure that group of people will have something relevent to add to any discussion about issues related to long-term relationships.

Basically, I want a discussion area for people in relationships that have moved beyond crushes and dinner/movie dates. WP has lacked that so far.

Yes, this is your sister-in-law so you must absolutely send a condolence card...even if they were not dating at the time, it sounds as if she is grieving just the same.
So, make it short and sweet. Say something to the effect of:
I know we haven't always seen eye to eye on things but I do care for you and wish you were not going through such pain......
Offer your ear or time as and/or if she should need it. This will give her permission to contact you for help and will make her ask specifically for the kind of help she will require from you...instead of you just showing up and making fumbling attempts at 'guessing' how she would like to be comforted. Also, as you probably are in no place to hand deliver food to her door step, send a gift card to her favorite restaurant or take out so---on top of all her sadness --she doesn't have to also think about cooking/ feeding her self...or going grocery shopping. Life is just hard to deal with when very sad. So, keep it simple, offer your ear or time as she needs it, and give food.
Viola'....
you're all done.
OH, type it on stationary...or write it legibally in a card and MAIL it. ABSOLUTELY no e-cards. That's too callous.

Yes, the agency without agents...