32 and not a clue...

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Hey everyone,

I'm 32, I've pursued my dream-job only to learn that it really doesn't exist the way I had imagined, and while I enjoy my work, it feels pointless and I feel underwhelmed by it all.

I never had much of an idea f what I wanted to do with my life, or how I wanted to live. It all seemed alien to me. still does. At college, I had the opportunity to do something I really liked, but of course, it wasn't suitable for a 'job'. After some frustration, I went abroad for an MA in what I loved, hoping to get a foot into the industry there afterwards... only, it turned out, the industry wasn't all it was cranked up to be, and I felt like a cog in a machine, on my way straight into poverty due to low wages. So I went back, found some work that is still a bit stupid, but it pays okay and I feel less like an expendable machine-part, working freelance.... but I don't get to do, what I came into this field to do. My obsession over details is not much appreciated, my skill-level as a student was far above what I'm doing now... mainly because no one wants to afford/ cares as much. And frankly, people don't seem too skilled either.

anyway, the challenge in my job is for me not to do things better -which is what I wanted to do- but to do my job good enough. and that is a hard challenge, because I honestly have trouble caring, at all.

When I pursued my studies abroad, my long-term relationship fell apart. depression on both sides. struggles with life.
anyway, I never cared much for family and all, but everyone I know is opting for that, and I feel a bit arrested in my development- having largely dropped ambitions career-wise and no private life ... I'm bored.

my ex-girlfriend says I need to take responsibility for my life... but I don't even know what that means.
I'm guessing, it is pursueing goals and making long term plans... I just don't have any goals...

Now, my father is a rash, in tolerant person who can't really empathize, never copuld, but is quick to judge, and his partner is a weirdly naive, esoteric woman. They don't work as 'older people' to talk this through with me.
My mother died when I was a kid.

soo... anyone older or, better: wiser than me, can you help me with some guidance? how did you find out what your purpose was? has anyone of you overcome harsh disillusionment with his career-choice at a similar age, where most start to see the first fruits of their labours. How do you know if you would want a family? I just never particularly liked mine, having been the only Aspie around, so I just never cared for the concept....now I'm feeling, I might be missing out on the thing that gives most people purpose in times in which 'work' is frustrating, eventually making them stick through the setbacks, maybe finally achieving something exactly because of having had something other than their work to take priority...
how does one overcome this boredom and chooses a way to live?

I have never learned to live much further than day to day. I'm not rich or accomplished, but once I decided not to agonize over what I "should" do I became a lot happier. It's my life and it's only wasted if I don't appreciate being here.

Forget about other people.. what drives you?

In my mind, if you're generating an income for yourself, and are not dependent on others, then you're okay.

I believe, by studying--and by being around other people--that you will find out what you really want to do. And it just might be something that doesn't generate income--if that's the case, you better keep your day job while pursuing your interests outside the job.

I envy German transportation: the UBahn and SBahn especially!

I'd say that "taking responsibility for your life" is not looking around for reasons you fail (or you think you fail) or complaining and seeking excuses. Heard from an ex-girlfriend, she probably means the complaining part. Should not miss her. My husband puts up with my complaining for the last 10 years, this is love.
I'd say you're a bit bored with your job. Entry jobs do not demand a lot of skill, but you get there over time. Beginner PhD students just pipette and listen to the older colleagues, and sometimes they b***h about how they are mostly doing manual labor. But give or take two years, first they start to understand what they're doing - and get properly scared with the task, then they come into their own and actually utilize the skills that they got, never knowing, in the first years of their job.
If everything else is okay with your job, I'd put up with the boredom and focus on the life outside work. Boring or underwhelming is not the worst thing that could happen in a job, believe me!! ! While conducting a hobby on the side could eventually lead to a good job change, or at least a relief in boredom.
Anyway to care about your boring job, the best way is to go and own it. I don't have a better word for it, but putting a flower/a photo on the desktop, your own tea mug, seeking the satisfaction when the duties are done, even a bit (gasp...) socializing - things that work for you, and make you believe this is your kingdom, and yours alone. Animals pee on their teritory, we have more sophisticated ways.
When you do that, you get ready to be good in that job and seek a challenge to go further.
It's all climbing and seeking. You have seen the thing you thought you wanted to do, and eventually decided you don't want it. It's totally ok. Adults give us a lot of propaganda crap about jobs, ideas of what is ambitious or whatnot, and we really need to figure it out on our own.

The 'responsibility' thing I deserved, as our relationship broke apart when I left the country and tried to aim higher, career-wise, only to realize that I actually didn't want that. Sobered up about what the best possible outcome for my career could have been, I returned to my home country to do stuff I could have done all along.

Yet, I don't consider myself too much of a failure, career-wise...it's just...I had higher ambitions, and now I've settled into a day-to-day job situation. Just....nothing special... I do feel like I'm wasting my (aspie-)potential...but I can care for myself, on my own schedule and with as little human contact as I want to deal with- and I managed to save quite some cash over the past few years, so I don't have to feel anxious about having no work for a while (I work freelance, so having no comissions for a while is a situation I know well and a factor that stressed me out a lot. But now less so, as I feel financially stable, in the short-term)
I just don't know what to do now, that I don't have to worry about money everyday.

And since I've sobered up bout my career-ambitions, I'm turning to look at my private life, realizing I never had any plans for it... and I wonder how people make those. I know, for some, particularly NTs, I guess, children can just happen, accidentally. families, semi-detached houses with gardens in suburbia. Nothing I used to care for,- now I'm wondering, if I should have.... and how to know that? How did you know what you wanted in life, what you would want to ... fight for.
so... yeah, I lost whatever used to drive me, and I'm trying to sttle into a less ambitious life... for which I have no blue-prints.


@kraftiekortie: you should see the newest regional-trains they have! windows from floor to ceiling and inside, you can barely hear a thing, they're so soundproof. I was actually impressed, and I'm not one to be particularly attentive to trains. well, the British ones I took last year had soggy carpet-flooring from the 80ies in them, I noticed that...
But yes, German public transport is remarkable, and a convenient way for me to save money by not having to own a car, even in a smaller city.

I'm in the same boat and that's why I'm having my midlife crisis. I had graduated and started my career at the age you are now and in the beginning my job was great because it's very challenging. However, it's very hard on the body and I didn't plan for that part which is what I'm thinking about now and going back to school - again. All this school stuff has gotten in the way of my personal life, though. Working every weekend, I was unable to find dates because most people work during the week. Now at my age, the kid thing is out and I would love to just be married to a Hunny with the same interests and who has some goals, but they have to not want kids - and most do. At least you don't have to fight the time problem for kids. And since my main goal was making as much money as possible, my job landed me working every weekend night and not in the units that I might have preferred to work that would have held my interest more. I'd love to use my critical thinking skills more instead of being in what I call "a blue collar job doing a lot of grunt work". So I've decided to focus on my career side and have pretty much figured out that the family thing probably won't work out. I really never wanted any kids anyway, but now that nature has made that decision for me, I'm kinda having a few regrets and wonder what a little "mini me" might have been like.

I don't know what your job is, but if you're in a place where you like what you're doing and make decent money then I'd focus on your private life at this point. Maybe you don't want to have kids and just want to be married and really haven't found the right person yet. Maybe spend some time traveling. If you haven't bought your first home, do that or make some improvements on the one you have. Try to increase the friends you have and work on your social life if that is important to you. Or maybe focus on your health and make exercise a priority. I figure if nothing is happening in the "Hunny dept", then use the time to focus on yourself - home, work, hobbies, friends, health.

And educating that cat. He looks like PhD material.

I am vehemently opposed to educating cats. No good can come of it. They already think they are smarter than us, let's not give them more reasons to think so.

We have to get those cats away from having to chase birds all the time!

And stop them from thinking about sex all the time.

A balanced, broad-based education fills the bill nicely.

At least you did not return from your trip with fully blossomed depression and panic attacks. That happens.
About that friends and family thing (true friendships are gold, and sometimes more lasting than any romantic interaction), it is not a thing that just happens. It's just some NTs make it look that way. You have to build that, too, brick by brick, and also, continually improve it. It does not exclude other ambitions.
I wish babies just happened, and for some couples they do, but it seems that will require as much work from me as anything else.
High ambitions have a high price, and over time you know if you are willing to pay it. Sometimes all those people in high up places are very accomplished and very unhappy. Perhaps you were meant to go down for a while and discover how to make a life and yourself a full person (just to clarify, you don't need a romantic relationship to be a full person. But friends are important. The kind of friends that do not go away if you succumb to depression for example).
I also find day-to-day work, not freelance work, to be very beneficial for Aspies (if the atmosphere does not go rotten, that is) It provides routine and some companionship.

Last edited by PlushDisaster on 03 Nov 2015, 2:45 am, edited 2 times in total.

That, for cats, is actually a quite simple operation

Yeah...I know....but despite the fact that it has to be done sometimes, it's quite traumatizing for the cat at that particular moment.

But you do, definitely, make a good point.

Oh no, that did happen. That and repeating acute idiopathic pancreatitis, which kept me in doctor's waiting rooms for over a year. I'm better now - but it was definitely a contributing factor, - coming home to where I have full health insurance.
The panic attacks, I figured out how to deal with... And the friends who stayed with me through depression are sparse, but there.
The friends who left me ... Well, one of them reckoned it would be best for everyone if he got a thing going with my ex girlfriend. Amd not tell, but invite me to stay with him. As I was about to accept his offer, he broke off all contact, and left me to figure out why on my own. It doesm't help that I've known him for 20 years. (And her for ten) But it's not the dog's fault that I misjudged his nature - I keep telling myself.

Anyway, I don't really consider all of this acute anymore. And I'd rather not start whining about it. Again.

But yeah, my social life has become a bit bleak, - but I think part of this result is due to me not having any .... Goals, or rather: structure in that departement. Or any other, really.

The suggestion of buying a house struck me as ... Well... I don't feel like I'm in a situation to buy a house. Financially... I guess I could start paying off a mortgage... That's just one of these big life decisions I don't really know how to make. I never saw myself owning a house - neither did I see myself not doing so.
My closest friend right now wants to buy a house soon, amd finally have his own workshop, as he likes working wirh wood.
It just feels alien to me, but I admire his ... Capability to articulate this goal, let alone begin to start worl towards it.

How do you know that cats think about sex all the time, Mr. K? (Boy, this thread is really getting off topic)

Oh dear. Then it looks like the place I was in several years ago. There's definitely a pattern.
After a year I thought I was better. Then, after another year, I realized I was then in a bad shape actually, and I'm better. Then, it took me two more years until the panic attacks completely subsided (I had worked on them - I have some knowledge about the behavioral sciences, unfortunately, mostly about mice), and I was ready for some challenge (or I though I was). It would probably go faster if I went to a therapy of sorts (I'm Eastern European, so it's "suck it up" in our culture; only lately going to a therapy stopped being a sign of weakness), or didn't have a bullying boss, so this is something to consider. Anyway taking up a daily job, even when it's messed up, was very important in recovery. I'd just stayed at my parents' home if not for that.
Life breaks apart, then you put pieces together and build your own, more consciously this time. Now it holds up pretty well.
(I don't know why buying a house just for the sake of buying a house. You can move out without buying anything and save the money. Once you decide that need a house, and can afford it, you buy it.)

Actually, investing money in property is not a bad idea in itself. Or at least taking care of money so you don't lose it. You don't know how fast a person can get into a relationship and start a family, and from then on, owning property is a huge thing.

What I'm saying is; your life is now calm. This may change. Being prepared is never bad.