Am I here at all?

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Have you ever felt like your screaming just hoping someone would hear you only to find sorrow when your left on your own time after time to face the tears and darkness alone? Have you ever despertly wanted a tomorrow different than to day only to find that tomorrow is the same? Have you ever felt like there was no one you could talk too because you felt like your problems where so different from the world around you? If you do try to confide in someone you are given answers that make no sense with what you are talking about? Have you had to live in world where hello is always quickly followed by goodbye and you always wondering what makes you different? Have you ever had problems that rage inside of that are killing you and every hand you hope will lead from the storm runs as soon as they see the conditions and all you feel like is your stuck and it is all hopeless? Have you hidden yourself from the world because you feel like a monster and everyone you meet confirms that and you stay hidden because there is no other choice? Have begin to wonder am I really here at all?

You definite ARE here. I see your words.

I guess I don't get philosophical too often LOL

Yes

I have felt so invisible for so long forgetting I am really here at all. I spent years yelling as loud as I can hoping one hand would lead from the wreckage to paradise. All them have run as if the monster I need help fighting for years is me. Nothing I say seems to convince them and tired II have hidden on the road away from the world to minimize heartache and to keep the pain and the hurt of lifetime of rejection. It is only when I settle for awhile and the excitement of the new city wears off all the hurt fear anger and injustice come back in private moments I cry. I ambso desperate for a better road but every runs away when they meet me. I tried to make myself as invisible as possible so hurts less. My biggest issues all seem to center around people and my inability to keep them. They all seem to leave for one reason or another shortly after they have said hello. So life becomes a painful reminder that things you so despertly want friends love support seem almost as silly as a legless man believing he will grow legs and walk. Experience being the cruel teacher she can be at times reminds of this over and over again as I try again to approach the social world. Only to find I sitting on the sidelines or ignored. I begin listening desperatly listening to any and all advice because I so much to have you in my life but nothing I seem to do or how hard I tried or think different thoughts seem to make those apparent differences that are ever clear when around the "normal" world. It tears me a part as time after I left completely alone again and again. The times these are the hardest is life leaves me shattered or something that breaks me at the core of who I am I have to go threw the pain alone. The greatest wish if I could have one wish in would be to know what true love is like. A love that doesn't leave when it faces your shadows. When I say true love I don't mean that of a like a wife or partner I am talking like love of family or close friends. Yet even when I imagine having these things I sometimes wonder of I could really handle them or would the stress and too many people be too much for me. Weird paradox to think I want the most may be the thing I not able to handle.

Sounds like you need a friend to talk to. Is there something specific that has happened in your life recently that has sent you into this sadness, or is it an effect of years of stress piling up and you feel you cannot take one more thing?

I have been in some pretty dark depths myself at times and can relate to some of the feelings you are describing. In spite of having a loving family and a few close friends to confide in, I still suffer from depression more or less chronically. Even when things are good, i sometimes get depressed. When something bad happens, i have fewer reserves to draw from.

One thing i have learned in this--the demons loom larger when you face them alone. If you have someone you can talk to (and i mean someone sympathetic--they don't have to be an aspie necessarily but they can't be someone who blows off your concerns and says "we all get down sometimes and you're very normal"--you know this is not "normal" and the person who tries to tell you this doesn't have a clue), the act of getting the pain off your chest can help tremendously. Maybe the person can't really do anything to change things...but to know you have someone in your corner can help your state of mind. Sometimes they can offer a fresh perspective that helps. And if you need medical intervention, they maybe can help you with that.

And ((hugs)) to you too. Sounds like you need one. I am so sorry because i know how much it can hurt.

Everything you say is familiar. I have often felt the same way, and still do.

Thanks for the hug probably an aspie. This is more mere depression it is years of trying to telling doctors and all who would listen where it is broken only to leave when they see how broken I really am and years of trying make the social world work with no success. Just not sure where to turn when no listens and they all leave. I am sure this would be easier with people but some of us don't have that luxury. I have never have which is the core of all my anger hurt and sorrow. I mean never being able to have true friends and this can really effect and leave you with low self esteem and worth feeling like you are a looser and empty inside because of your inability to connect to others. I mean with out people who really care you begin to think things like love and lasting friendships are a lie. It seems no how much I crave this or how desperate I am to change to let you in I am stuck where I am. So yeah I depress but I see no solutions to the problems causing me to feel this way either.

Hmmm, trying to think how to answer you and running into trouble translating what is in my brain into words on a keyboard. You are still here, and i am too.

I can't say "i know how you feel" because i am not inside your head. But...i have been in some pretty dark places and i know how it feels, as Abraham Lincoln said, that one must "die, or be better." That there is no going on like this.

I did have people around me when I got to that place. Did it make it easier? I don't think so. No one could comfort me. There are dark places that no one can touch, no matter how much they care. Sometimes i thought it was more painful to try to tell someone and have them not understand, than it was to suffer alone.

What it did make possible, though, was for me to get help. My husband, realizing he could do nothing with me, finally got me a phone number for a crisis line available through his job and the girl i spoke with was absolutely great. While she couldn't help the actual anxiety, she was able to get me started on the process of getting in to a dr for an assessment. (That too took forever, and i ended up changing doctors because the 1st one was not a good fit.) It took time and searching, to find a dr who i am comfortable with and who understands how to help me. Not all psychologists/psychiatrists are cut from the same mold and definitely not all of them understand how aspergers affects a person.

The dr who finally was able to help me the most is a behavioral therapist who was recommended to me for my autistic son. In seeing her with my son, obviously some family issues came up as well. When i revealed that i too battled anxiety/depression, she offered to work with me if i wanted. She is very down-to-earth, and has a good understanding of the issues aspies deal with. And how to offer helpful help. I feel that she is the 1st dr who "gets" me. It took 3 years to find her. The alphabet soup after her name is not as long as some of the other drs i have seen, but that wasn't important. She cannot prescribe meds, so i go to my family dr for that. I found some meds that work decently for the anxiety without turning me into a zombie, so i periodically go back for rechecks and refills, and see the behavioral therapist as needed.

I don't know who could be your "breakthrough" person...but there are good ones out there. I don't know where you live or what the process is to find a professional...but i would say look for one who specializes in autism if possible, or try a different person in your family dr's office from the one you usually see. The one i see for meds is a run-of-the-mill family practitioner, but she trusts that i know my own mind and body; and that if i say a med is working, it is (or vice versa, and helps me adjust accordingly).

I was very frustrated with people who said, "tell me what you need and i will help." I couldn't tell anyone what i needed, because i was in too much pain to think. I needed the pain to go away but they couldn't do it. I have executive function difficulties as well, and when i am depressed what little executive function i have goes out the window. I could not gather my thoughts into any kind of organization.

Do you have a crisis hotline available through your job or can you look up your area's hotline online? Maybe you could talk to someone and they could give you an idea of where to start. If you have no one around you to help with the process, i think that is where i would start.