Am I autistic?

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Hello.

I have spent the last day or so reading about autism, and I think I might have finally found a useful description of how I think for the first time ever.

A little about me: I'm 39 years old. I failed out of college, but worked my way up from working in a stock room to an industrial control system engineer. In my spare time, I've been working on a web application for attending a music festival. Not surprisingly, going to big music festivals is my favorite activity.

But my life has become hollowed out and horrible. I've always lived behind what I call "the facade", behaviors that I've learned by watching other people and copied. I kind of interact with other people by following little scripts that I deploy based on the situation. When I'm walking up to the checkout lane at the grocery store, I make a conscious decision about what sort of facial expression to wear-Happy, Sad, Angry. If acting naturally ever occurred to me as an option, I can't remember it.

Even though I have a good job, I am barely able to take care of the smallest of tasks. I can't handle my taxes. I can't keep my house clean.

I am so ashamed of these failures that I hide further and further away from the world. I'd rather everyone I love hate me rather than see how pathetic I actually am behind the facade. So I cut everyone out of my life that I care about, just to make sure they never realize just what a loser I really am.

And yet...I don't go to a doctor or a counselor. As much as I wish I could interact better with the people around me, I don't want to be like them. I've always felt on some essential level that there was a link there-that the same part of me that let me understand a machine just by watching it run, was also the whole reason I built the facade in the first place.

Does any of this make sense to you guys? I could go on with this for hours. Am I on the right track with looking at autism and the concept of neurodiversity as an explanation for how my life got to this point?

Welcome to wrong planet.

What you have described is some autistic traits that certainly many of us here will relate to. Autistic traits are the same or similar to several other conditions so one days research is far from enough to say I highly suspect I am autistic.
Diagnostic Criteria for Autism Spectrum Disorders

Executive Functioning Issues in Autistic Teens and Adults
The above might explain your difficulties with taxes and taking the inititiative in going to the doctor. These executive functioning difficulties are common in Autism and ADHD. I know all to well about this.

"The Complete Guide to Aspergers Syndrome" by Tony Attwood

You don't have to have all the issues to qualify for a diagnosis.

I wish you good luck in your search. Please let us know how you are doing and feel free to ask questions.

I certainly do not trust the internet tests I've taken.

Really, what strikes home for me is not the tests. It's the narratives of other adults who are about my age.

I don't have health insurance right now. My employer doesn't provide it. When Obamacare came out, I struggled through the website and signed up for insurance. But then I forgot about it for 3 months and didn't pay, and they cancelled me.

Even still, the cost would probably not be a burden. I live 2 hours away from Atlanta, and I would fly to Japan for a month if I thought it would help.

I am really terrified of walking into a psychiatrists office and describing what's wrong with me. 15 years ago I read "Girl, Interrupted" and ever since then I've been terrified of what they would do to me if they ever found out how different I really am.

What would be the benefit to getting tested? Are there any drawbacks? How much does it cost? Does it hurt?

One other thing. Your interest in music festivals is a fabulous thing to use to connect to other people. You might want to pick up a couple of tickets and offer one to a friend (male or female) in a non-romantic context, just so you begin to have a social circle.

There are a lot of people out there who also have difficulty connecting to others, and they don't necessarily have autism. You might benefit by looking at the shared humanity.

Thank you so much for your help. I really appreciate it.

I would love it if someone could help me with another concern, one that is more complex. I am very new to all this, so if I state this in an offensive manner, I promise I am just trying to learn.

It seems to me that right now the community is being roiled. The avatar pic of ASPartOfMe is a perfect example. Whether or not I actually meet the diagnostic criteria, I certainly share a lot of traits with this community.

What I'm trying to say is, I don't know who the players are in this situation? Some of the stuff I've read makes it seem like they are imprinting whole new personalities onto children to make them act more polite?

Does the medical community have an agenda in this conflict? Is there a way that I can ensure that a psychiatrist I see will be working to help me shore up my weaknesses, and not try to rewire me?

The advantages in your situation is confirmation as to what you are thinking,
accomodations at work, and as insurence if your career derails. Better to get the diagnosis now then to first start the process at a later time when money situation may be poor. You can get disability benifits for ASD's

I'm not going to answer your latest question because I, too, am fairly new and trying to figure out the fault lines in this community. But I will say, if you are concerned about the attitude or prejudice of your expert diagnoser, just ask them. Trust me, they are accustomed to people having misgivings about trusting a stranger.

I certainly enjoy going to concerts when I am in better shape.

The fact is, I intentionally ruined my entire social circle. I volunteered to serve as Treasurer of a college alumni association that was very dear to me. I was really working on leaving depression and being happy about my life. I was so proud of myself that I was able to serve my friends in this capacity.

But after a few months, the exhilaration wore off. The problems I mentioned with executive function took over once my attention was directed elsewhere. I filed paperwork late, I had to pay penalties, I missed meetings I was supposed to be at. I fell into my familiar pattern: hide the problems from the outside world, and hope somehow the situation improves on it's own. After years of hiding how poorly I was doing, it finally became obvious. My best friend, who was running the organization, emailed me to ask for my resignation.

I sent him a resignation letter, and haven't responded to him since. (This was about two and a half years ago.) I still cannot think of anything to say. Any apology would have to come with a reason. How could I have done this? It wasn't for lack of caring. If the setting was right, I could even have done the job.

I used to do stuff like, "Ok, no dinner tonight unless I make one phone call about the bill. That's all-just one phone call and then I get to eat." I would skip dinner rather than make the call.

In two and a half years of loneliness and isolation, this weekend was the first time I ever felt like I saw an explanation that made sense to me. Like, I could show this to my friends and say, "This is why it happened."

Thank you so much for your help.

Regardless of the particulars of my diagnosis, I can say that for the first time in my life, the concept of neurodiversity has given me a way to view myself as something other than broken. And until this weekend, that had never happened before.